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Original poster

Was I wrong to tell my 3 yr old about ‘going to heaven’

26 replies

spatunglia · 09/03/2019 22:25

Help! I’ve spoken to my son previously about the fact that my grandparents aren’t here anymore because they’ve gone to heaven (we have pictures in the house and wanted to be honest) Tonight though, the subject came up and he asked me in more detail. Was your grandad sick? Was in hospital first before he went to heaven and did I miss him. Then he suddenly burst into tears because he doesn’t want to go to heaven, he wants to stay with me. It was heartbreaking and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach that I’ve now put those thoughts into his head and can’t stop crying. He’s only 3 yrs old and I feel completely awful. To hear him say those words was heartbreaking. Was I wrong for being open with him at such a young age when it wasn’t really necessary??? Any advice please would be greatly appreciated.... feeling like a crappy mum right now :(

OP posts:
Bathbombs · 09/03/2019 22:29

Ah most of them go through a phase when they realise that people don’t live forever.
It certainly hit my ds quite hard at that age (3-4) and it was heartbreaking when he got upset because he didn’t want me or himself to die Sad.
No advice really but I don’t think you did anything wrong-just keep it fairly light and divert the conversation towards enjoying life now!

Original poster
spatunglia · 09/03/2019 22:33

Thank you :) did my best diversions tonight... but knowing him it’s bound to come up again... I think if I’m being honest I wasn’t prepared for how unprepared I was with what to say! I’ve always wanted to be open with him but am worried I pushed things to far ....

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CookieSwirlC · 09/03/2019 22:37

My 5 year old doesn’t like walking past the cemetery and recently after hearing about a girl who got stabbed on the radio news I got lots of questions about how she got stabbed and why and what sort of person would do that.

She knows when you die your body is buried in the ground (haven’t mentioned cremation yet!) and people have a stone to remind us of them on top but it’s jjst your body not you as your spirit goes up into the sky. And you can be very old, or sick and die and that even babies and children can die.

She also declared tearfully the other day that she doesn’t want to die not even when she’s old. And she asked me who would look after her if dh and me died. It broke my heart that she has headspace for these sorts of thoughts but I also know that she needs to know things like this happen so I just try my best to answer her questions in a kid friendly way.

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LovingLola · 09/03/2019 22:40

I swore to mine that you bring your own bed and toys with you when you die...by the time they were 6 or 7 they had a better understanding

Original poster
spatunglia · 09/03/2019 22:48

Thank you so much for sharing. Getting the balance is so hard! :(

OP posts:
Mykingdomforanickname · 09/03/2019 22:50

OP, no I don't think you were wrong. Children are bound to encounter death at some point. My DS is now an adult, but he was three when he first found out about death. (As in your case, the initial question was prompted by photos of great grandparents). There then followed lots of questions about death, but I think as a parent it's good to answer questions as honestly as you reasonably can in an age appropriate manner and in accordance with your own beliefs on the subject.

CheshireChat · 09/03/2019 22:58

My son is 4 and we've had to explain about death after my partner's sister passed away Sad, he does find it a bit upsetting, but it's perfectly normal. It is sad.

One thing I do remember is that current advice is to not say that the deceased is sleeping as some children get scared of going to sleep.

Original poster
spatunglia · 09/03/2019 22:58

Thank you so much

OP posts:
anniehm · 09/03/2019 23:00

I think you did really well, as much as it's upsetting for us, it's just part learning about the world. I would explain that they were old (remember anything over 50 is old to a 3 year old so unless it's a really premature death this works). My dd asked if children could die once (there was a terminally ill girl at her special needs nursery) that was tough but I was honest and said it was because of a of special kind of sickness not like having a cold or sickness bug.

Original poster
spatunglia · 09/03/2019 23:05

Thank you CheshireChat :) yeah I’ve heard similar about the sleep thing
Thanks everyone for sharing, feeling less like I did the wrong thing. I guess my main concern in all this is having him worrying about either himself or others going to heaven. I guess I should also mention (didn’t think of this earlier) that my son also has a bit of a separation issue at the moment and last month cried When we were talking about people getting married because he said he never wants to marry someone because he never ever wants to leave me and never wants to not live with his mummy and daddy

OP posts:
Original poster
spatunglia · 09/03/2019 23:07

Anniehm that must have been awful :(

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 09/03/2019 23:48

I sound really calm now, but it was really tough as he caught us off guard with the amount of questions and it was still really raw for DP still so I couldn't be quite as blunt with DS as I would've been normally.

Coco is a good movie kinda regarding this as long as your DS isn't scared of skulls or day of the dead imagery etc. It really got DP actually.

Bathbombs · 10/03/2019 07:24

Also-he probably will come back to this again and again for a while now but just to reassure you it’s normal-it’s a big thing to process.
I’ve said similar about only happening when people are really old but that sometimes very sad things happen-accidents, very bad illnesses etc. It’s very hard to get a balance between being truthful and avoiding upsetting them too much. I tend to go for a fairly brisk answer and then change the subject. Especially as the topic tends to come up at bedtime-I don’t want to have an in depth discussion about death just before he goes to sleep!
My daughter is a bit older and has gone through the intense phase-I can be a bit more detailed with her-she knows about natural disasters, Wars, cancer etc from reading and tv and school. Conversely she can take being a bit more lighthearted-for example when she says she doesn’t want me to die I sometimes say don’t worry I’ll come back and and haunt you to tidy your room etc. That wouldn’t work with ds at all!

