Have NC because I am identifiable.
I suffer from cancer and I am now having an utter meltdown of fear. I am castigating myself, and telling myself I can not cope with my kids on my own anymore. Ex is being an aggressive lying twat who in the last two months alone has lied three times about not being have to have the kids on his days at late notice because he's had to "work"....actually I know he was at football or rugby matches or at the pub. I am doing everything on my own, I have no family help and only a few friends where I live . The cancer is stage four but stable but will ultimately kill me. Cancer surgery has disabled me and i am in pain a lot and don't sleep well.
I have ten year old twin boys in year five and live in a small town on the edge of a National Park. Used to live in London. Moved because I couldn't cope with the noise and stress of London anymore but now I really really miss my friends and the huge support network I had there.
I'm now just feeling so alone. I have made friends here but it is slow going. I hate feeling like a burden to people.
Now I've just watched the Netflix Madeleine McCann documentary and it has now scared me something silly because the last episode in particular is all about how there are paedophile rings in every country that kidnap children to order and do hideous things to them and never let them go. I have been reminded by it that the Soham girls were ten years old and lived in a village and were killed by the school caretaker while they were out on their own, and the documentary mentioned several children of age nine and older who were kidnapped off the streets and never seen again.
I let my kids out for up to an hour on their own round here. For the first few times it was to the local shop and straight back, ie five mins walk. They've been to the post box and back. A few weeks ago I started to let them out to explore the local roads. This is all within quarter of a mile of the house. We discuss before they go where they will go and the route they will take, and they are given boundaries beyond which they're not allowed to go. Recently I let them go to the local playground. They have a mobile phone with them when they go.
I have been doing this as they enjoy it and it gives me a break, but now I've just watched the documentary I realise that it is a risk and I'm now really anxious and think I can't do it anymore due to the risk.
And then that realisation has tipped me over the edge, I just cannot cope anymore, I cannot take any more stress. I am so lonely. I am scared. I am likely going to die in the next two years and leave my kids with my emotional fuckwit of an ex who will teach them how to be aggressive arses like him who blame everyone else for their own mistakes and who never ever apologise.
I am broken. I don't think I am a good parent due to my circumstances and don't know what to do anymore.
I asked social services for some respite care before (one of my kids is autistic and can be hard work). They took eight months as the social worker kept going off sick, she didn't make any notes on the system after her assessment of us a family ....and they then closed the case after saying the only thing I qualified for was someone to come and help signpost where I could get any help. But I already investigated all those avenues and they all came up with nothing. I asked the local children's sure start type centres for a buddy system to take my disabled child out, I asked three times and they said each time they've asked but there is nobody available to help.
I just don't know what else to do but know it can't go on like this.