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Original poster

Ds calls MIL mum, I hate it.....

45 replies

madcow72 · 13/03/2019 07:46

Hi all, I'm new to this. So please bear with me.
My son has started calling is future MIL mum, and it hurts my heart... he moved away to live with his GF, which also happens to be only a couple of roads away from MIL and i rarely see him.... why does this hurt so much

OP posts:
Original poster
madcow72 · 13/03/2019 08:43

Thank you lovely ladies, now I'm crying, because I've realised the reason it hurts so much is because i miss him. I'm glad his MIL is lovely to him. And my memory has been prompted all my boys friends all called me mum as teenagers . I guess its a mixture of jealousy, hurt, love, and missing him x

OP posts:
soulrunner · 13/03/2019 08:43

Both my parents called their ILs ‘mum and dad’. I call my IL’s by their first names but I know a few people who still do the ‘mum and dad’ thing. I wouldn’t worry about it.

diabeticsanon · 13/03/2019 08:49

you will always be his no.1 mum regardless. he just sees her in a different 'mum way' to you.

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BlueMerchant · 13/03/2019 08:50

I wouldn't like it but I don't think there's anything behind it. I think this was done more in days gone by. Think of it as being nice how comfortable he is with his gf and family. He is obviously happy and it's lovely they accept him as one of them. Its taking nothing away from you- you've raised a great son who they see as a good man and that's down to you.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 08:52

“ When I first got engaged, my MIL started referring to me as her new third child. shock I think the expression on my face put a stop to that quickly though! ”

How sad. Sad

ilovecherries · 13/03/2019 08:53

I think it’s often instigated by the other family, as it was more commonly what was ‘done’. Up till my wedding day I called my ILs Mr and Mrs. and they never suggested otherwise. On my wedding day my ILs (who were both absolutely fine, nice people who I eventually grew to love) asked me to call them mum and dad. I just couldn’t do it, but was too polite (!?) to say no. It really inhibited the relationship between us though, as I then spent 15 years not calling them anything. Then once DCs came along, I started to call them nana ana papa and it all became easier. Was stupid though, don’t know why I just never dealt with it. My own parents are twenty years younger than my ILs were, and from the first day they met DH, they just used first names with him. Much easier.

Can understand why it upsets you, I wouldn’t feel right about my own kids calling anyone else mum, but I don’t think there is necessarily any bad intent behind it.

Livingoncake · 13/03/2019 09:05

My mum called her PILs Mum and Dad. She explained to me that back in the day, it was considered inappropriate to call your PIL by their first names, but calling them Mr and Mrs Lastname was too formal, so Mum and Dad were used as terms of respect and in no way diminished a person’s relationship with their own parents.

I personally wouldn’t do it. I get on well enough with my MIL, but Mum is the woman who raised me. I totally get why you don’t like it. I doubt your son realises it hurts you. Can you tell him?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 13/03/2019 09:10

My father called my maternal GM Mother. As a PP said, it used to be thought of as a title that matched the combination of respect and familiarity in the relationship of a person to their parent-in-law.

I would only mind this if I felt it was symptomatic of other stuff in the relationship, but that doesn't seem to be the case with you and your son.

thegreylady · 13/03/2019 09:16

We (my cousins and me) all called our grandma Mother. Her mum was ‘Mother’ to my mum and her siblings.
I thing calling a mil Mum happens quite often and is rather lovely.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 09:18

My mil asked me if I wanted to call her mum- her other dil does and one of her sils. I said that i’d rather use her name and she was fine with that. It’s something that lots of people do-but I don’t think I’d like it if my children did.

Ellenborough · 13/03/2019 09:20

This used to be very common practice once you married. It seems to have died out since around the 70's. My mother called my Dad's mum 'Mum' but I've never done it with my MIL. I can only think of one person my age who calls her MIL Mum.

SunnyScot89 · 13/03/2019 09:25

When with the in laws I refer to them as Mum and Dad (eg "where has Dad gone?"), although if I am addressing them directly I use their names ("carol, would you like a drink"). When just with my DH I use, "your mum/dad". Although now that the childern are growing up I am starting to use "Gran/Grandad" when referring to them in front of the kids.

This is not because I no longer love my mum, or because I am closer to the in laws, it just feels easier. My DH never refers to my parents as mum/dad, and rarely uses their name when addressing them.

EstuaryBird · 13/03/2019 09:33

My DP (of over 30 years) and I always called both called both our Mums ‘Mum’. DP is Jamaican and I’m English so it used to get us some funny looks in shops which was amusing...specially as my Mum was only about 5’ 0” and DP is 6’ 4”.

We’re both early 60s and it was pretty common. Applied to all family members, not just Mums.

CuppaSarah · 13/03/2019 09:35

I call my pils mum and dad. But if my parents arebaround I call them by their first names. Mostly to stop confusion but also out of tact. Just tell him it makes you upset.

He isn't replacing you, his family is growing bigger and there is plenty of love to go around.

MadameMim · 13/03/2019 10:35

@BertrandRussell Sorry, why is that sad? I'm a grown woman in my thirties, with a very close relationship to my own parents, and I disliked her infantilising me, and for that matter, claiming me as hers. I get on very well with my in-laws, but they do not replace my own mother and father.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 11:14

It’s sad because she tried to do something nice and got splatted for it.

sunshineandshowers21 · 13/03/2019 15:24

my partner calls my mum ‘mum,’ but i think that’s because his mum died when he was very young and he’s never known a mum. we’ve been together since we were 14 and my mum has always treated him the same as her own kids. i think it’s sweet in these circumstances - but i probably would be a bit put out if my boys called their future mother in laws mum!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2019 15:38

I would never call my in-laws mum or dad. Not in a million years. I can totally understand why this upsets you.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 15:53

I honestly think it’s not a big deal- in a lot of families it’s the norm. So they ask- you politely and kindly decline Soered. Different families do things differently.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 13/03/2019 15:56

FIL I call Dad. Late MIL was Mum. FIL always gets me “for a special daughter” type birthday cards.

DDs friends all call me and DH Mama[surname] & Papa[surname] which we actually find quite sweet (even from the one who is now a 22 year old rugby no. 8 who could crush Mama[surname] in one hand).

My parents and DHs parents always called their own in laws Mum & Dad so it was automatic for us really.

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