Why is my DM so bloody thoughtless

[PrimeraVez]

I have been stewing on this all day and finally feel ready to have a bit of a moan. To give the background, I have lived overseas for nearly 10 years. I appreciate this can be difficult for my DM, especially as I have 2 small kids (her only grandchildren) who she only sees a few times a year.

But but but. Why is it that every time we Skype she says something that leaves me seething? It’s like she has zero concept of how she might make me feel. And if I ever pull her up on it, she then manages to make me feel guilty or like I’m being defensive and prickly.

One example is the other week she was asking how my thyroid is these days (I was severely hypothyroid after the birth of DC1 and became really quite ill) I said that actually it wasn’t very stable at the moment and so my doctor was tweaking my medication a bit. She said “yeah I thought you didn’t look very good in one of the photos you sent me of you and the kids the other day... you know, remember how droopy your eyes went last time, you looked a bit like that” Err thanks?

And then today when I made a comment about how tough the kids were at the moment - both boys have nasty colds and the baby is also teething so no one is getting much sleep at the moment - she said “it’s not hard work really, you’re just not used to it because you have a nanny... I never had a nanny and I managed just fine”. Yes I have a bloody nanny but both DH and I work full time and have no family nearby to help out like she did when we were kids (fully appreciate it was my choice to move away but that is still the situation)

Also whenever I comment that work is full on/busy, she makes a similar comment about “well I worked full time when you were young etc etc.” The reality is that she worked a few shifts in a local shop for a bit of extra money. I am not belittling that in any way but I struggle to compare it to my job where I am in a senior position, under a lot of pressure, am the main breadwinner for my family and am expected to be on the end of the phone/email 24/7.

Rant over. Can anyone sympathise or give me any tips for dealing with it?

You've just described my mum. I no longer speak to her (long story) but for years before this I had to listen to those kind of comments and regularly tell my friends about it to check if their mothers were the same. Top tip - she won't change. Also any conversation about what it's like will fall on deaf ears. I used to just not talk in a way that opened me up to that kind of comment and keep it superficial. Sad, as you really want to talk to your mum in an honest way don't you? It might be that your mum is envious - this was suggested to me as my mum had a difficult start in life and it made a bit of sense, but only you will know if that fits for you and your mum. Good luck - rant to your husband!!!!

I just go mhm mhm or if properly pissed off just tell her it's time to go now. She's slowly(very slowly) learning . She still has days when she goes on her stupid rants or pulls up her old bullshit (from put me downs to remember that time you were a really horrible child) but like I said,i mumble something and then say "ok mum,love you ,bye" and put the phone down.
Tbh the distance helps a lot. If I don't want to answer or ring her she can't get to me. I've also accepted this is who she is and she'll never be "that kind of mum". So I have very low expectations, don't put up with her bs anymore and basically just get on with my life.

She's due a visit tho,and fuck me that will be painful.

Thank you - nice to know I'm not the only one!!

Think you're all right in that it means I never really open up to her or talk to her honestly about stuff that is bothering me/upsetting me, as I can't face her shit responses.

I had a really horrible drawn out MC last year and not only was she really unsupportive in general, she made a couple of really insensitive comments. They weren't deliberately malicious - just really poorly thought out and hurtful. It meant that when I fell pregnant again (DS2) I didn't tell her until after my 12 week scan, and then I could tell she was pissed off that I had kept it from her.