How do you find time to grieve as a parent?

[slipnslide]

We lost our beloved family dog this weekend. It wasn't unexpected but from taking him to the vet to him being out to sleep was a lot faster than we had anticipated. Understandably we were pretty cut up and the whole week has been rather tricky.

We have two dcs under the age of 5 and with the negative vibes that undoubtedly come with loss, the practicalities of trying to organise and part with a member of the family, they have (understandably) been acting up.

It's led me to think - my df is quite old and not in the greatest of health and we've got a complicated and tumultuous relationship. Should anything happen to him I know it's going to hit me very hard. I've lost one parent already when I was younger and the cyclical nature of grief often leaves me fine, fine, fine, fall to pieces and crying on the kitchen floor.

But, as a parent to small kids, how do you do it? How do you process your own complex thoughts of loss, try to explain and not mollycoddle young kids into the concept of death, while refereeing fights over Peppa Pig and not wanting to eat their dinner, while trying not to lose your shit?

I've got a wonderful support network but obviously they're not at beck and call at all times. Can anybody enlighten me?

I didn't I'm afraid. I'm a LP and just internalized it all and I'm sure it's done me no end of harm 🤷‍♀️. Incredibly unhealthy but I couldn't afford counselling and couldn't risk time off work so I never really chatted about it.
Don't do what I did .

I didn't. I've lost several close people in the last few years, including my Mum.

I haven't grieved for any of them, if I fall apart now I'm not sure anyone would be able to put me back together.

You just have to get on with it. Sorry, but you do. Small children need an explanation and it is ok to show them you're sad, of course, but they also need life to go on and for their parents to be consistent and for life to go on as normal to a large extent. I'm sorry about your dog.

Thankfully I have no personal experience yet of this myself, but I was 5 years old when my Nan (my mum’s mum died).
I spoke to my mum years later about it and asked how she’d coped, and she said that she would drop me off at school as usual and then just come home and spend the day sobbing by herself. Then at home time she would come and pick me up and put a brave face on for my sake. Utterly heartbreaking.
I’m not sure if this was the best way to handle it, but she did what she thought was best at the time to protect me from seeing her grief.
Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you op

DH died the week before DS turned 2. DS got me through it really. 18 months on and we are doing pretty well.

Also, this might just be me but it's hard to prepare for grief, you can't really because you don't know how you're going to feel until it happens. It is shit, it really is but life does go on so I think it's important to remember the person who died, go through the important rituals of the funeral and so on and then, just take one day at a time.

Honestly I just blocked it out most of the time. Probably not the most healthy but it’s almost 3 years on and I’m alright despite another bereavement in the meantime.

I lost my mum 2 weeks before my second baby was born and honestly it was a blessing to have my kids with me. My older one took it really hard and needed to talk through what happened multiple times a day and that helped me to process what had happened. Being needed by baby the minute my eyes opened focused my mind elsewhere. Not to say it hasn't been difficult...It has, and people forget so quickly. But I am grateful I have my children. If it had been pre kids I would have fallen to pieces.

I didn't cry for 8 weeks after my father died ten years ago, I simply didn't have time with four kids under 6 but the grief used to leak out when I was alone for instance in the car having dropped at school or at bedtime before I slept. I ended up having some counselling a few months afterwards because it really affected my marriage but I still cry sometimes now for my dad all this time later

Thank you everyone for your responses. My mum died over ten years ago and it still randomly hits me on occasion. I've also lost my remaining two grandparents and an aunt lately, but as they weren't in our lives a lot it's been easier to switch it on/off.

It's reassuring to have the kids definitely but it's so hard to know how you're going to react. As a pup said you can't prepare for grief. When my mum died I knew who was going to tell me, what they were going to say to me and yet even though it played out exactly it was still a shock.

My grandad died in the new year and I didn't cry (apart from a few tears at his funeral) until about three days after flying back from burying him.

Dp was going on like everything was fine because I hadn't shown any emotion and was having a go at me for something utterly trivial that would usually just blow right over me and I totally lost it. Thankfully ds was in bed but I just sobbed for a few solid hours, having kept it together pretty well for just over a week until then.

Little bits of grief leak out when I'm alone sometimes too like a pp.

Otherwise yes, you really do just have to crack on and it's really shit.