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Original poster

Can’t face everything falling apart

49 replies

FrothAndBubble · 18/03/2019 21:36

How do I face everything falling apart? I’m not strong enough to be strong for the children if it’s over. They love their Dad especially the youngest. We have a new home and have just moved to a new area (a year ago) but I feel the rug has just been pulled from under me.

DH took up a hobby and has been out 2-3 times a week straight from work, not getting back until after we are all asleep plus the hobby takes up a chunk of Saturdays too. It’s good that he enjoys it and I’m genuinely pleased he’s found a hobby he enjoys. I have at times resented the amount of time away from me and the kids and if I’m honest that I have to now do his share of the jobs on those days. He’s also started running 2-3 times a week before work too so it’s gone from being at home for some of the time in the morning before to leaving before we are even up. The combination of the early morning running and the evening/Saturday hobby at once have felt pretty life changing as it feels like we hardly see him. He’s out doing his thing and having fun whilst I race about, hanging out washing and sorting out the kids bickering, loading and unloading the dishwasher, tidying up etc.

Now he has said we have no common ground anymore and he is much more fun when he’s not with me. His friends don’t understand why he stays when he tells them what it’s like. He then listed all the things he enjoys that I don’t to prove his point and told me it’s over.

He’s not come back after work today and when our middle child text to ask if he was back for tea he told her no as he was going for drinks and dinner with a friend. I’ve pulled on all my willpower and resolve not to text or call him today and I will have to find more reserves for when he gets home as what I want to do is have a hug and ask to make up. If I ask for that and he refuses I’ll be in bits so I’m trying to make myself strong enough not to ask.

OP posts:

stanski · 21/03/2019 02:29

Oh OP :( you need to be strong. This is not your fault

Original poster

FrothAndBubble · 21/03/2019 02:35

Pack up his things? We’ve been married 20 years it’s all “ours” apart from clothes and toothbrushes!

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 02:37

That's exactly what I mean, 'his' stuff. Clothese, filthy cheating pants, and toothbrush

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Families

Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 02:37

Would he leave if you asked him to?

Original poster

FrothAndBubble · 21/03/2019 02:47

No Ella. I don’t think so. We couldn’t afford to pay for him to stay elsewhere. We’d have to sell the family home and start again in two tiny places.

OP posts:

Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 02:53

Well five years on and I'm still living in a small home after leaving the five-bed family house. Four of us (including my fiance now) in a rented two-bed still! I have the kids exactly 50:50 as that is how courts ruled. Hopefully upgrading to a three-bed soon...

But I'm loved and respected now so the rest is not important 😊

PerspicaciaTick · 21/03/2019 03:03

He has arranged his life to exclude you and to avoid sharing anything with you - and then blames you for not being involved in his life. Nasty, manipulative excuse for a man.

RuggyPeg · 21/03/2019 03:05

Op, you're going to HAVE to gather every ounce of your strength and tackle this in a totally different way. Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance - it will destroy what shreds are left of your self-esteem. You've GOT to get tough. Park your emotions and go completely cold. Get all your financial affairs in order asap, see a solicitor, fling him out and tell him to fuck off. This is NOT your fault. If he wasn't happy in the marriage, he could have tried to salvage it and if it was beyond hope, been as decent as possible in ending it. It's been entirely his choice to check out of the relationship, let you shoulder all the domestic work and go off to fuck someone else. He's pond scum I'm afraid and unutterably unworthy of your love.

Crabbyandproudofit · 21/03/2019 03:20

It's not your fault. He has chosen to be a nasty, lazy, selfish prick. Of course there is someone else, because he wouldn't be talking about leaving if he didn't have another place to go.

He hasn't been contributing to family life or your happiness for some time. Get legal advice and don't be in a rush to sell your home. He is trying to make you feel responsible and put you down because that absolves him of guilt and makes him feel big. I repeat he is a nasty, lazy, selfish prick. Eventually you will feel better without him.

Try to stay calm for your DC. Don't badmouth their father but don't take the blame for the split either, he's the one who wants out. If he comes crawling back (he may not be so attractive to the OW when he's lazing around her house, not helping with chores, and responsible for his children half the time) stay strong. The example you want to show your DC is a calm, confident woman who knows she is worthy of respect. Fake it until you feel it and things will get better, as you deserve.

Meretricious · 21/03/2019 03:48

Let him go. He’ll probably find it’s not so rosy elsewhere. And also he’ll have to step up and look after the kids at the weekend etc. But start using your support network. Also....you go out and do stuff.

jellycatspyjamas · 21/03/2019 06:49

I’m so sorry, I really hate being right with this type of thing - I can hear how devastated you are. Twenty years is a very long time, I’ve beeb married for 25 and can’t think where I’d begin to disentangle our lives if I needed to so I can really understand you feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t have any advice, you’ll get lots of help along the way here and elsewhere but I wanted you to know how sorry I am about his betrayal.

cptartapp · 21/03/2019 07:08

Well he's shot himself in the foot somewhat. Let's see how he manages all his hobbies and a new relationship and job with sole care of 3 DC half the week.

grannieanne · 21/03/2019 07:26

Gather your support network around you, open up your own bank account pronto if you don't have one and arrange for your salary/cb/etc to go into it. Make a claim for Tax Credits/ UC un your name as you have now separated. The other woman (hobby) will start to drain your financial reserves as well as emotional. Get tough and smart quick.

