ASD child and tough love

[Holymolymackerel]

My ds5 has started at a new school and the teacher has started on the road of tough love.

He has school anxiety and is autistic. The way teacher is dealing with his reluctance, crying, stimming etc is tough love.

Telling him he needs to do the work, do other things he finds difficult and scary.

She said she didn't want to set a precedence to the other children that they could opt out of things they didn't like. My opinion is that it's not a case of not liking but more not coping etc.

So what I want to ask is, despite the initial increase in anxiety etc will this strategy of tough love work with an asd child? I am so upset for him but if it would work in the long time I may stick with it.

Thank you

It’s discrimination and you need to complain.

Would she expect a deaf child to be able to hear her question or a blind child to read a book?

No? Then she needs to make adjustments for an autistic child too.

Have you had a meeting in school to discuss his integration into the class? They will need to discuss his difficulties, the stimuli he struggles with (like loud classroom noise, bustling in the corridors, buzzy lights/loud bells), strategies to help him cope, targets for school to aim for, any reasonable adjustments they will need to make for him?

If not, they should have, and it needs to be arranged as a matter of urgency. Sometimes "tough love" works, sometimes it doesn't - so it's not a case of "he'll just have to get used to it". Autism doesn't work like that.

With encouragement and strategies in place, he might in time be able to tackle difficult and scary things, but the teacher can't simply bully him into doing what she thinks he ought to do. And no, not setting a precedent to other pupils isn't an issue. The other children can be advised how we are all different and some of us need more help than others.

Since you say he already has school anxiety, does that mean this isn't his first school? It isn't going well is it? He doesn't have an IEP, additional support plan or anything like that in place, does he? I assume not but this also needs to be expedited.

Some schools are disgraceful

If you could just ignore autism and anxiety we'd all be doing that with our children!!!!

Autistic children need adjustments just like other people with disabilities.

Also if the tough love makes your child 'worse' you'll end up with a child who doesn't go to school.

That was my experience with a teenage child whose school refused to make any adjustments for them.

It's hard to tell from your post:
Telling him he needs to do the work, do other things he finds difficult and scary.

I think it comes down to how she is telling him to do it, her attitude and of course your DS's personality and needs. We have absolutely no success with asking my ASD child to do something, be it work or whatever. Given the choice, he would do no work in school.

As soon as you frame anything as a question, with or without please, it allows him to say no. However, telling him he needs to do it before x happens is usually (not always) successful. In much the same way as me asking him to brush his teeth and get his shoes and coat on and get his bag is totally pointless, but my setting a "teeth alarm" works almost every morning. And it means that I can counter any refusal with "but it's the alarm, it means you need to brush your teeth". Because he can't argue with an alarm.

This sounds horrendous. My ds was given a gradual timetable increase, a safe and quiet place that he could go to when feeling anxious and a LOT of time and care shown to him. He is hugely happy at svhool in year 1 now. I can recommend the oasis academy trust schools for their approach.

Go and talk to the SENCO if there is one - we've had a long history of various types of teaching with our kids (both are on the spectrum) and this kind of teaching invariably makes them more anxious, and less likely to do well at school.

Teachers have very little in the way of autism training, so they just rely on what they would do with NT kids, which is often a disaster for those on the spectrum. You just can't force autism out of a child. The teachers move on the following year, so don't have to deal with the long term problems caused, but we do (both good and bad).

They must make reasonable adjustment. If they don't have the flexibility or support to do that, you must complain. Does your DS have an EHCP?

I hope it gets better

Dd was on the receiving end of this kind of thing for a short while. It ended in school refusal and her crumpling. Working with her in the right way gets far better results.

Tough love = oxymoron.
There is a shocking lack of understanding and willingness to understand the experience of children with autism.
Get your lovely kid out of there.

Crikey. I think you need to assume she has minimal knowledge of autism.

Book a meeting with the class teacher and senco. Explain again that he can't just get over it, he needs a routine / reduced demands / instructions broken down more / space to calm down so that he can cope with what he is being asked to do. Also explain again that just because he could cope with doing X yesterday, doesn't mean he can cope with doing it today if you just tell him to man up a bit. Write it all down, maybe framed as an "all about me" sheet, if you haven't already.

Good teachers are experts at differentiating, and at 5 the children are not too young to understand that fair means adapting expectations for those who need it. This notion that they all have to jump through identical hoops sounds very old fashioned and at odds with everything I've seen at our state school.

That sounds cruel OP. My adult DD has Aspergers and I "pander" to her all the time. I understand Aspergers fairly well as I have learned from her. She wasn't diagnosed until her late 20's so had no special treatment at school. She is at uni now and does get special treatment, to which she is fully entitled. The teacher needs some advice.