Was this grooming? (Possibly triggering.)

[Lemur9]

Regular but name changed for obvious reasons.

The recent controversy about the MJ documentary has reawakened some thoughts about my teenage years.

When I was about 14 I became involved in a protest group and met a man 18 years older than me who I developed an intense crush on. I mean, I was obsessed. A connection developed between us - he talked to me in a way which made me feel like an equal intellectually. Around the time I was 15 I went on holiday for a week and I remember distinctly rushing to meet him after I got back because I'd decided that I needed to "confess" my love for him. He also confessed he had feelings for me. From then on we'd spend a lot of time together. I'd use the protests as a cover, or hang around near his street to "bump" into him. My recollection is hazy but I think he was careful not to do anything sexual until I was over 16 but there may well have been kissing & certainly talk around it. We did begin a sexual relationship although it never progressed to intercourse (everything but). By the time I was on my gap year it has pretty much ceased and he'd started a relationship with a woman the same age.

The thing is, other than the attention he paid me, it doesn't seem to fit with classic descriptions of grooming. He was unemployed, still lived with his parents, wasn't in a position of power etc. But on the other hand thinking about it does make me feel angry because he must've known it was wrong.

Sorry this is so long. Just felt like I had to get it off my chest. Appreciate any thoughts if you've read for this long!

I don’t think it sounds like grooming. To me it sounds more like him taking advantage, but not badly. The fact that you met him when you were 14 and knew him until you were 18 (if that’s when your gap year was), and didn’t have intercourse, makes me think that it was you that drove the relationship, and perhaps he was a bit uncomfortable with it.

However I’m reading that the woman the same age that he had a relationship with, was his age, not yours. If she was a teenager too, that would be different.

It doesn't sound like grooming to me, although I've only limited experience. Sounds like you both really liked each other but that the age difference was a problem (obviously)

It does sound like grooming to me: he had a plan, he bided his time, he fed your crush to get what he wanted. Him not having the trappings that would count in regular life doesn't mean he wasn't in a position of power. In groups like that power comes from experience, 'war stories', being good at (seemingly intelligent) theorising, being principled. There is a fair few of these right on dudes who use that kind of power to attract girls that they should really be protective of. Does he fit that type?

Thanks for the replies. Yes @melisme he does fit your description- he had a clear world view, very strong political opinions etc. In retrospect he was probably a pseudo-intellectual than any kind of academic giant but it he did used to write me long poems & letters which I found attractive. He was clear we had to keep our relationship a secret as people wouldn't understand and he created an "us against the world" type of mentality. I feel like even if it wasn't strictly grooming it was at the very least inappropriate for him to "fall in love with me" when he was 33 and I was 15 and for him to perpetuate my crush.

Yes of course it was grooming, and ignore the posters who have said otherwise. The fact that he was seemingly unappealing to those his own age by living with his parents and his circumstances etc, means he was seeking our impressionable youngsters. Of course he knew it was wrong and at that age in any group he was in a position of power. I didn’t work out my own experience of sexual assault as a child until I was an adult and knew what it meant and my brain clicked one day.

Of course it was grooming and what normal man that age would want a sexual relationship with an underage girl.
The poster that said you drove the relationship is disgusting and a victim blamer.

Thanks all. It's hard to come to terms with. Not because I have any lingering feelings for him, but because admitting it means admitting that I am a victim/survivor of abuse, and also rouses feelings of guilt, shame & embarrassment. I don't think I could tell my parents, there was a lot going on at home and they were aware of my involvement in the protests but were probably quite happy to take their eye of the ball and would feel quite guilty for putting me at risk.

However it does make some other things make sense - I have since my early 20s (I'm now nearly 40) suffered on & off with depression & anxiety for which I've never been able to pinpoint a cause, despite several attempts at therapy. I thought it was just part of me.