Aren't people weird when it comes to presents?

[Bedsidedrawer]

I had a special birthday recently. It struck me that some people can buy thoughtful gifts and others either don't give a toss or don't have a clue.
I get that I'm a grown up and most birthdays I don't bother or notice but this time I did.
I actually find it interesting, the psychology of it. For example I bought one person in my life a special piece of jewellery and extras for a special birthday. They handed me something for significantly less money (they are not short of money) which is obviously poor quality and a bit naff. I'm genuinely perplexed how people aren't embarrassed. More the lack of thought than anything.
Perhaps I'll get flamed for being an ungrateful cow but I'm not sobbing into my pillow. I'm genuinely grateful for the nice gifts and the good people in my life. I'm more curious rather than hurt. I genuinely don't understand why some people are like this with gifts.
Would make a good essay topic

I'm the type of person who loves buying and putting some thought into presents eg a particular mascara my friend was saying she wanted to try.

If I didn't know the person well I would just stick with a gift card, so they could buy themselves something.

I genuinely love the slightly naff presents.

My much loved Auntie would always buy something utterly batshit and a bit crap for every birthday and Christmas and I miss it now she's gone.

@CleanAndPaidFor I don't think it was mean, it was more an interpretation of OP's expectations of gifts, given she raised the assumed wealth of her friend. It's all part of the interesting psychology of present giving and receiving and peoples expectations - OP had observed that this friend wasn't short of cash and therefore, that to me suggests that, by including it in her post, she might have been expecting a little more in the value.

We had a secret Santa the other Xmas. Group of friends all know enough about each other to get a suitable present. Limit £10.

DH and I got things for our secret Santa’s that were personal to the recipient. I even semi-made mine. I got a giant novelty wine glass (I don’t drink wine) and DH got a novelty gift that had clearly been picked up from a bargain bin near a till.

I hate gifts that are a complete waste of money more than anything else.

I wonder if your friend thinks you spent too much.

I'm genuinely terrible at buying presents, even for people i know well. I virtually always end up buying something generic and I find the whole process very stressful. I just can't think what to get them and I have to get something. I would hate for people to judge me for my present buying abilities. It makes me feel even worse about it and I'd probably end up not getting anything at all in future.

I totally agree, OP. I actually think it's one of the red flag indicators of a relationship that's a bit one-sided. If someone makes a huge fuss about their birthday in terms of asking for others to go the extra mile to be there, yet doesn't reciprocate when it's a special day for other people, it can be a kind of symbol of a 'take, take, take' kind of person.

The key to not being a rubbish present-giver is to avoid buying presents at the last minute, when you're casting about for ideas. I keep a list in my phone of things I've seen that I know people will like. I'll often buy a birthday or Christmas present many months before the occasion. I've been known to take an empty suitcase on holiday to fill with birthday and Christmas gifts for friends and family that you can't buy in the UK.

I can spend ages, considering it and saving up, then decide it's too risky to get the thing I'm only 75% sure they'd love so end up getting practical and boring. I don't know how to demonstrate I've 'thought' about it when I have zero time to actually go to shops!

Everyone has different attitudes to presents too, so where one person would love a lavish gift the other would be embarrassed or think it completely unnecessary (FIL...)

People are just different, aren't they? My brother is a good gift-giver, always gets something you weren't expecting but end up loving anyway. He always seems to have creative ideas of what people will like!

I, on the other hand, am just rubbish at thinking of things! Even for people I'm close to, I try to think of original things but I just draw a blank! And then the pressure gets to me and I end up just getting something safe from a list they've made or something they mentioned wanting at some point.

My SiL is a giver of terrible presents. I've tried to figure it out over the years and I've come to the conclusion that because she's a) not short of money b) generally a good egg c) not short of time that what she does is but a load of "stuff" and then decide how to dish it out. I know she shops for Xmas throughout the year, so I reckon that she buys a bit here and there that catches her eye in a "that'll make a good present for somebody" sort of way. I don't believe that she chooses with a specific person in mind.

So, I usually end up with an item of clothing in a size 12 (I'm an 8 and always have been). Now adult DCs end up with something vaguely useful for the house, except it won't really be useful, such as a flavoured oil that nobody would ever use and is shortly going out of date. DH also gets jumpers that are at least two sizes too big - I think she buys "medium" in everything on the grounds that at least somebody will get something that fits.

