My dad died and it is very strange.

[TwllBach]

I've seen my dad on exactly two occasions since 2010. Both times he was ill. Once in 2012 and once in 2016 when I got to introduce him to my 6 month old son.

It was conscious choice, to go non contact. He was toxic, poisonous and abusive in a number of different ways in our family home. I moved 300 miles away to university and never went home because of him.

I knew he was in a care home and I knew he had dementia. Other family members would send photos and updates every now and then. I would write letters and send photos of my son on birthdays, Christmasses, Fathers Day etc.

Saturday 23rd February I got messages at work to say he had gone rapidly down hill. It made me feel terrible. Not guilty, I understand the choices I made and would make them again, but... he was my dad.

I booked to travel down and see him the following Monday, believing I had time. That Thursday, though, I had a message saying he wouldn't last the weekend. I threw my 2.5 year old in my car and we drove the 270 miles to my brothers house, thinking we would go together to see him on Friday. by 10pm that night, we had another message saying we had to get there, now.

Even though we made the two hour journey, we were about half an hour too late and my dad died. He looked peaceful and had died surrounded by his sister and her daughters, who adored him.

I thought I was ok and had said my goodbyes the last time I saw him but it still really hurts. I've had strange illnesses since then, one vomiting bug and one odd flu like virus. I'm just so sad.

The funeral is in a week or so and I anticipate feeling a little better after that. It's just a sad thing. I don't even know why I'm posting really - I just don't feel like I have the right to talk about it out loud.

What a difficult and complicated loss. I am so sorry. Do you have anyone around you who can offer you comfort?

And you do have the right to talk about it. What is your relationship like with your brother?

My brother and I aren't close but he had a similar relationship with my dad. Fortunately, he only lived two hours away so he saw him the Tuesday before he died. He is dealing with it by ignoring it really, and I suppose I am too. DP is very close to his parents so can't really understand my reaction, but is being very nice. It doesn't help that we only met four years ago, so we don't have a shared history that includes my dad, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry for your loss. You still have a right & a need to grieve. For what you missed out on with him as a father & a grandfather as well as for the loss of his life. Take some time out & be kind to yourself x

You must be grieving for so many different things.

Hi OP, losing a parent when your relationship is difficult and complex is just as hard as losing one when you are close.

You may have regrets or be grieving the father you never had and now won't have. But it is all valid and normal grief.

Be kind to yourself and allow your feelings to guide you. BereavementUK is a great website where lots of people in similar situations to you share their stories. It may help to journal your feelings anonymously somewhere there.

Please don't feel that your feelings are wrong. They are what they are xx

I was LC with my Dad who died when I was 35. I had been married for almost 15 years and had an almost 6 year old by that point.

When he died, it was as if a weight lifted off my shoulders. I could be me without worrying that whatever I was doing would be wrong or that I was being judged and found wanting all the time. I had days when I cried, days when I smiled, and days when I didn't know what I felt.

It takes time, but 17 years on, I have it sorted.

Grief can floor your immune system. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone.

Whoever said it was like a weight was lifted, I felt that when I knew he was dead. It was like I finally had permission to remember only the good bits and keep the memories that I had that were good.

Then his side of the family started being vile and it reminded me why I’d gone low contact, and it sort of put a lid on the healthy grieving if that makes sense?