Was I wrong to call DF out?

[ThePixieQueen]

I'll do my best not to drip feed. DF and DSM have been together 25 years. My parents divorce wasn't amicable; not-so-dear Mum cheated on DF repeatedly, DF had a drinking and anger problem, and they were both better off apart. I'm NC with my Mum, not because of the divorce but because of abuse I experienced from her second husband.

I'm Australian but left 10 years ago. I'm married with no children (unfortunately IVF wasn't successful).

My parents had three children; myself, my sister and my brother. I'm the eldest child and close to both of them despite the distance. They each have two kids, both married but DS since divorced.

My step-mum had two kids, twins the same age as my sister, and their Dad was absent growing up. He worked abroad, came home to visit his mum every 18 months, and would pay his minimum child support on the way to the airport to avoid being stopped at the border. So DF was effectively 'it' for them. Neither my step brother or step sister have kids yet.

When DS got married, DF gave her $30,000 on her wedding day, to all of our surprise. He told us we would all get the same when we got married and that he hoped we would put towards our house deposits. He doesn't pay for weddings, as by his way of thinking they're an expensive party (three of the five siblings have married abroad in Registry Offices, including myself). DB and DSS married before me, and received their money.

When I married, nothing was said until I asked two years later (I'm uncomfortable talking about and asking for money!) and DF said he couldn't extract it from an investment but he would sort it out in a few months. This never happened.

DSB has married since then, and my DF let drop accidentally that they gave DSB his money. This made me feel uncomfortable as I feel the odd one out of all five siblings.

They do like my DH, we've been away on trips together, they've stayed with his parents without us, and I don't feel its the money (of course it would be welcomed!), its just I feel unimportant. We've been careful with our money and have a home (with a mortgage). We are currently buying a BTL abroad. All four siblings are high earners, I admit I could possibly be more professionally successful but I have two auto immune conditions which kept me out of the workforce for several years, but recently completed my Masters which should help long term (all studies self funded).

Early last year DF had a major heart operation. We couldn't contact our step-mum and the hospital refused to provide an update citing 'privacy'. We eventually got an update via her niece who had seen a Facebook post from my step-mum. It caused a bit of hurt, and DS and DB spoke with Dad about it. He said that it wasn't deliberate by DSM, just that she doesn't react well with stress.

I went home for ten days again in November, alternating staying with DS and DB as I felt unwelcome following DSMs behaviour while DF was in hospital. On the Saturday morning my SIL called DF and DSM to ask what time they were arriving for the BBQ and what meat did they want us to pick up. DF announced that they had a change of plans and were in Brisbane, that DSM had booked the weekend away as a surprise visit to her parents.

I saw DF once more before I left, my DSM was out visiting a friend, and the usual weekly phone calls I make have been very stilted since I returned. They messaged asking for my address last month so they could send me a 30th birthday present, and (probably childishly) I said not to bother (as I was still really hurt). So this morning I'm not sure what came over me, but I messaged DF via Facebook and said I was really hurt by his and DSM's behaviour, and that I feel really unimportant and unloved. DF did reply that he was surprised to hear it, that he does love me, and it wasn't his fault, it was DSM. I see its the middle of the night over there and he's been online all night Australian time, so of course now I feel guilty that I've probably upset DF. DS said it was about time that I said something, and that the ball is in DF’s court.

Am I an awful bitch?

Is he saying your step mother is blocking the 30K gift to you?

No, he’s saying it’s my DSMs fault that we didn’t get the updates post hospital, that she booked the trip away while I was there, and she prioritised DSB over me for the 30k.

I’ve already failed the drip feed but he and his twin inherited 1.4M each two years ago as their father and paternal grandfather passed away within six weeks of each other.

You are absolutely right to call him out. Has he said when you’ll receive the money? I’d struggle to get past this inequity

No he has treated you unfairly.

Also it doesn’t send a very nice message when you went to visit, I assume for a short period, that your DF and DSM went away for the weekend when they were meant to be going to a family BBQ.

You're not a bitch, and I'd be telling him to have serious words with his wife. How dare he let her treat you like that (assuming she is behind it all)! Ask him how he thinks you should feel, having been treated so unfairly. He needs to get the 30k to you asap, make sure it's on his medical records that one of his biological children is to be informed of any hospital admissions, and allowed to be told what is happening, and maybe he should think about bothering to come and visit you. He should have refused to gone on the trip with her.

It's much better to be upfront & tell him why your upset than be passive agressive & expect him to guess, so you're very much not a bitch in my book.

He's treated you appallingly and I would be hurt too. By the BBQ more than the money I think.

He's an autonomous adult. Blaming his shit behaviour your DSM is a poor excuse made by a weak man.

No you're absolutely not an awful bitch op- well done for speaking up and saying something.

I agree with a pp, although the money situation is unfair, I think I'd be more hurt about them going away for the weekend when you were visiting.

I hope your df takes this on board and makes some steps to strengthen your relationship.

I’m genuinely more hurt (I hope) by being kept out of loop completely about DFs heart operation and the going away while I was there; I arrived Sunday afternoon, flew out ten days later on the Wednesday, so this was the only weekend I was there. I didn’t expect anyone to take time off, I made sure not to spend consecutive evenings with the same family member in the hope no one got sick of me.

I had planned to go home earlier in the year but DF told me not to bother as “Everyone’s too busy and it’s expensive (It wasn’t, I’d found a good deal but let it go)”. My siblings were both annoyed when they found out why I cancelled my original plans as my nieces and nephew were upset I wasn’t coming to visit.

He’s said it’ll be at the end of the year before he can “balance the books” as he’s going on a cruise with DSM, DSB and DSB’s new girlfriend around the Caribbean mid year.

Told DH tonight and he gave me a big hug. He doesn’t understand it either, as he said we’ve welcomed them to stay almost every year, so it surely can’t be him.