School meeting regarding DC behaviour

[Adviceonwhattodo]

Since leaving ex a year ago - dv related - my dc's behaviour has been up and down both at school and home. Recently - in the last two months - it has drastically improved most likely due to them having no contact with their father for over a month - which is not related to the dv.

I have been asked to come into school to discuss the dc, and for ex to be involved too, although the school say I don't have to have him present and they can arrange to see him separately. Their behaviour has not escalated at home, if anything they have been well behaved and generally getting along with one another, although eldest is still upset over ex not living with us anymore/seeing him less. I haven't had any recent reports from school re behaviour either.

Prior to this they suggested the support of a family worker. As ex has never really taken an active role in parenting and is not about to change, and as they reassured me that my parenting capability is not in question, I declined the offer after much umming and arring and not being fully satisfied with their assessment. Weeks prior to this "offer" I had asked the school for referral to counselling for concerns I had around their behaviour and emotions re ex. I've still to hear whether the referral has been successful.

I'm not sure what to expect? How should I best approach this? My main concern is they have been fine and now ex is back in contact, there seems to be an issue at school. This makes me concerned as to what goes on when they are with ex? Nothing at home has been an issue, except for screen time and eg. Eldest being upset when ex is no longer present at family get togethers (this weekend) and having to explain to dc that their dad works unusual hours.

At a bit of a loss, really. Anyone with any insight on this, please?

Anyone?

I think if they're suggesting a family support worker they have concerns about your child. Who is the counselling referral for?

I think you need to go and listen

You are focused on the DC and their behaviour at home, how are they behaving at school? Low level distraction? Being mean? Not completing work? Refusing to do as asked?

Listen and don’t make excuses, ask what they intend to do and what you can do to help.

Thank you RedHats the counselling referral is for the dc.

The concerns were around the impact of dv on the dc's emotional well-being, also ex's continued lack of role modelling to the dc positive adult relationships (being disrespectful and unamicable towards me in front of dc). The school don't seem to understand that ex will never change.

He keeps threatening to move away (maybe it would be best if he did) and is also continuing to try to control me through cm, while also blaming me for the break up. The school are not aware of the latter two.

I'm not sure how a family support worker can help with this? As I have said, everything has been fine at home. They haven't said what/where specifically a family support worker can/will help.

Yes I agree, don't get too caught up in the home situation. Children frequently have very differently at home and school. Its perhaps more usual to rebel at home and be compliant at school but it can absolutely happen the other way around.

Your DC have had a lot to deal with and they need love and support, but to live happy lives and to progress they also need an education and to learn appropriate ways to handle whatever feelings they have (and they probably don't even know what feelings they have).

Listen to the teachers, it doesn't negate their difficult experiences at home at all.

Its hard, for different reasons I've had lots of these meetings. One of my DCs has SEN and I want to defend him because I feel so sorry for the challenges he has to face. But this won't do him any favours. He needs support and understanding in managing his behaviour but for his future, he does need to learn to manage it.

Green I intend to go in and listen, and work with them on it. I have always been open with them and have tried to stay on the page. I have some general concerns about the school too, but it seems I have no voice in that regard.

DC are both achieving academically, dc1 is upper ability. Attendance is good, too. They are always clean, well clothed and fed. I am loving and caring, read to them, talk with them, do things with them. Maybe I don't do enough.

I'm a bit flummoxed why they think they can get through to ex on anything.

FWIW my DC flips between being problematic at school and good at home and vice versa. He cannot hold it together in both places at the same time. I guess because if he's managing at school, its hard work for him and so he releases his feelings at home. If he's being challenging at school, he tends to be calmer and want hugs and reassurance at home.

I hope it goes well.

Thank you paddling DC have been very cuddly lately, and yes you're probably right, they're letting out their emotions at school more. Probably because they don't have me their as their safe haven.

Why does this have to be/feel so complicated?!

Have me as their safe haven there (at school).

Behaviour and emotions in children are so complicated and it's hard not to feel judged. But really you said it yourself, you're a loving, caring mother and your children are not neglected so let that element go to the way side and focus on behaviour and their self esteem. Self esteem and behaviour go hand in hand and if there's been uncertainty at home it's very likely they confidence and security have taken a bashing.

I do feel judged. I'm feeling sleepless just thinking about what might be revealed to me about their behaviour at school. I'll be mortified it's what Green mentioned upthread.

There sense of security and confidence has most certainly taken a bashing. Dc1 said that they feel different to the all other children at school because their fathers live with them. I've tried to explain/reassure that families come in many different forms.

Also, screen time is a bit of an issue. I worry if this is having a significant affect on behaviour. Think I need to sort that ASAP.

Sorry for typos. I'm tired and should really try to get to sleep. Thank you once again.

Perhaps it will be useful for the school to meet and talk to your ex, has he had much contact with the school before? I don't know whether it would be best for you to meet the school together or apart. I can see how it would be good for you both to hear the same information and for the school to see your interactions but if relations are very strained between you this might get in the way of hearing what they are trying to say.. I'm guessing a family support worker is being suggested because the school have concerns about your DC, perhaps they would work with your ex as well? (If he would engage)

Bless you, you sound so tired. Yes screen time can a biggie, it can lead to heightened feelings in some children. Try and replace it with doing stuff together that they'd like to do so they don't notice it so much, (a bit hard for you as I imagine you are also in need of space and down time but it will be worth it in the long run).

Sorry not saying you don't do things with them now, but I've found that reducing screen time (for another DC) is much easier if you keep them busy. If they've become dependent on it they've got to relearn how to fill their time and rediscover other interests...this is all subconscious and its still bloody hard!

I know a family support worker who is amazing, an absolute rock for the families she works with and her role enables her to refer children on to various other services including counselling. I wouldn't dismiss the idea of working with a FSW without giving it a try.