DelurkingAJ · 10/03/2019 08:26

Sounds like you handled it well. The only hiccough I’ve seen from ‘X has gone to heaven’ is the child assuming it’s like going on holiday and assuming that person is coming back...

BooseysMom · 10/03/2019 08:56

It's very hard to get it right and yes I agree with others here that you did ok actually Smile. . My mum passed away in hosp when DS was 3. He's 5 now. He does remember her a bit and he seems to have accepted that she's gone from our lives but is in heaven watching us. He's not freaked out by it. But we had the conversation about us passing away and he said none of us will ever pass away and he did get upset. I reassured him and said don't worry it won't happen for a long time. We're not religious so I focus on nature and renewal. Once when he found a dead butterfly and didn't understand what was wrong. I said it was sad but his body needs to go back to the earth where it will grow into something new. We buried it and of course he waited for it to grow out of the ground and I had to explain that it takes a while to happen! The episode of Bing where the butterfly dies is clever. All the kids are crying and so they bury it then make butterfly pictures and hang them up where it's buried so it won't be lonely. My mum didn't believe in heaven but in space and atoms so she said she would become part of the earth which would then one day be blasted into space and all the tiny atoms would grow into something new..and so life goes on. I like that and it gives comfort to us.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 10/03/2019 09:02

My 3 yo was asking about death out of the blue in the car the other day. I said no-one knows what happens but some people believe X, some people believe Y... his face when I said some people believe you start as a baby again was so beautiful! He did a big gasp and actually looked amazed/excited! So rather than just focusing on death/heaven maybe add in some other theories OR maybe just don’t push the point and dont mention it again 😄 I personally believe nothing happens after death and you’re just gone forever but I certainly did NOT tell DS that as that is quite devastating to be fair.

Ribbonsonabox · 10/03/2019 10:54

You haven't done the wrong thing! I think it's common for kids to start to think about this at 3+ of course some dont till a bit later... but quite a lot do so you would have to say something to explain.
My son is nearly 4 but we went through this a few months ago because of some dead rabbits he saw whilst out hiking. Now he talks about and asks questions about death.
It is kind of heartbreaking when they reach this stage but it's a natural part of growing up.

outpinked · 10/03/2019 11:16

All children have this stage, it’s a very normal part of development. You just need to continue reassuring him and he’ll move on eventually. It was fine to say that btw. My grandad died when I was four and I was told he was now in Heaven and also that he was a star in the sky. I held onto that as comfort for years.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/03/2019 11:30

I'd always tell very little ones that e. g. a grandparent has gone to heaven. I recently told Gdd (3) after she asked where my mummy was (she'd seen a photo) that she'd been very very old and died, so she'd gone to heaven to be with my daddy, who she'd loved very much. She just accepted it just like anything else.

I was always told the same sort of thing as a young child - once I was a good bit older I gradually worked out my own ideas. It certainly didn't bother me that anyone had 'lied' to me, though it's entirely possible that the adults around me then believed it. (As plenty still do.)

Original poster
spatunglia · 10/03/2019 11:57

Thank you so much everyone for the comments, much appreciated. Having slept on it, I feel a bit better about the situation, I guess it’s just heartbreaking seeing a 3 yr old getting upset about not wanting to go to heaven... as a parent you just want to make everything ok but I can’t lie either :( Is there any advice anyone has for what to say when they ask about if/when they are going to heaven??
My husband is fuming with me for allowing the conversation to take place :(

OP posts:
Bathbombs · 10/03/2019 12:10

I’d just say you don’t need to worry about that for a long time. Mine pushed me to say more and I said that I’d go with him if he wanted which I guess was kind of a white lie but was comforting to him (and me!)
You can’t avoid the conversation-he’s going to encounter death at some point and photos of your grandparents are a perfect way

Tryingtoholdittogether · 10/03/2019 14:55

I think you did fine. We said similar and they just accept it as a fact of life now age 4 and nearly 6. They had a phase ofnworryjng but now they now it is a fact of life and it is sad but it happens

goldengummybear · 10/03/2019 15:16

I think it's a conversation that has to happen sometime during childhood and that you did the right thing. Thanks

FuzzyShadowChatter · 10/03/2019 15:24

Your husband is ridiculous to be fuming with you. Does he just expect you to dodge the question entirely and expect that to work smoothly?

We've had several family deaths and my oldest lost a friend to a terminal condition when he was little, so it's come up a lot. When they've asked when they'll die or I'll die around that age, I generally said something like "that's not likely to happen for a very long time". Sometimes with several over-exaggerated verys in different voices. Honest, not definitive, and as relaxed as I can be.

MumUnderTheMoon · 10/03/2019 16:33

I think that if a child is old enough to ask questions then they are old enough for an answer.

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