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Original poster

Which school year is worse for bullying/queen bee treatment (girls)?

41 replies

WillDeleteThisLater · 17/03/2019 22:13

Which year at school is worse for bullying and/or general meanness activity among pre-teen and teen girls?

Teachers at our school say years 8 & 9 but I'd love to hear other opinions from mums with older kids and teachers.

Also are all schools as bad as each other in this regard? If not, what is it that your school does to stop such awful behavior?

For full disclosure, I have a struggling kid.. I am wondering what is normal and how far we let it go before taking drastic action like moving.

OP posts:

Backtosigninoptions · 18/03/2019 08:35

Hi OP, I think it does vary so much, and I am not sure I would say yr 11 is necessarily an improvement for all the dc - stress over GCSEs, choosing options, generally growing up and so on may also tip into friendships. And then with 6th form a different set of problems as people seek to realign socially if they've stayed on!

I think the decision to move school or not is a very difficult one - things may be as bad or even worse at a new school, but on the other hand 5/7 yrs is a long time to be somewhere that things aren't working. No easy answers, so lots of sympathy here.

As for what causes it - I do wonder whether things have got harder (suspect yes because of social media, and more pressure on dteens generally, though that may be rose-tinted looking at the past!) - and if so what can be done about it?

Backtosigninoptions · 18/03/2019 08:48

In the short term I'd second the suggestions of some outside clubs with non-school people (sport? drama group? music group?). And if you have nice extended family, and friends with reasonably close in age dc, try to have some activities with them (though not always that easy by this age - those dc by contrast may be off having a whale of a social life!) .

If there aren't many activities at school could your dd take refuge in library at break and lunch times or is that regarded as 'Losers Gather Here'' territory?

I think for a reasonable number of dteens school is not that great a social environment these days (as for whether it's changed see above!) - it's perhaps more important these days for dparents to play a role in ensuring that it isn't the only thing the dteens have in their lives!

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 18/03/2019 08:50

OP - DD is only year 4 so can't really comment but in answer to your question 'why is no-one the parent of that child', there is a girl in DD's class who has been a Queen Bee in the making since about year 1, it's been very clear to a number of us, and now she's year 4 it's really obvious, and I dread to think what she'll be like at secondary (DD will hopefully not be going to the same school as her). And yet her mum is lovely - nice, kind, polite, gentle, considerate. Dad seems OK too.

A lot of it seems to be about her being the most fashionable and taking swipes at those who couldn't care less about clothes and hair and Taylor Swift. Luckily DD and her pals find this girl's endless desire to be a teenager rather laughable, if annoying and distracting in class. But she has her little acolytes and it's a shame those girls' parents aren't stepping in to step their DDs fawning all over this girl.

So I can completely see this girl being the cause of endless grief come secondary. But I think her parents will remain oblivious.

BitchQueen90 · 18/03/2019 08:57

Gosh, reading this is awful. I'm 28 and never experienced any of this at school. I had a lovely solid friendship group right the way through and we never fell out.

Mind you, we had no social media then which I think has a lot to answer for.

Slazengerbag · 18/03/2019 09:02

Op I don’t think anyone notices that it’s their child doing it because it’s not obvious. I have found the queen bee is usually sporty, popular, academically good and is liked by staff. If you were getting good feedback from the school about your child you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong.

I don’t think social media helps. When I was at school in the 90s, you had an argument with someone on a Friday and it was forgotten by a Monday. Now with instagram, snapchat, etc it’s not given a chance to die down. They are at a very impulsive age and send a snapchat about how they feel which everyone seems and it just adds to the drama.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 18/03/2019 09:11

so if we all know social media is a problem, why do so many parents have it for their DC? Why is this issue one that so many parents find it so hard to pout their foot down about? Is it because they've spent their child's formative years 'gentle' or 'attachment' parenting or whatever, and so when faced with something that actually can be a really massive problem for their DC, they're incapable of saying 'no'.

Backtosigninoptions · 18/03/2019 09:13

Yes Slazenger, and add in the fact that social media does give rise to new types of exclusion (not included in the groupchat, or new groupchats being set up without all the existing dteens in the previous one , and so on). I don't think it's all negative, but along with the good aspects there is scope for additional awfulness! Not just in the dteen world, but perhaps harder to cope with as a dteen.

Backtosigninoptions · 18/03/2019 09:17

Weepingwillow I think it may be partly because the dc would be at risk of being left out of groups of friends if they couldn't be part of the social media chat /photo exchange etc - so that could be an equally significant problem for them.

And possibly partly because dparents don't realise the problems with it, though awareness is growing to some extent. But when it's going well, it's all quite fun so there doesn't seem any reason not to allow it!

skippy67 · 18/03/2019 09:34

Year 8. Dd had a what she thought was a great group of friends. Until they decided to turn on her for daring to occasionally sit with another group at lunch. First group then turned on her, orchestrated by the self elected queen bee. It could've been awful, but after a particular incident which led to dd crying in the toilets one day, she rounded them up, told them they were irrelevant and to fuck off and leave her alone. She's year 12 now, and is on speaking terms with most of them. Except the queen bee, who interestingly, doesn't have any close friendships.

Original poster

WillDeleteThisLater · 18/03/2019 10:45

It's like a tsunami of sadness. Is it any surprise that teenage mental health has never been so precarious, nor problems starting so early?
I also agree social media doesn't help, but equally the misery and drama fest that is teenage dramas and films don't help. When we were teens, EastEnders was about the height of it and teen dramas didn't really feature. Now they can watch endless "mean girl" stuff on demand.

OP posts:

goldengummybear · 18/03/2019 11:38

Year 1 for my dd.

LeoTimmyandVi · 18/03/2019 11:47

Still in the thick of it in Year 9 here. Just when I think it has settled it revs up again! Please let Yr 10 and the start of GCSE’s proper be the end of it!

Joanofbark · 18/03/2019 12:29

OP, regarding the “no one is ever a parent to one of these girls”, a close friend of mine is but can’t see it at all.

When we first met and our other dc were in the same class she occasionally mentioned how her elder daughter was having issues with x or y and how they were bullying her...looking back and knowing more about how her elder daughter manipulates both her mum and her sister, I doubt very much the big sis was the bullied party!!

But she’s very much the golden child in the family and nothing she ever does is questioned, even to her siblings...

Rather uncomfortably I don’t like to spend any time in her company as she is so massively false and flattering but there is something about the way her face moves that just makes me think she really can’t stand other girls/women - everything she talks about is a competition, beating people in exams, in hockey, in netball. She has a tight gang of sporty, clever girls that seem to battle one another for the “top” spot. Quite unnerving.

Her mum is lovely but was badly bullied at prep school. Dad is very competitive. Little sis is definitely not a bullying type and is a dear friend of my daughter - thankfully their year seems to have more co-operative relationships rather than combative ones!

troppibambini · 18/03/2019 12:39

For us year 8. She's now in year 9 and settled and loving life!
Unfortunately they are all about to be mixed up for the start of year 10 so I'm hoping things will be ok
But I'm dreading it.

Theworldisfullofgs · 18/03/2019 12:46

Year 8.

Not preoccupied with the settling in thing but not otherwise occupied with getting into good sets for GCSE or knocking down. Too much time on their hands...

dancemom · 18/03/2019 12:46

Im in Scotland so S2 here which I think is Year 8?

Total mean girls, really controlling, I feel the school leave them unsupervised too often which gives then the freedom to gang up and egg each other on.

Praying things improve in year 9!

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