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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

25 replies

Hel82 · 17/03/2019 13:45

DH and I disagree on who is being unreasonable here and I'd be interested in views.

One of us (person 1) has just invited a colleague over for the afternoon/evening without checking with the other (person 2) first. Person 1 and the colleague have to plan a presentation for tomorrow and it has just become a much bigger job than they thought so they really need to do it today. The colleague and his wife have a young baby so person 1 also invited them round too. Person 1 feels that this is their home and there is no reason why they should check with other person first before inviting people over.

Person 2 thinks that it's not reasonable to invite people over without checking it fits with the plans for the rest of the family, especially as it would seem really rude if person 2 ignored the wife whilst the presentation was being done. Person 2 has never met the wife and has met the colleague once of twice over the last 10 years. The only suitable room in the house to have them over would be the kitchen/family room so the rest of the family would either be excluded and all the practical stuff that needs to be done for tomorrow like sorting washing etc would be awkward.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HarrySnotter · 17/03/2019 13:49

Well I suppose I would like to know about it prior to them coming to the house, but if it's a one off, I'd like to think I would support DH in his work if this is an important presentation. It's only one afternoon.

HarrySnotter · 17/03/2019 13:50

I should mention that he would do the same for me if needed.

Original poster

Hel82 · 17/03/2019 13:57

Thanks Harry. The point of disagreement is whether we should check with each other first rather than a colleague coming over. Person 1 thinks they should be able to invite people over whenever. Person 2 thinks we should run it past each other first if it's when the rest of the family are around Person 2 wouldn't have a problem with it today but would probably have said something about best times/location/whether to invite whole family.

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/03/2019 14:00

I think it's fine to invite people over without checking IF (big if) the other person doesn't have to be involved in hosting. In this case, fine for two work colleagues to do their presentation but not fine if wife and baby are left with unconsenting spouse to host.

HarrySnotter · 17/03/2019 14:00

Well, I think it's just manners to check with the other person who lives there if it's going to be a pain for them, isn't it. There will be people who say that you 'should' be able to do whatever you like in your own home and invite who you like etc., but I do think it's just courtesy to discuss first.

onlyk · 17/03/2019 14:00

If you need to work late on something normally you’d do it at your workplace. However inviting someone over to work on a presentation that needs to be done I wouldn’t have an issue with and to be honest washing etc can wait for a day.

The bit I find odd is inviting the colleagues wife and young baby. Why? it makes no sense if you’re trying to crack on with a piece of work, they’re not going to help with the presentation if anything they’ll be a distraction, makes no sense.

FiveLittlePigs · 17/03/2019 14:00

You're person 2.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/03/2019 14:00

If you’re in a partnership then you discuss this stuff first.

It’s not a matter of ‘permission’ its a matter of respecting your partner and checking in.

Chamomileteaplease · 17/03/2019 14:02

Yes as a PP said, invite who you want but don't expect your other half to host the wife and baby without asking! Awful.

It's the kind of thing that could be lovely if you were up for it but bloody awful if you were busy or just didn't fancy it. Rude to assume.

SummersB · 17/03/2019 14:05

Why on earth would person 1 invite the wife and baby? This makes no sense to me at all, it seems absolutely bonkers.
If I was person 2 I wouldn’t mind a colleague being invited over to complete the work presentation, even without being asked/informed as it’s clearly a necessity (although out of courtesy I would always ask, and so would DH). But I would be pretty pissed off if I was suddenly expected to entertain a stranger and their baby for several hours without being asked to prior!

PuzzlingPuzzle · 17/03/2019 14:05

Colleague coming over to prep should be absolutely fine. It’s important, presumably a rare occurrence and shouldn’t effect you. The unreasonable bit, which is completely out of order in my opinion, is extending the invite to the wife and baby and expecting you to host them without asking. I’d be inclined to invent some prior plans and go out.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 17/03/2019 14:07

I would probably invite someone over without checking. And my husband wouldn't mind. And I'd have no problem with him inviting someone over either.