I agree with others who say that it's not about being grabby and you'd rather have nothing than something that is utterly meaningless / unsuitable that goes straight to the charity shop. It's worse when you're somebody who puts time and thought into selecting the gift in return, regardless of the cost.

I don’t buy gifts for adults. I guess your friend might be similar and only bought you a token gift to reciprocate the fact that you’d bought her one.

Some people see gifts as a mark of esteem or love, and some people don't. I remember reading a book years ago which said there are five different love languages. For some people it's tied to giving/receiving gifts. But if you gravitate to one of the other four 'languages' then your gifts might be a bit rubbish/insignificant/unimaginative.
I've always been excellent at buying thoughtful gifts

I don't like "fun" presents. They are a waste of money and resources.

I am totally happy with a bottle of wine (as long as not Rioja) or chocolates. I know a lot of people would be insulted by that, but I can drink/eat them. I really really dislike wasteful presents.

I agree it is a minefield.

I get from a relative a huge pile of crap every Christmas. That sounds horrid, but I really don't want "Keep Calm and Carry On" signs, "Prosecco Time!" coasters, nylon pyjamas with sleepy bears on etc etc. I always buy relative something like a "naice" jumper.

Last Christmas, however, I grasped the nettle and suggested that we didn't buy presents as it must be such a lot of effort for her etc. There was a bit of a silence and she said that she liked buying presents, and I must be the one that finds it hard as I only got her one present. Sigh. Come Christmas I received the usual giant stack of stuff. So it will never end!

DPs family are weird about gifts; they all give each other the same amount of money in cheque form for each birthday....surely they all cancel one another out??

I think some people just haven’t got any imagination when it comes to gift giving, or they’re just not that bothered. I like to give thoughtful or at least useful gifts, whereas my mum has bought me pyjamas every Christmas for the last 30 years.

I’ll keep doing what I do, because I enjoy buying nice stuff for people and just accept that other people aren’t that bothered by it.

I'm genuinely perplexed how people aren't embarrassed.

Everyone's different, nothing perplexing about that.
I really don't give a shit about presents, would prefer not to get more stuff to deal with. Family and friends feel the same.
If I want something special I'd prefer to chose and buy it myself so I know it's exactly what I like.

If I can't think of something individual then I stick to the "will they get it out of their house within 3 months" rule. Food, smellies, or booze.

People say candles aren't good gifts but I bloody love a candle.

@Magellan l hate candles with a passion.
A friend of ten years brought me a set of three for my birthday, that friendship was over before my next birthday.
Don't mind how cheap a present is as long as there is thought behind it.

@DorothyZbornak it would have been understandable if the relative in question was an Avon lady... but no!

I also have an auntie who buys me the same thing every year:
A pair of fleecy socks
A bag or box of maltesers
A bottle of perfume
A tube of pink smarties

And this has been my gift every Christmas for the past 10 years.
I rarely wear socks unless I really have to and they are never the fleecy type, if I am lucky it will be perfume I like and I cannot stand smarties! So all of that and I'd rather she just bought me a box of maltesers!

@OhMrTumnus In the context of OP's fairly gentle observation, calling her materialistic was mean.

Thoughtful definitely doesn’t mean expensive at all. It means you know the person and have put thought into their gift, got them something they’ll actually like.

Some people are just shit gift givers without realising. Others are tight arses and want to get away with spending as little as possible.

I'm another person who prefers not to get any gifts. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. I rarely ever like any gift. While I appreciate the thought, I now have to go out and spend time and money on a gift for this givers birthday. So it's a bit of a pain. I usually end up spending more too.

Children are an exception. I love buying baby and kids presents, I always remember kids bdays. It's enjoyable to choose toys and kids clothing for presents & wrap them up in colourful paper. Wish the present buying / receiving could end there.

I know what you mean op.

We had a similar experience with our dcs birthday. I know you never know the full extent of people's finances but I couldn't help but judge a little when SIL, who has been on 11 holidays/ long weekend trips in the last 2 years spent all of 3 fucking pounds on dcs birthday present. MIL handed it to us and said it's just a little something they got because it's an expensive time of year at Christmas.

She's had a baby now and I can imagine her having an absolute shit fit if we spent 3 quid on a present.

I've told DH he can sort the present for her dc and I can't be arsed to put any effort in like I do for everyone else.