How to cope with Dds lack of friendships? It’s killing me.

[FuckingThis]

Dd is having problems keeping friends at school. She seems to have very intense bursts with other children being her ‘best friend’ but they are never long lived. The friend inevitably moves on to other groups and decides they are not friends anymore. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it was all one sided to start with? Dd can be very intense. She’s an only child and maybe no good at compromising (even though she thinks she is). Whatever it is that annoys others I can’t put my finger on it myself.

Dd is 5 and so in my opinion so so lovely. She’s clever, thoughtful, imaginative, passionate, creative, caring, principled...

Another friendship is in the process of fading out and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get her through it. I find it so heart wrenching and I think I’m making it worse even though I try and be ‘breezy’ about it. I hate to say it but I don’t know how to cope with it in terms with my own mental heath. I just want it all to stop. I’m starting to have destructive thoughts again which I haven’t had in years. I can’t see how I can get through the next 13 years of friendship issues. And I feel awful for making me a part of this when I should just be concentrating on dd. I’m such a crap mum.

I don’t know why I’m posting this really. I don’t know whether I need advice for me or her. I just don’t know what to do.

Crikey, I thought you were going to say she was a teenager!!

Honestly, at the age of 5 I really would try not to worry too much - things change very quickly (and frequently) and they’re really still findig their feet at school at that age. They’re testing things out, working out what they like and can/can’t deal with etc.

It can be very anxiety-inducing though, I know - I have a 5-yr old son and although I think this kind of thing is often less intense/less magnified with boys, I do find myself worrying about his friendship groups and whether he’s alienating other kids by focusing too much on his two “best mates”.

Oh OP ...I thought you were going to say she was 12!

At 5, she really can't have had many chances to make proper friendships...at this age it's all about discovery and learning about friends.

It sounds like you're letting your own anxiety affect things.

I promise you that at just 5, when she's barely started school, she is not unusual.

I have 2 DDs....both of whom have had multiple best friends from the age of 5...they're 14 and 11 now and are perfectly well balanced with good friends.

I think you need to seek support from your GP regarding your anxiety...and try to remember that at 5, kids rarely stick with one child for long.

DON'T pass on your worrys to dd by constantly questioning her...even if it is "breezy". Let her speak to you....ask open questions at the end of her day "Did you have fun?" or "What was the best part of today?"

And let her have friends to play now and then if she wants to.

She’s only five. If she was 13 it would be a concern but not five. Have you talked to her teacher?

Gently steer (brainwash) her from talking about best friends. ‘Oh yes, you played with Amina today did you? Yes you like to play with Amina. Was Jane there? I saw her this morning wearing a pink scarf. There are lots of friends at your schools aren’t there!’

I recognise some of this in myself. I really try not to project my own shit onto DD, so when I'm asking about school I try and keep it to who was teacher's helper, who she sat next to at lunch etc. I ask if she played with anyone else or if she played by herself today, and I try and make it all light and breezy and let her know I like alone time too, friendships change lots etc etc

No idea if this is right, but I do think keeping it light and breezy is a good idea. And prob not probing too much tbh. You could talk to the teacher if you're concerned, they will have a more objective view than you can manage

I have a DD this age and she never talks about the same child twice from one day to the next. She is happy to go into school and is happy when I collect her, so I'm fine with it. Small children are mercurial creatures; your DD sounds fine!

She's five!! My DS is 5 and he comes home talking about a different kid every day! From my (admittedly limited) experience, they play with anyone and everyone at this age.

Is your DD actually bothered by this? At 5, this behaviour is very normal. They’re just figuring out what friendship is, whether they’re interested in it, with whom, to what extent. It’s quite normal to not care a hoot at this stage whether or not you have friends, how many, who etc.

Drizzle I ask if she played with anyone else or if she played by herself today

Just leave it...I remember ,my Mum asking me that...and feeling like it was a test or something. Children can sense worry...don't ask her that. Just ask if she had fun.

Thank you all for replying. It’s honestly heartening to think this is probably my issue rather than hers. I have spoken to her teacher who I think can see some of my concerns but also says that dd is never alone and is always talking to her peers.

I will do my upmost to stop seeing it as an issue. Thanks.
I thinj if I need to see my gp. I spent so much of my tweens/teens suicidal and although I’m not back there again I’m feeling so much more vulnerable than I have in years. Sorry

I think seeing your child start school can be very triggering if you had issues with friendships at school. This book is very very good and informative.

Making Sense of Your Child's Friendships www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848120028/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_GxxICbSGB2EAC?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
One of the lessons I remember from it is at 5 “best friend” doesn’t mean what you think it means - it just really means who they’re playing with!

If you can make a group of friends rather than besties. Try and get a few Mums you like together once or twice a week and go to the playground or for a cafe. She’s really doing fine and it does sound like you might be a little over focused.

