Adoption advice please.

[MrsHynd]

We have 2 biological children aged 5 and 9. Considering adopting a younger child. Are we doing the right thing? Our family seem to think it's a bad thing. Surely it can work out well and be a positive experience for all?

I think it is important to recognise that adoption will impact on all members of your family. The impact will go on throughout their lives - and affect generations yet unborn This will go on even after you and your partner have passed on.

I say this as a fifty something adult whose childhood was transformed by my parent’s decision to adopt two younger children - both of whom had serious behavioural issues. I could not wait to leave home when I was 17 to get away from the unhappiness in the home caused by those children and my parents inability to deal with them. I spent much of my adult life trying to keep my own children away from them ( drink, drugs, violence, erratic behaviour etc) and I am now trying to protect my elderly father from them and their children as they exploit him financially in his ‘golden years’. I am frightened of one of them, her children and her various partners.

Adoption in the 60s and 70s was very different to today’s adoptions. Today’s adoptive parents are properly vetted and beter prepared for the problems they may face. But the children available for adoption are almost always more traumatised than those placed for adoption fifty years ago- so the challenges are just as great, if not greater.

You might get a different view on the adoption boards. But my experience has been wholly negative and I bitterly resent my parents decision.

Thank you. What you have described is my worst nightmare. We want to help a child but don't want to cause upset to our children. It's a big risk! 😞

We adopted 2 but don't have any birth children.
I think adopting with birth children is a big step.
If you go onto the Adoption board (under Becoming a Parent) there are posters who have adopted after birth children.

The adopted child would need to be at least 2 years younger than your youngest, and preferably more. This reduces the risk of conflict with your birth children, and means your birth children can be more independent from the adopted child if they turn out to have higher needs.

My DC have added so much to our lives and if I could go back I would do it again. The hardest has been the older teen years, which has been a struggle, but many parents of teens say that.

Your family will be seeing the risks and wanting to protect you. They won't be thinking of the rewards.

There is an adoption board which maybe more helpful.

But like a pp said children are up for adoption because they have abused and often that is server abuse (unless in care from birth) and then they will have had their attachment broken with their parents and subsequent parents. The needs of an adopted child are very specific and are not the same as a birth child.

The council have said they would probably look to match us with a toddler if approved as there aren't many babies put up for adoption. So much to consider! We could give a child a loving home and it could all work out. Fingers crossed!

My friends adopted two lovely children who I know quite well. They are a lovely family bit behind closed doors I know the children are very challenging. Poo smearing, knife wielding, violence, refusing to sleep, swearing ...these have been every day occurrences for the last 3 years. Children are 11 and 9 now. The parents are amazing , patient and loving but I don't think they could have coped if they already had other children.

To be honest wanting to ‘help’ a child is a nice idea but poor motivation.

You should want to adopt because you want to become a parent. I hope that makes sense.

Similar experiences to Mullo. It’s something I will regret forever.

Surely it can work out well and be a positive experience for all?

Of course it can. It's brilliant, but it's also hard. As PPs have said- move this to the adoption board and you will get more useful responses. You also need to just browse those boards to get an idea of the process; though keep in mind the selection bias- people don't tend to post online about the lovely ordinary days.

To be honest wanting to ‘help’ a child is a nice idea but poor motivation. You should want to adopt because you want to become a parent.

I assume the point is that the 'wanting to help' comes off a little naive- true but most adopters start off with a fairly rosie image.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to adopt because it's a worthwhile thing to do. Not all adopter face barriers to having biological children.

What is the reason behind wanting to adopt?
If your motivation is about helping a child then maybe consider fostering instead. Adoption is not about helping children it's about becoming the parent to a child in every way but biologically.

You are coming from the right place and it would be worth taking it a bit further to se what you think. Most LA's will do a preparatory course for people who want to adopt and that should give you an idea if it is right for you and your family before you start any assessment. You can walk away at any point.

I have a birth son and adopted DD when he was 4 she was 1.
It is pretty hard. DS doesn't really understand why she gets away with things that he would get told off for (shouting/telling off doesn't work she laughs and does it more!!) DD is functioning about 12 months below her chronical age and it is hard for everyone. Lots of people don't understand this. They judge her (and me) based on what you expect a child of her age to do. She is 3.5 but behaves as a 2.5 yr old. We get looks when I don't tell her off for doing something (i speak calmly and explain why she shouldn't and then tell her I love her but do not like her behaviour). I'm told I am soft on her but I am not. I am equally hard on each child but in completely different ways!
It is really hard work. If you want another child because you want another child, then go ahead. If you think you are "saving" a child then don't. Not at the expense of your other children.

I was adopted in the early 70’s (obviously very different back then) my adoptive parents then went on to have a biological child four years later and then another two four years after that.

I resented my siblings as I was used to being an only child (I was 5 and 9 when they came along) and our relationship has always been a little strained and awkward even as adults.

Sadly, I have to agree with previous posters.

As an adoptive parent with birth children, my advice would be not to do it, for all the reasons listed above.

Thanks for all the comments. Really lots to think about. We did look at fostering but don't think all the coming and going would be good for us or our children. We want to add to our family and it doesn't matter to us whether that child is our own birth child. We have love to give and a secure, happy home to offer. Will be doing the preparation course this month so will see how we both feel after that. There is also info about medical issues children may come with so will be something else we need to consider.

Adopting is amazing! But do make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, have realistic expectations and have the energy to deal with complex issues that aren't present at the time of adoption - I know this sounds blunt but most kids are only in the care system for one reason, neglect in some form. Toddlers also are very sought after and I expect the council would prioritise a childless couple over you as their know are tricky it can be when there's birth kids and adopted kids. I know people who have done it and one one case it broke down, another it destroyed their marriage. It's a buyer beware situation I suppose.