Help, I think I’ve accidently mentally scarred DD for life

[ClingyGirl]

DD aged nearly 4, has a diagnosed developmental delay so is more like a just turned 3 year old.

Picked her up from contact with her dad last week with my mum (we car share so I drove to my house and she drove back to hers). Got to my house, park on the street outside the house, DDs door is roadside IYSWIM (literally no way I could of reversed in so she was pavement side), I unbuckled her carseat (she’s still in a group 1 with 5 point harness), and she starts climbing out. I noticed a car behind me waiting to drive further along the road, so instinctually closed DDs cardoor with her still in the car then moved to the back of the car to let the car pass. This felt safer to me than getting DD out and holding her at the back of the car.

When I opened the door again DD is still sat in her carseat crying and saying “mummy left me”. I of course pick her up, rub her back and tell it’s ok and I’d never leave her. I reminded her that Nanny (my mum) was in the car and she knew she was there and wouldn’t have left with her still there.

Since then she keeps randomly bursting into tears saying “mummy scared me” or “mummy left me”. She’s also getting difficult to leave at Nursery, grabbing my legs and shouting “don’t go mummy I’m scared”, she’s slightly better if her keyworker (who’s a lovely older lady with a grandchild the same age as DD) is at the door but just doesn’t want me to leave. Her keyworker says she’s fine after a couple of minutes, but it breaks my heart and at the end of the day she runs over and says “mummy I missed you, thought you weren’t coming” even though she knows I come after Kyle’s daddy but before Amy’s mummy. At the end of the day she won’t even go and get her coat or bag and has to be carried, which is unlike her as before she’d run to me say hello and then go and get her stuff while her keyworker did handover. She has also been following her keyworker round saying “don’t leave me Jane*”.

She is also a nightmare going to bed saying she’s scared and doesn’t want me to leave. I lie with her but she doesn’t actually go to sleep so I end up lying there all night with her. If I leave she screams and screams saying she’s scared. I also can’t go to the toilet on my own, if I shut the door she screams and screams saying “mummy’s gone”.

I know all this is not helped by Ex not being around much, he has her 1 night a week supposedly for 2 hours but often has to cut it down to 40 mins or completely due to work. Also every other weekend but she sleeps at her grandparents as he works then too. He never comes to her appointments or Nursery events or parents evenings.

When I ask what she’s scared of she says “mummy left me in the car” and “mummy wasn’t come back”.

So far we’ve had a lot of 1-1 time where I’ve reassured her. I explain that when I leave her at Nursery in the morning I always come back after tea to get her don’t I. She’s been given a special teddy bear of mine to “look after” while at Nursery who I’ve hugged to death so it smells of me, and that helps a bit but she’s just so clingy. She hasn’t been back to her dads yet but is due to stay there on Saturday so I’m worried how this could go. I’ve tried ignoring the screams but she just gets louder and louder and the neighbours complain she’s disturbing their children.

Help me, this is driving me mad. I love her to death, but I want to pee in peace. She starts school in September and until last week I thought despite the delay she’d be ok, but now I’m not so sure.

I'm really not sure why this particular incident caused such a reaction either.

Any tips to get her through this phase?

*Not real names

This was heartbreaking to read. The amateur psychologist in me thinks that she may have abandonment issues since her father isn’t seeing her anymore but then again I’m assuming he saw her a lot before.

My heart goes out to you, it’s really hard to find time for yourself with any child, nevermind one that is so clingy. I hope your Mum can support you more and that you have friends and family that can help but I guess the only thing to do is to keep being there for her until she is reassured that you will always be there.

I'm sure there will be better qualified people to advise you than me, but here goes. I've been in a similar position in that my dd went to her dads every other week since the court decided there was no reason he couldn't share her on a 50/50 basis. She was 18 months old. We both found it hard and one thing that helped her was spraying my perfume on her teddy, pillow, etc. It must be so hard being on your own with her as you never get 5 minutes peace and quiet.

Have you tried to reframe it for her?

Talk about how mummy kept her safe when that car was nearby?

