The loneliness and ostracism of my new life

[namechangexoxo]

Will try not to drip feed so this may be lengthy!

5 years ago I left my husband, he moved out and I wanted to find 'the one'. I felt very lonely without someone to hold in bed every night, but luckily had my friends to visit on evenings and worked long hours. I had a few flings before meeting my child's father about 2 years ago.

The relationship was abusive and declined rapidly from spending every minute hanging off each other and movie style love to him basically wanting nothing to do with me unless it was detrimental. My self esteem, confidence, self worth and the assertive side of my personality took a major bashing. I felt like a broken person. It took the birth of our child and his violence to continue to snap me out of my pitiful state and LTB!

Now here I am. On benefits. Not working. Single mother. I'm in contact with my ex to keep contact going with our child and him.

I'm not sure what's gone wrong in terms of friendships. Is it because they now class me as 'lazy benefits scrounge' or do they think that DV is contagious, do they dislike that I don't work anymore (even though I've worked extremely hard, long hours all my life), has the abuse left me in a worse state than I can see (I feel much more my old self now and for past 6 months or so), do they dislike the 'drama' which I too hate and try to keep to a minimum? I just don't know what's gone wrong.

The few friends I'm thinking of have similar ages children and work part time, they like to partake in children's activities daily. I set up a group chat to share messages to arrange things to do together and after months of trying I feel like giving up. I try to organise everything from big days out to trips to the park and either get ignored or nobody can join in. After months we've managed about 3 outings. I tend to go to things alone, which is fine. People don't tend to talk to me at soft play etc as they seem to go in pairs etc. I'm not especially keen to make new friends because I feel so let down by the friends I had that I'm struggling to trust, but that's a moot point because nobody attempts a friendship anyway.

When I explained to one of my friends about how lonely I feel and being a single mother would love even if someone would visit me on an evening while LO sleeps for an hour even. She basically said that's not going to happen and I need to get out and make more friends, she was not going to feel guilty or try to help with my loneliness or include me in activities if she didn't want to. She put it in slightly nicer terms.

I do not feel ready to date and daren't have a man in the house in case ex shows up and all hell breaks lose. I feel that if my friends want nothing to do with me and ex is the same then why would a new man etc.

How can I get myself out of this lonely spiral? I love my life with my child but I'm worried my not having friends will have impact on friends available to my LO. If anything springs to mind reading this post - I'm dull as dishwater - for example, please let me know so I can work on things!

Why might your ex show up uninvited at your home? That's your first issue.

Well he probably won't turn up but the couple of times I've had visitors I've been on pins about him maybe spying and making some excuse to call round if there's a car outside. Not too bad if he does that and it's a woman who's visiting but I know he'd be livid if it was a man and it's not fair putting that sort of danger on a potentially bf, I certainly wouldn't like the threat of some violent jealous ex turning up while I'm getting to know someone.

If your ex is violent I would be seeking to remove any contact he has with your child for a start.

You are no longer together! He doesn't own you! He doesn't have any right whatsoever to interfere in your social life!

You sound so - accepting. Why?

He scares me when he gets in a rage. Thankfully that has not happened in my presence since LTB but I wouldn't like to set him off especially if I had company I'd be so ashamed and embarrassed.

Do you think that's why my friends have little to do with me, in case he is talked about or turns up etc? I try to limit what I say about him and he never comes to an outing

On the contrary, perhaps you're often on edge and hiding stuff (the severity of the abuse) from them, which people might sense subconciously and find offputting. Or they might just be shit friends :(

Don't be ashamed. All the shame is on him.

did your old friends support you during the abusive relationship?

Have a think about doing The Freedom Programme, to free your mind from this violent abusive man. You can do it on line if it's not available in your town.

Do you friends know your ex is violent? If so and they know you are still in contact, maybe they disapprove of you having a violent man around your child?

Yes they said LTB but I was still chasing the false movie love that had been, and the abuse was awful but by then I was too far in. In the end I just tried to stop talking about the relationship because it was obviously distressing to hear. Now it feels like they go out of their way to avoid me, I never felt like that before.

You are a strong woman, this is shown from your history. Could you maybe organise childcareand get a part time job? The friends you have are obviously not great so maybe starting again would be the way to go. If your ex turns violent you can call the police, you cannot live your life worrying about what he does/doesn't do.

I think you need to seek help to cut all contact with this violent, frightening man. You deserve to be free of him.

Me having an abortion was mentioned and one friend I know ghosted me because I didn't abort. But she left the group for other reasons also.