He sounds utterly devoid of any feelings other than what serves him so be prepared to fight for yours and your kid's futures. Pack up all his shit into binbags and sling it on the drive/garage/pavement.

Don't knee jerk to sell up or divorce, just protect yourself financially for the time being. Join Wikivorce, it will save you thousands and the support is invaluable.
Hug your babies and tell them it will be ok.
I have the 10yr old Tshirt, Decree Absolute, self respect and my peace of mind x

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 21/03/2019 07:29

This is a shitty situation OP, but it is NOT of your doing. It's him. He's an arsehole.

You need to get your paperwork together and get legal advice ASAP. Do not do the pick me dance, he's clearly made his decision. As hard as it is, this is how things are going to be. Once the sadness subsides there will be anger, please try not to badmouth this absolute arsehole to his children as this could backfire. Keep information factual (in an age appropriate way if necessary).

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP

Luella29 · 21/03/2019 07:32

Wow, what an arse.

Keep posting OP. One day you will look back on this and realise how lucky you are to be rid of the manchild.

I know it's hard but you need to toughen up. No more begging and pleading. Pull yourself together at least in front of him, put your business head on and get sorted. This is not a marriage you want to be in long term and life will get better.

EngagedAgain · 21/03/2019 07:50

I wouldn't waste a moment more of your energy on him. I know it's easily said, but he has/is treating you appallingly. Cut your losses, and pull the rug out from underneath HIM. Get the best financial settlement you can. Preferably stay where you are if you are happy in your home.

MrsMozartMkII · 21/03/2019 08:02

He's a shit lass.

As others have said, he could've worked on his relationship with you. He could've been there dealing with his share of the responsibilities. Instead he's been a spoilt brat who's just gone out to play and left all the grown up stuff to you to deal with.

FrozenMargarita17 · 21/03/2019 08:06

Well he's a nasty little Fucker isn't he.

Op, find your anger, it will help you immensely. Let me guess 'treating him like shit' included not being available for his every want (because: housework and child rearing that he does not do), not being interested in sex anymore (because: tired from housework and child rearing that he does not do) and not listening to him (because: housework and child rearing which he does not do means you don't have time to fawn over him too).

whenthewhistleblows · 21/03/2019 08:11

I know it’s the worst time for you to be able to do so, but you need to think with your head right now.

Make copies of any/all payslips, bank account statements and any other documentation relating to assets you can find. It is good that he is out of the house so that you can do this. Keep him out for as long as possible.

AlunWynsKnee · 21/03/2019 16:17

He is still being a cliche. He's reframing everything so he can justify his behaviour to himself. He knows what he is doing is awful but by making you the awful wife he feels less guilty.
You could have been perfect but he'd have found some peg to hang his guilt on. Don't accept that. It's all his to own.
Where is he staying now?
You need to be cross and get legal advice.

MissMogwai · 22/03/2019 07:22

I'm really sorry OP.

As others have said gather whatever documents, financials, whatever. If you don't have your own bank account, open one today and move your own income in to it ASAP.

It's absolutely awful and believe me I know it hurts. But you have to protect yourself and prepare for him to be even more nasty. He's turning it on you so he can justify his shit behaviour.

I was in your shoes about 13 years ago and it was devastating. However I did get through it and you will too.

Nnnnnineteen · 22/03/2019 08:26

Oh op, I do feel for you. My situation was v similar. He blamed it all on me and I did not see any of it coming.
Don't beg for him. Look after yourself and the kids. It's so, so awful, but you will be ok.

user1493423934 · 22/03/2019 09:50

I am told It’s all my fault. I treated him like shit for years and drove him to it.

Oh god that's exactly what I got told by my now-ex. I spent a lot of time blaming myself, and the circumstances were almost identical (not hobby but new friends that started taking up all his time and i was being 'unreasonable' in expecting him to put myself and the kids first).
All i can say is get a good lawyer and surround yourself with good friends - please PM me if you need to! Good luck

nicenewdusters · 22/03/2019 10:35

God I'm sorry OP, just knew I'd come back to this thread and see he'd met someone else. They're like a stick of rock aren't they? Cut them in half and it says cliched fucker all the way through.

Go "grey rock". Do not enter into any discussions with him. The only thing you need to talk about is his access to the children. If he starts trying to tell you how it's all your fault etc just walk away/hang up, whatever it takes.

When you start feeling weak just think of a time recently when you were rushed off your feet, struggling to fit everything in, and wishing he was around more to do his share. Now remember at that time he was probably sleeping with her, telling her how awful you are and how he can't wait for them to be together. Get angry and organised. He might think he's got one over on you, you can and should make his life a bloody nightmare.

Also tell your friends and family what he's done. Don't need to elaborate, just say he's been having an affair and that you're done with him. His little secret might not seem so exciting when it's out in the open.

Thank god you know what a weasel he is now and not another 10 years in.

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