I think my MiL may be dying...not sure what to do. Possible trigger for some.

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

As above really. My lovely MiL had surgery for cancer about 18 months ago, followed by chemo. After that they saw spots on her lungs, but it was agreed that they wouldn't treat due to her age etc.

She's been fit and well, just aging. Until Christmas really when she slept a lot, got very tired etc.

Then a couple of months ago she was very short of breath, eventually they diagnosed fluid on her lungs and she was admitted. That was 6 wks odd ago now and she hasn't come home. Eventually they drained it, but it hasn't helped much. She was moved last week to a care home as she wasn't ready to be at home, and just seems to be declining. She's on a lot of painkillers, and isn't very mobile. Dh texted today to say that she's had a catheter fitted and is getting less and less lucid by the day.

I don't know why I'm writing this really. I'm just so sad for him and his brothers, and by extension the rest of the family, grandkids etc. We all love her so much, she's a brilliant.mother and grandmother.

Sadly she's a few hours away from where we are, luckily though dh stays nearby for work during the week so can pop in and out. The kids and I will visit at the weekend.

I just don't know how best to support dh really. He's the youngest of the brothers and very close to his mum. He's pragmatic on the surface, but it must be so hard. I've only lost aunts/uncles/elderly grandparents so have no experience.

Of course she may rally, but she's 81 and this just sounds like a slide to the end now. :-(

When I was in your husband's position, with a dying parent, all I needed from my husband was for him to understand. Frankly he didn't say much. But when he hugged me, or squeezed my hand, it said that he understood and that was what I needed.

I would agree with PP. Hug, hold his hand, be present and try always to do some form of touching like laying your hand on his arm or shoulder as he talks to you. I found that a touch from another human was what I wanted

On a purely practical note, could you do some batch cooking to take with you at the weekend? Eating is very often the last thing on people’s minds and it’s helpful to have something nutritious available.

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this, she sounds like a lovely lady x

Practical stuff- food, washing, that sort of thing. If he’s living in a house, make sure it’s clean and tidy.
Offer support, but he might be in survival mode and not able to let go for fear of not being able to get himself back together again.
Comforts for his mum- lip balm, things that smell nice, hand cream, a soft light rug, something delicious to drink, like elderflower cordial. Bed socks.
A very hard time for everyone.

Thanks all. Does it sound like she's near the end? I'm worried about whether the kids should visit sooner rather than later, or whether remembering her as she was Christmas would be better. I hate to think of her lingering like this for months, she'd hate it

I'm dealing with a dying mother right now, and for me it helps a lot that my husband picks up a lot of the stuff at home and that he is just there for me and can provide a shoulder to cry on when needed.

I'm sorry to say but it does not sound like she will last for months. 90% of lung cancers die within the year, and on average after they develop malignant pleural effusion, it's between 4 and 6 months and you say she developed it 6 weeks ago already. Add to that the catheter and the loss of lucidity and she may start getting sleepy soon. That precedes the end.

I would bring the kids to see her soon.

I am so sorry to read this .

My Nana was five years after breast cancer when she developed lung cancer. She was given 3-12 months but didn't make three. She'd had enough tbh and it all felt quick to me. Spoke one week most days all fine , spoke beginning of the next week when she was moved to a hospice but she was tiring. Couldn't understand her a couple of days later and she was gone two days after that.

When mil was dying and then when my mother was dying I think a very important thing was that one was managing home life while the other had time to visit the dying parent. When mil died Dh was with her. It was an hour and half away so I then packed all the things we'd need for the days of the funeral and went to his home town. Then he did the same when my mother died. It does sound like your mil is nearing the end of her life but she could live another few weeks, rather than months. I'm sure the home will manage her pain and see that she is comfortable and it is good that your Dh can be there to visit.

So sorry to hear this .
I have just been through this - my dear MIL died last week and my dh found the last few weeks very difficult. I agree - you just need to love and support him. I took over all houshold responsibilities, told my dh to go and spend all the time he could with her (his boss was very supportive and he could work from anywhere remotely). he at least has felt he was there and present and didn't have to worry about any extraneous things.

I think part of the problem is not knowing. Last week they said "not days but not months either". This week she seems to be declining quite steeply. Obviously no-one can say, but if they know this was coming to the end he could take his laptop and sit and work there to keep her company etc. His boss is very considerate but he doesn't want to push it if, fingers crossed, she rallies and hangs around! But then none of us would want her lingering in discomfort, she would hate that.

Yes, it was the same for MIL. First it was that she would not last the week, then she rallied. I think that's probably the hardest thing. Just let him know that you don't mind what he does in terms of spending the weekends there etc if necessary.