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Original poster

To feel like a massive failure because I never reached anywhere near my full potential due to mental health problems. it

18 replies

effo · 12/03/2019 08:27

Just that really. I had a really shit childhood. Physical abuse and neglect in childhood. Ended up with messed up mental health issues as a child and never got rid of it. My self esteem and confidence are shot to pieces. It feels as though im cursed.

I was so bright at school, could have done anything but now all Im good enough for is low paid minimum wage jobs. Even then I don't think im good enough. I even went to uni but couldn't go through with the training year. I was near suicidal and had to leave it all behind.

I see others excelling in their careers- nothing megabucks but good decent jobs. It makes me feel so sad for myself and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

OP posts:

Slowcookervegan · 12/03/2019 09:20

Sorry you feel this way. Are you having therapy?

Original poster

effo · 12/03/2019 11:27

I've had a bit of therapy in the past. It helped me understand why I do what I do but didn't really help me much going forward.

Its too late. Im 40. Its over.
Life has been wasted

OP posts:

keepingbees · 12/03/2019 16:34

It's never too late. 40 is no age, you still have time to do what you want. What would you like to do?

I say this as someone who had a sudden mental health breakdown at 15 which wrecked my last 2 years of school, affected my grades and stopped me from going to college.

gettofuckthrees · 12/03/2019 16:37

My mum went back to uni at 40, got a degree and worked her way up to be a team leader in a massive international company. She doesn't earn mega bucks but is well paid, has a good work /life balance and is a bloody inspiration to lots of people I know.

Her life experience at 40 going into uni made her stand out and she had real drive to succeed. It's never too late. I wish you all the best in getting support and hopefully you will feel motivated to change your present

Singlenotsingle · 12/03/2019 16:45

You've got another 30 years in front of you before you retire. That's a hell of a long time. What are you going to do with it? What are you interested in? Journalism? Social work? Nursing? Business studies?Check out the colleges locally and see what they've got!

NameChanger22 · 12/03/2019 16:50

I am similar, except I went to university and got a degree but I'm still in low paid work with no prospects of ever earning more. Low confidence and self-esteem is terrible, I don't think a counsellor can change that.

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/03/2019 17:09

I'm so sorry, ill health can really leave you devastated.

At 40, you DO have time to carve out a career and life for yourself. Okay it might be too late to be an Olympic athlete or advanced mathematician or whatever, but there are plenty of things you can still do.

What sparks your interest? What do you enjoy doing?

Lavenderdays · 12/03/2019 22:28

I could have written this. I do wonder what I would have done career wise if low self-esteem wasn't in the equation. However, I am a sahm now, and discovering what it is that I actually enjoy/like to do outside of a career and have physically made a list. I have a struck upon a hobby I really, really enjoy and it has made a difference.
It is never to late to return to education (not sure how funding works) but perhaps it is about finding out what it is that interests you in the first place. I struggled through uni with m/h issues but it didn't prevent me from getting a degree.

MandyFl0ss · 12/03/2019 22:32

You're here effo.
It sounds to me that you've achieved a lot bearing in mind what you've gone through...

RandomMess · 12/03/2019 22:35

I hear you, I am very similar myself

Original poster

effo · 12/03/2019 23:09

Thanks for your replies. Im glad in not the only one like this. Yes I would totally agree it's the low self esteem/ confidence which has totally fucked my life up. I feel so sad.

To go back to studying would be impossible. Finances, kids , location means I couldn't.

OP posts:

ghostmouse · 13/03/2019 00:08

I'm the same. Got a degree but low self esteem, mental health problems and bringing up a family meant I had no chance with a career, been stuck in low paid jobs since I was 21.

My self confidence is in tatters and I've had to watch my friends and my ex get thier careers on track, my ex has a very good job and is now doing his masters whereas I'm stuck in a factory doing an unskilled job

My dp put things into.perspective though, he pointed out that I may feel I've done nothing but the fact I've brought up 4 children, one with special needs, coped with domestic abuse, got out, changed my life last year, lost weight and started a hobby that I love and coped with having adhd, depression and asd, was an achievement in itself. He admired me and said that a lot of people would have thrown in the towel long ago. I've achieved things that my first ex never could and never will even though he's the one with lots of qualifications.