Yes, "X is my best friend" --> "I had fun playing with X today". Problem solved!
Really do NOT worry about this as she is 5. If you were saying these things and she was 10-15 it would be more worrying.

She's 5! They chop and change their friends hourly at that age. the words "I won't be your best friend anymore!" are never far away.

You definitely need to relax and let her get on with it. Play dates are great for them to practise one on one social skills, but only if you can do it without fretting and obsessing about their shenanigans.

Are you projecting some childhood friendship trauma?!

My DS is 4.5 and in reception and I don't think friendships are going very well. Not that he is falling out with other children, but just that he plays by himself a lot. He says that sometimes other children say he can't play with them, but I don't know how often this happens. I worry A LOT about it too. It's so hard knowing what's going on as I don't want to constantly be asking him about it, but on the other hand I don't get any information. Anyway, good luck with your daughter. It sounds like she is playing with other children and I'm sure social skills will improve in time!

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling so much calmer now. I will look up the book. Thanks. I’ve tried to get a group together but I work most days so I’ve not got a lot of contact with the other mums.
I’m feeling a bit saner now though so I really appreciate all your comments. Sometimes I feel like I just want to end it all and I get so het up.
mockorangey I hope it all goes well for your son too xxx

I think you shouldn’t be feeling that you want to end anything over a 5 years olds popularity. That sounds like your thoughts are getting blown out of proportion and I do think it would be worth talking to your GP about how you are coping with these worries. Your little girl sounds right on track for her age and she will make her own way. She will find that easier with you to help her so get yourself some support. I think you sound like you will be calmer if you are working to a plan (though that may just be me) and I do think a bit more exposure to other littles and their Mums will help you see how normal all this is, but you could do nothing beyond love her after school and she would grow just fine.

oh op sounds like your won mental health has really taken a spiral.and it can be triggered or increased by worries all around you especially your lovely children.so it could be you are seeing things here in your dd that aren't comepltely rational and they are given excuses by your ill mental health to be the reason for it.and vicer versa.both can kick off the other and keep the other fueled.

I would really suggest getting some hep.whatever that is for you.what has helped in the past.becasue like pp have said this is completely normal foryour dd. but what if it wasn't.youd still need to be the best of yourself to be able to deal with that and not spiral yourself and therefore might infact make your dd worse!
she will look to you and need you to be her guide.so you need to be abl to be safe and strong enough inyourself to be that person for her and for yourself too.
when your struggling everything can seem mahooosive and when it gets scary and unsafe is when you feel like you do with the destructive thoughts.that not fair on your to be suffering so much.
you don't deserve that.
you and your dd can be a team that can get through anything.
but that requires you to be well enough.
goseek some support.and use all the techniques you can to keep yourself calm and centred

and how will ending it all ever help your dd.come on don't talk like that.there are so many other ways to get through this.that way is devastating and permanent.your current feeling don't have to be.you can do this

Thank you. I can see that this is more about my mental health than her friends. I’m a bit scared to see the dr but will try. I thought I’d ‘grown out’ of my depression/anxiety so it’s horrid feeling it come back. It’s funny because I feel like I’m on a big downwards spiral at work too (having been really well regarded for Ages) but maybe that’s, partially at least, down to my perception and mental health.
I know I’ve always a catastrophiser. I can see that not helping here. It does help to have a plan so I will take the advice given above about talking to other mums etc. I’ll try and completely ignore the topic of friends with dd unless she brings it up.
I am a bit worried that I’ll need constant reassurance that she’s normal regarding friends though. Maybe I just need to reread though the replies on this thread.

When I was a teen I used to use the thought that I could commit suicide if I wanted as a sort of safety blanket. I’m not sure if that really makes any sense. I’ve not felt like that for years but it’s been creeping back into my thoughts. The other day I thought I could take dd with my and it horrified me. Obviously. I know it’s not something that I would ever ever do, but even the thought popping into my head is presumably too much.

listen FuckingThis going downhill at work. seeing the end of the world at a stubbed toe.seeing all your negative.seeing your dd drowning when shes swimming.seeing her with no friends and thinking its the end of the world.work colleguess hating you,fearing going to the doctor get support all that is typical of someone suffering with their mental health again.
have you changed in any way at work.nope I doubt it.but what has....?unr mental health.
and to not get support for something the ails you isn't right either and another symptom of what you have.
its never a bad thing to relapse.many people with physical illness do.with someone with cancer who went and foudna new lump said I wont go get help I cant go doc.what would you say to them.of course they should get help!
if anything will help you dd it will be her home being safe and comfortable.and when a parent suffers with anxiety is is one of the major things a little kid can pick up on.
you don't need reassurance from her.you need her to be free of that extra worry.
and yes even having that thought means you've crossed a line.it would never and should never pop into someone head if they were well.but don't beat yourself up.get help!

Thanks kateandme.