What would you do - dd excluded by so-called “friends”

[Notcontent]

Sorry, this is the usual scenario and probably nothing I can do... My DD is in year 8. She’s been in a little group of friends, with two girls in particular that she felt close to and considered her best friends. Well, it seems that they obviously don’t feel the same way about DD - it turns about that a couple of weeks ago they had a sleepover with one other girls that DD wasn’t invited to. DD rationalised it in her head by thinking maybe it was about numbers or something. But tonight there was something they were attending after school. But there was a gap before this event started and one of the girls let it slip to DD that they were going to get something to eat - but DD wasn’t invited.

I think DD is really devastated as she feels (probably rightly) that these girls don’t actually consider her a friend. She has been so happy at school because of the friendships she thought she had and now it’s been taken away from her...

Bump

I'd invite them on sleepovers or fun activities but separately. Divide and conquer. Let your dd build up her friendship with each one individually. If you can be bothered of course.

If not is there another girl or group she can join?

Alternatively can you get the school to help by sitting them all down and discussing how we treat friends, how it isn't nice to leave people out etc?

Is there any reason for this behaviour as far as your dd knows? Other than 3 being an awkward number (although sounds like they included another girl so maybe not that) or just that they wanted to be mean? Not making excuses for them, just wondering if anything prompted it?

Pumpkintopf - there hasn’t been an argument or anything like that, so sadly I think the girl who dd felt closest to ( who hosted the sleepover) must have decided she doesn’t really want to be friends... it just all feels very unkind.

It's bullying. Girls bully by exclusion. I'd mention it to her form tutor or pastoral care. Just a heads up, and ask for advice. They'll have seen it before.
Can you find an interest outside school for your DD? Drama or a sport, something where she'll meet new people. And maybe join a school club that these girls don't go to.

Yes, thank you - I will contact her form tutor in the morning, just so she is aware, as I am worried about dd.

How on earth is it bullying if the other girls have decided they don't want to be close friends? Desperately sad for the OP's DD but hardly bullying.
I'd try to see it as a chance to make some new friends. Maybe try a new activity where DD can meet new people from other schools and widen her social circle so that she is less reliant on these girls.

HarrietSchulenberg

why girls use social exclusion

Harriet - no, they don’t have to be friends. But they had been acting as though they were friends. Also, with the incident tonight, it wasn’t a special outing or anything - just getting something to eat - and the secrecy involved was clearly designed to hurt dd.

How old are they?

Year 8 means nothing to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is so hurftul. Something similar happened to me at about that age and you never forget just how mean these girls can be. Oh, and nobody 'let slip' anything, be sure of that - they wanted your dd to find out 'accidentally ' that she wasn't invited.
It's easy to say from an adult perspective but the strongest decision dd could make would be to bin them, and try to make some new friends by joining some lunchtime clubs or by inviting somebody else over. Even if she doesn't feel it, if she shows she doesn't give a shit they've got no ammunition. Bullies :(

Year 8 means nothing to me

They are 12-13.

Poor dd. I would tell her to socialise with others like the pp said. It’s tough being rejected and excluded by so called friends

As a teacher, this is the social issue that I deal with by far and away the most, particularly with girls. It’s horrible to see and very difficult for all involved.

We all develop at different rates and our interests change, causing us to drift apart. Could it be that the other girls have gained an interest elsewhere that your DD hasn’t, thus causing a rift. At that age the interest is commonly boys! Could it be something like that?

When this happens, I often discuss how relationships and friendships are transient given that interests and people change. The way we deal with this is key as it can create awkward situations. Understandably, managing this with tact and sensitivity is something that most children and teens find very difficult.

I would agree with previous suggestions about your DD thinking of other people that she enjoys spending time and maybe try a few new lunchtime clubs to spend more time with different people that maybe she doesn’t have classes with.

It’s called gangstering. I remember it happened to me in year 9. For no reason I was suddenly shunned by my close friendship group. I had a few other friends so was ok but it wasn’t the same. I was heartbroken it was literally devastating. Then it passed and I was back in. Still remember it now 44. It’s utterly shit though.

Maybe the other girls juts don't feel as close to your DD as she believes they are. It's not bullying, and divide and conquer to force a friendship seems weird and creepy. Juts ask the girls over independently for plays/ food/whatever. If they say no- then obviously the dynamic has changed for them. That sadly often happens in threes (my daughter is in a threesome, I hate it and I'm waiting to see this happen- no idea if she'll be the one pushed out or not) to 'combat' the group think, we do things with each of the other girls independently, and as a group- as do the other two. Maybe you need to be more proactive with invites?

It’s subtle bullying if they’ve been friends for ages then the whole group determine one girl is not invited, make plans made to keep her out then nose rubbed in it afterwards come on - that’s not the natural wax and wane of friendship that’s fucking brutal.

The problem is that both bullying by exclusion and friends growing apart are pretty common at this age. I remember year 8 as being a pretty nasty time and I also understand how a teen of this age can feel there is safety in numbers and the temptation to ditch a friendship that isn't working in order to be accepted by a bigger group

In any case you can't force a friendship. I think all your DD can do is invite her friends to do things and be prepared to move on if it's not working.

Be very careful using the word bulling in this scenario they are not contracted to spend time together. At senior school friendships ebb and flow, also trying to "fix" friendships is a bad idea they need to do this on their own.

Rather than calling a tutor talk to your daughter about how she is with friends and explain people can be fickle

I would struggle to class this as bullying.

It's important to acknowledge how your dd feels and to sympathise with her. Then do your best to encourage new friendships.

I remember taking dd and a new friend out somewhere really nice and dd sticking it all over Snapchat or instagrm or whatever it was then. Then the old.friend wanted her back but dd stuck with new friend. They are still best friends now about 7 years later!

I wouldn't involve the tutor either. This is down to parenting and your dd to fix.

Lots of commiserations to you and dd op, it is horrible when something like this happens. And it is as you say 'the usual thing' - not at all uncommon.

I would second encouraging dd to spread her wings and make some new friends - chat to other people in the class, join some new school clubs and possibly something outside school as well. Reassure dd that it may take time, so don't rush into trying to be part of another group, as that usually doesn't work - it needs to evolve organically.

So that's the practical side of 'what to do' but there is also the emotional side - that sick feeling when you realise your friends 'just aren't that into you', and the loss of what you thought was a secure group. All you can do really is be calmly sympathetic, agree that it's horrible, and reassure her that it happens a lot (as a teacher pp has said - no reflection on dd, just the way human society works, unfortunately).

My dd refuses to engage in close friendships at all because of this kind of behaviour in a friendship group of three she was part of a few years ago. We had a hellish year over it where she was desperately unhappy and now a few years on she tells me she won’t risk that happening again so would prefer to be friends with everyone but not get close to anyone. Part of me thinks she’s actually very sensible but another is worried and sad for her. She says she’s happy like this but I think it’s prioritising self protection rather than what she really wants.

Are they excluding her in other ways, at school etc? Are they being mean to her? I know it must be so hurtful for her to be left out of certain things, but it is so complex.
I remember a friend having this same problem with her DC, but the other way round. A boy had latched on to her DS but they were wildly different. The DS felt like he couldn't hang out with his real friends because of this boy, because they'd all talk about sport and this boy would be silent- it really affected him socially.

I do agree that there's nothing the tutor or school can do to make the girls include dd if the friendship is indeed waning - though if things are bad it might be worth mentioning so that the tutor can help with co-opting dd (voluntarily, obviously!) into some activities with other dc.