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DF won't use baby's name.

17 replies

Toska · 16/03/2019 00:04

My 'D'F refuses to call my daughter by her name. Her name is a classic name, in a similar vein to Elspeth, it's a beautiful name and I obviously love it. My parents are from overseas and had four children, each of us have Western names. My DF calls my daughter by a name from his country that he's chosen. I have never been to his home country and I don't speak the language. My siblings and I all married white partners and I wondered if this has something to do with it, as his way of trying to enforce his culture on us, but it is only my daughter who is singled out for this. I think he also knows that I am the sibling that this is most likely to irritate and enjoys annoying me.

Just a bit of background, my parents had a horrible marriage and we were, for a short time, removed from their care. The police were called to our home growing up and there were serious crimes committed but not against us. They sort of project an air of respectability now so people wouldn't believe the crimes they were guilty of and have quite high flying jobs in the NHS. We were raised by an aunt who was only slightly older than me and survived on benefits despite my parents owning many, many London homes. I only tolerate seeing my parents because of my youngest sibling and a stupid sense of guilt. I don't have a relationship with my DF but he tries to force one. He invents memories that didn't happen and I just politely smile like an idiot. I try not to pick up the phone when he calls so he texts and asks how my daughter is using that name.

If you've managed to stay with me that long, thank you. My question is how would you address this? I really just want to tell him to fuck off with his stupid name but can't. It's getting quite tiring. My beautiful DD turns one in April and it's coming up to a year of this name rubbish and I'm starting to get really angry. I'll have to see him at her birthday party and I'm worried I'm going to explode in front of my lovely inlaws who will then think I'm crazy.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 16/03/2019 00:07

I would address this by not seeing him any more. He is by stealth, emotionally abusing you and this WILL affect your child who will be "called out of name" and it won't be long before she notices.

BartonHollow · 16/03/2019 00:12

You owe this man nothing, only a father in name by the sounds

Is your youngest sibling still at home? If she/he has left - there seems to be neither practical nor emotional reason to stay in touch

I say this as someone who had to go NC with my father, his behaviour was consistently dreadful and I had absolutely no bond with him. I think of him with ambivalence when I think of him at all

Tavannach · 16/03/2019 00:13

Well, first off don't do that to your in-laws. It's not fair.
Your father has obviously got some serious control issues going on. Every time you rise to his bait he knows he's managing to wind you up so ignore him, difficult as that may be. Perhaps say to one of his relatives in a worried way when you know he can overhear that you're concerned he's senile as he keeps getting your DD,'s name wrong.
He sounds awful. I'd keep my distance as much as possible and be icily polite when forced to see him.

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mrwalkensir · 16/03/2019 00:19

a) ignore him calling her the wrong name. and probably b) - I didn't tell my in-laws about my abusive mother for years. Thought they'd think I was a drama queen. Instead they were "well, it all makes sense now - we never liked her"...they may already quietly have an opinion of him Smile

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/03/2019 00:23

I think I would just tell him to fuck off tbh. Why can't you?

If you won't do that then tell him her name is x and if he continues to use the wrong name he will not see her again.

powershowerforanhour · 16/03/2019 00:26

Call him Nigel or Ian or Harold or something till he desists.

UnspiritualHome · 16/03/2019 00:47

Ignore him, he wants to get a rise out of you. Go NC at the earliest possible opportunity, and don't invite him to the birthday party.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/03/2019 00:52

I'd honestly reply "I don't know anyone by "name". Every time he calls her that, ignore him like hes talking to someone else or ask him who "name" is. Or very loudly ask if his memory is alright, since your daughter is clearly called Elspeth*.

AntiHop · 16/03/2019 00:55

I'd go no contact if I were you. He sounds extremely toxic. You deserve to be treated better. Flowers

nocoolnamesleft · 16/03/2019 01:06

Text back "You must have the wrong number: no one of that name here"

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/03/2019 08:41

If I were you I'd get really concerned the next time he does it. Ask him if he's had a test for dementia add your worried he's losing his memory. And don't worry who you're saying that in front of.

scatteredglitter · 16/03/2019 08:44

It sounds like a really unhealthy relationship for you. So stressful and manipulative.
Have you considered getting some therapy for yourself to work through this. You are a parent now and you have a duty to protect your daughter from your parents manipulation And abuse. I think you need to find ways to stand up to him and mind your health and family.

HoneyDragon · 16/03/2019 08:45

If your in laws are lovely they’ve probably realised he’s a nasty abusive and rude shit who refuses to call their granddaughter by her name. Tell them, your partner and nyone else what he’s doing and they will support you.

Palominoo · 16/03/2019 09:37

Take out an advert in the Times Newspaper congratulating your daughter on her birthday with her name in bold and referencing her grandfather and then send copies to him and to his work colleagues and friends.

ineedaknittedhat · 16/03/2019 11:43

Don't let him go to the party.

Why can't you tell him that what he's doing is unacceptable?

There's no law that says you have to maintain contact with an abusive parent.

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/03/2019 12:22

Text back "You must have the wrong number: no one of that name here"
^
This every time. If it is during a call then repeat the message and end the call. Every time!

exparrot · 16/03/2019 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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