*Have you tried to reframe it for her?

Talk about how mummy kept her safe when that car was nearby?*

She has no concept of safety, when I tell her I left her in the car to keep her safe so she didn't get hurt by the other car she just says "but mummy you left me" she doesn't understand that it was for safety.

I don't wear perfume that's why she had the teddy I hugged, she said it smelt of mummy and was happy with it.

Ex and I have been separated nearly 18 months now and contact is court ordered, but she must find it so confusing, wondering where Daddy goes when she doesn't see him.

but then again I’m assuming he saw her a lot before.

He didn't do much actual care when we were together but did see her every day. He also had 6 months last year where he didn't see her due to his behaviour so that's probably adding to her confusion and worry that he'll disappear again.

I would’ve made the other car wait while I got her out but that doesn’t help much now I know. Just have to keep reassuring her and telling her it’s ok and you’re never going to leave her. Tell her father too so he knows to be there for her.

Oh God bless her .

I was very similar at her age - and for a long time after - after my parents divorced in a horrible way . My dad told me he didn’t love my mummy and he was going , shot off there and then in the car - saw him three times in the next twenty two years . This was after I had spent a week in foster care and then my grandma’s , with my mum in hospital and my dad god knows where . I was your daughter’s age at the time .

I remember having this horrible panic at school, dance lessons , rainbows, church etc if my mum moved away - I was always petrified that she wasn’t coming back too and used to end up sobbing until my mum came back . It wasn’t such a problem at school but everything else was a nightmare - even stuff like softplay was out of the question. Spent every night trying to get into her bed too ... drove my mum mad which didn’t help how I felt one bit . I’m on the autistic spectrum too which made it a lot harder .

I would keep up with the reassurance (I didn’t always get that - I’m now a very anxious adult) and giving her lots of love as you are , sticking to a routine and positive reinforcement - and fingers crossed she will settle again soon . Wondering a bit if there’s resocurces online eg social story or kids books or Peppa Pig episode or something ... Bound to be something on parents separating at the minimum .

Other thing I wonder about - if Granny could take her out for a morning or something ? Time away from you spent doing nice things, even if she cries a bit Granny would carry on with the morning out - take her to eg an animal sanctuary or something she’d really enjoy ? Sort of like reinforcing the fact that she can leave you for short periods and be OK .

You did absolutely the right thing. Ive done the same as you before. But I told mine what I was doing before I shut the door. Your options were to do what you did or to make the car wait while you get her out. Now you kniw how sensitive she is, you can decide to make cars wait next time.

I got some help from my local Children's Centre (I know loads have been shut down now) when DS was 3 nearly 4. He wouldn't let go to the loo or have a shower without crying at the door. Do you have health visitor you can approach? What worked for DS was a weekly planner that you stick pictures on to say what is happening each day, who is picking up from nursery and pictures to indicate what time, i. e. you could draw a picture of Kyle and his daddy & Amy & mummy and stick you a dd in between.

Thanks everyone I'll try a social story, and make sure next time I tell me DD what I'm doing.

Make a game on f it, get her to shut the door in the house, then a big thing about mum has not gone,. Mum came back.

Can you counter every "but mummy you left me" with but I came back/but I always come back?

To reassure you my NT 4.5 yo was like a broken record when I (stupidly) let her stroke a kitten and it scratched her. She would not stop going on about it for weeks and weeks - how mummy let her get hurt; how it was mummy's fault. She is quite rigid in her thinking (no official SEN or anything) but it did eventually go away. I actually found that school was, after a tough first 3-4 months, actually really helpful for helping her gain a little flexibility . So perhaps don't despair.

She also remembered the time I nipped her skin with the buckle of her bike helmet when about 2.5 for at least a year and would recoil every time I came near her with it

Owl Babies is a really nice story that might present it to her in a slightly different way too.

Don't blame yourself, it sounds like if it wasn't for the car incident she would have grabbed hold of something else as a focus for her anxiety, and it doesn't sound like that anxiety is your fault.