The contact with ex and child is quite secure and sporadic, but it could be that. I can't see why that would stop them meeting up for play dates though if ex isn't there and doesn't know etc

You need to make a new friend, yourself. Why can't you go to the park and go on days out yourself? It's better to consider quality not quantity. Plus I would seriously consider a contact centre as he sounds dangerous. If he's not making contact with the child it's best out of your child's life. Better no parent than an erratic violent one.

I don't let going alone (with my LO) stop me at all, but it is quite lonely doing everything just the two of us, plus, other children can enhance other children's development especially if they are familiar with each other. This is what I find most upsetting. I guess they have moved on from our friendship and I either need to make new, potentially hollow friendships somehow I also noticed last night that when I comment on Facebook posts often my comments will be ignored while others get likes or replies, my advice just doesn't seem to get me anywhere in terms of decent conversation. I'm not one for posting things just for likes etc but I did notice that there were a few times my replies weren't thanked while the others were - this is friends at large rather than the original friends I'm concerned about. I did tend to get along better with men in the past, maybe I need to pursue me friendships again somehow.

Male friendships not me!

I think you need to cast your friends net wider. It may take a while but be friendly with everyone you meet regularly. Don't appear desperate or too pushy. Go to lots of different groups. You only need to meet one nice person to set the ball rolling so persevere until you do. Good luck.

Pursuing more male friendships sounds a recipe for disaster if they are married and full of complications if they aren't.

What about just going out, to have a bit of fun rather than looking for the next man.
Join a group, learn Spanish in an evening class, join a gym.

Stop looking for other people to plug the gap of your loneliness and be proactive.

No one is going to come round in the evenings because they have their own children to put to bed and their own lives to lead.
I think you are asking too much .

As for your ex bursting in when you have company.
Has this ever happened since you have split?

Also why are you encouraging your ex to keep in contact with his dc. If he doesn’t make a move to see him then don’t remind him.

Activities in the evenings are a no go due to being a single mother, I have no childcare available. My friends are all with their partners so could get out to visit me rather than vice versa, but they won't. They all also leave their children regularly to enjoy social activities so it's not as though they have issue missing out on bedtimes. The thing that gets me though is them making no effort for play dates when we both have respective children to entertain, why not take advantage of an opportunity to let them entertain each other?!

I will have to be more open to start new friendships I think, but my trust issues make me more guarded, this may be picked up on by potential friends but tbh nobody really speaks to/approaches me anyway, if I speak I get a short reply and they wander off with their child.

You're in a hard place OP ...

As other posters have suggested, it might really help you to sign up to the Freedom Programme and to engage in some form of counselling/therapy where you can explore the issues that are currently weighing you down. At the moment you do seem imprisoned in your own mind, and the past, and how people are not living up to your expectations. You can't move on like this.

What about just getting a baby sitter on a weekly basis to do a course at the local college.

Sometimes I find if you go chasing after something/someone then you are guaranteed that thing/person will run away faster than you can run. But if you don’t look for something or someone then you find things/people present themselves.

I wouldn’t chase the “friends” you have and I wouldn’t go out just to see if you could make friends or meet The One.

Go out and do something for you. Even if you do it during the day or you get a baby sitter in for a few hours each week.

Sounds like you are stuck in a negative thought pattern. You need to work on your self confidence. If you can’t go out in the evening can you get a few workout DVDs or borrow some books from your local library on self esteem? That might help with feeling more positive in yourself.

Yes good ideas thank you.

I've decided to lower my expectations of everyone so I'm not so disappointed all the time. I will make a conscious effort to just stop bothering with those who have proved they're not interested.

I think it is time to put some boundaries in place for yourself.
The ex showing up or even you worrying is not the way to live.
Remember it is your life and why sit back & let yourself be a doormat.

The police can assist with any dramas he creates or threats, unpleasant but don't be afraid to move on.
I think it's great you want to find a new partner, do not live in fear or worry what others think, it is not good to put your life on hold for him or unsupportive friends.
Keep up going to new groups some parents are clicky it's finding where you are comfortable and your child enjoys.
Boundaries for visiting or get a parent plan in place, look up a NZ website called the wheel of violence.. I'm sure it will read excatly what you have lived thru.
If possible met or put yourself out there but you need to do so cautiously as you find your feet.
So what about your financial situation hey I went from the same to working fulltime and I lost friends and family were disappointed I wasn't there for there visits so you can not win. Be proud your a mum the most undervalued career ever. It's a current situation your in remember if your child's happy healthy and loves you your on track if not work towards that for both of you. Maybe it is time to find something else for yourself to keep you lifted up and happy cos men can be not only hard work but self centred. I ramble cos I was you two years ago today thanks to a lot of work I'm on my feet, have frustrations of dofferent types and still waiting on the new man to realise I like daily contact! Chin up!!!