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2019 14:08

I think it's fine to invite colleague over. Inviting spouse and child makes it a social event and that was the point at which it should have been agreed

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2019 14:10

Person 1 can invite people over whenever. But then it's up to person one to entertain them all. If they want person 2 involved then it needs to be a joint decision.

Quartz2208 · 17/03/2019 14:13

Yes the colleague is fine bid presentation makes sense
The wife and baby needs checking as involves the other person hosting

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2019 14:14

And while I say it's fine for person one to invite colleague without checking it's courteous to check if possible. I'd expect it but I would expect DH to ask my permission as such.

cariadlet · 17/03/2019 14:15

Ok to invited colleague over to work together without consulting the other person although it's just common politeness to let them know and thoughtful to check that they're ok with it.

Very inconsiderate to invite the wife and baby and to expect the other person to host

thefirst48 · 17/03/2019 14:21

I think it's only fair to let the other person know before hand if guests are coming over. I'd be pissed off if my partner didn't inform me.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 17/03/2019 14:23

Inviting someone over should usually be absolutely fine to do without checking (with some usual caveats, is spouse ill/hungover/pregnant
/any reason why they would need to know) but I'd agree it's only an issue because they've invited extra ppl (in this case wife and child) who spouse has to entertain!
If it was just the colleague it'd probably be irrelevant because they'd crack on with their presentation and spouse's day would be normal.

I assume you're person 2 and didn't want to have to host a strange woman and her baby all day!

Original poster

Hel82 · 17/03/2019 14:29

Thanks! Yes I am person 2! Yes, exactly I don't want to be co-opted into hosting without being asked.

Also, we both work full time and have been busy all weekend so Sunday evening is usually when we sort out all the practicalities of making sure PE kit is sorted, getting kids school clothes sorted for week etc so the rest of the week runs smoothly. I just want to be able to crack on with that without making small talk about nursery places or having to do it in silence so as not to disturb talk about which bar chart to use. Quite happy for colleague to come over but would just appreciate a quick 'Colin and I are going to have to spend a couple of hours sorting this out, would it be a problem if he came over 4ish'

OP posts:

longtompot · 17/03/2019 14:39

I think it would be fine if my dh invited the partner of the person he was working with if I knew them. If I didn't, he would check with me first before saying they could come along.
I personally would stay in the kitchen/family room area and get on with the things that need doing. That way you don't feel you need to entertain the other person and you aren't trying to do everything after they have gone.
I wonder how they feel about spending time with someone they don't know?

You never know, it might be the start of a fabulous friendship :)

pusspuss9 · 17/03/2019 16:50

of course they need to check. What if both people invite somebody over at the same time without having checked?

Also for guests the house needs to be tidied up a bit, snacks usually need to be got in and each person usually tidies themselves up a bit. Unexpected guests when you're in your glad rags and the house is in a mess are a nightmare.

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2019 17:33

I'm usually in my pyjamas at 4pm on Sunday

TipseyTorvey · 17/03/2019 17:47

Exactly what pusspuss said. I would be furious if dp invited people over without checking with me. There's a way the house looks when no visitors are expected vs when they are and the same with me. I'm all saggy tracky bums when it's just us vs jeans and clean top for visitors. We also don't drink fizzy drinks etc so I usually need to buy this stuff in. Even one day's notice is fine but we use an app to manage all activities so I can be prepared. Sunday is also a bad day for visitors except for DC mates popping over to play as I can ignore them but a spare adult needs speaking to which would detract from my Sunday night week prep.

Palominoo · 17/03/2019 18:07

Person one is being unreasonable by not speaking to person two about having their colleague over.

They could go to the colleagues house or meet in a pub and go through the work.

There is no need to invite colleagues wife and baby over as he cannot entertain them whilst he's going over the work with the colleague and us effectively landing person two kin having to make small talk and put the kettle on.

In order to prevent this scenario arising again, get him to put a shed in the garden to use as a man cave so he can host his work rehearsals without disrupting his family. Outside toilet optional.

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