I still would like a career as I'm 42 this year but even if I never do I intend to make my life outside of work as fulfilling as possible and achieve things that way

MarkleSparkle · 13/03/2019 00:17

You are so not a failure! To have survived your childhood and continued on with life, the fact that you hold down a job and are raising your children at the same time, that IS success. Lots of people in similar circs don’t make it that far.

But ok, you are only 40 and there is still lots of time for it to get better. Can you afford something like CBT? To work on your self esteem?

bluetongue · 13/03/2019 06:37

Sorry you feel this way. I also feel that my potential has never been realised due to mental health issues. I work in the legal area and it’s so depressing every time someone says to me ‘you’re so smart, you should study law’.

Just getting through every day and keeping my life and house under control is exhausting in itself.

I have been on antidepressants for years but lately thought I’d try and wean myself off them. Ended up having to leave work sick today as I was feeling so ill from the withdrawal symptoms Guess I’m back on them for now.

Try and be gentle on yourself. As much as I’m frustrated with my life I also recognise that I’m a strong person and try and focus on the things I have achieved.

Original poster

effo · 13/03/2019 08:44

I go through times where i don't feel as bad but the feeling of being a huge failure and just ashamed is always there in the background. I wish I wasn't here to be honest. This life is crap.

OP posts:

HolyForkingShirt · 13/03/2019 10:32

I think you should get counselling again. I don't think finding out "why you are how you are" is that helpful - changing the thought patterns, behaviour and ultimately life choices is what will help. I think something like CBT or just counselling in general would be very helpful, to raise your self-esteem and confidence, and challenge your thinking that you won't amount to anything.

Anyone at any age can amount to something and you can too, even if it's really hard to see right now.

M3lon · 13/03/2019 10:47

Remember that with mental health problems the way you feel isn't always coupled with reality.

I was feeling 100% like I've screwed my life up and I 100% guarantee that if I posted what my life is like on here absolutely noone would agree.

I bet the same is true for you. For one thing it sounds like you have a place to live and a family.

BTW This is NOT a count your blessings BS moment...this is just about realising that your perception of reality might not be terribly accurate.

Also its worth realising that almost everyone at some level feels they wasted, if not their life, then many opportunities. This is in part the human condition, but in part the curse of social media...its so very easy to find people doing 'better' than you are. But 'better' is poorly defined and really we need to find our own ways to experience life that don't involve measuring our progress against arbitrary expectations.

Finally, what helps me most in these moments is realising that mental health isn't really a different sort of metric from intelligence or any other trait. You aren't going to be a professor if you have a below average IQ. You aren't going to be a captain of industry if you need a lot of sleep. You aren't going to be a neurosurgeon if you have shakey hands. You won't be an astronaut if you have poor physical health...and you aren't going to be achieve what you might otherwise have done if you have poor mental health

You never hear people saying that their IQ held them back from reaching their full potential...because they factor that in before calculating their potential. Why is poor mental health any different?

yogima · 13/03/2019 11:39

I'm another one that has felt similarly. I am 49 this year and feel I have spent most of my life just firefighting the basics to stay afloat.

Mental health issues are so difficult.

But.. I feel I found my thing at just before 40. Started small and now am getting somewhere. (The clue is in my username 😊)

I have found that my low self esteem tends to make me focus on what I've NOT achieved compared to others and so I make sure i pat myself on the back regularly for the things I HAVE done well. I have 4 beautiful children who i have a good relationship with. I am kind. I am loving. I (now) have a happy fulfilling relationship with my wonderful husband (i found relationships tricky before).
And now what I do as a 'job' helps other people with their mental health issues too. It's not going to make a fortune but it's a good thing to do and it makes me happy.

I make sure that every evening at bedtime my youngest and I say what we are grateful for in the day. Simple practices like that have made me look at my life in a different way.
Can you talk here about the things you have done that you are proud of? Things you enjoy about your life. However small.

My older daughter did the 100 days of happiness project years ago to help her see the simple beauty in her every day life and it helped her mental health so much. So i did it too. And it was so useful at turning my attitude to my life around.

I've also done a lot of counselling as well as other work to help me deal with the things that others seem to just find easy. I think i will need to do them continually through my whole life but I've decided to be okay with that. I've made a conscious decision to be kind to myself about what i need to navigate this world.

I've made a conscious decision to tell myself that I'm actually not so bad after all. Some days I believe it more than others, and thats okay too.

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