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Original poster

Not sure I can cope with DP lifelong condition

17 replies

AnotherNightCooking · 09/03/2019 20:06

I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but I have no one to talk to IRL

DP & I have been together about 3 years, late 40s.
DP didn’t tell me for a long time about his condition.
He takes daily medication but still suffers quite a few episodes. This leaves him completely incapacitated for a few days & then groggy for a few days longer.
These episodes are usually bought on by late nights & stress.
The late nights are due to him not going to bed not work.
Stress is our everyday life at the moment. It’s got to the point that I don’t want to discuss things with him due to fear of causing him stress so in turn I’m shouldering everything.
I know he didn’t ask for his condition but I’m not sure if I can cope

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/03/2019 20:08

It seems that you are saying it's not so much his condition that is making you question the relationship but the way in which he fails to take responsibility for managing it.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 20:12

I ended my marriage partly due to exh and his depression.
His management of it was refusing ads, taking sleeping pills after a drinking binge, sleeping for so long I checked for a pulse.
And blaming his shit life on everyone but himself.
Dc were living on eggshells and he plummeted us into debt rejecting all blame.
Sometimes putting yourself first is really the only option op.

Weezol · 09/03/2019 20:18

If he's choosing not to manage the condition, I think it's okay to call it a day. Just because he wants to live like this doesn't mean you have to.

I have a chronic physical condition and take shedloads of medication. I have very little time for those that are capable of managing an illness but choose not to, to the detriment of those around them.

My mental health has been up and down too and it's been very hard at times, but it's not a free pass to be selfish to those that care about me.

SunnySomer · 09/03/2019 20:27

To be honest (and I’m speaking as someone a similar age with an apparently similar condition - I have epilepsy) - I would end it. By this time of life you know how to minimise the risks of an episode and the experience of it is so grim that it’s not worth the benefits of, eg, a boozy night or a late night.
By not ending it you are signing yourself up for another 20, 30, 40? years of the same, and nursing when there is no love or respect is a difficult thing. Equally receiving nursing from someone who no longer loves you is unbearable.

TeacupDrama · 09/03/2019 20:33

so the late nights he could do something about but the stress in your everyday life in unavoidable so so it appears from OP and he does take his daily medication
Sometimes if you are stressed you can't sleep whatever time you go to bed

sometimes you have to decide how you can manage life for your DP this may mean accepting he can't deal with stress and taking a less stressful job where it is easier to switch off as you leave and the drop in pay and /or lifestyle maybe worth it to be in better health

for you it may mean leaving the relationship, if it is life long and chronic it may get worse, if he can't cure it even with medication and is doing the best he can most of the time only you can decide if the best he can be is something you can accept without resentment

if he took a less stressful job would you resent him for contributing less financially if it improved his health

It is not fair for someone to use an illness to be selfish or an excuse not to pull their weight, it is also not fair to expect more from someone than they are capable of giving or blame them for what they have no control over

Original poster
AnotherNightCooking · 09/03/2019 20:49

The stress is avoidable & I really hate putting this into words but he doesn’t work (he can but chooses not to & has lived off his savings for the last year).
I had to make a horrible decision last week to say we can’t live like this anymore.
I put myself into action & have picked up 5 new clients in 3 days (I’m v excited).
He made an effort for a day & now nothing. I’m not expecting miracles but I just want him to want to push forward even if it comes to nothing.
I feel like I’m watching someone dying.
He does sleep.
He chooses to stay up late. His choice entirely.
He drinks too much.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 09/03/2019 20:51

So actually he is just a selfish arse and it isn’t really anything to do with his condition?

I have life long disabilities managed by daily medication. If I don’t look after myself my family cannot function- I have a son with complex needs and a mum who is currently in a hospice. Neglecting myself isn’t an option. I wouldn’t expect dh to put up with me drinking too much and not getting any sleep, it would be unfair.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/03/2019 20:55

You're done, but you know that already. DTMF as Dan Savage would say.

JRMisOdious · 09/03/2019 20:58

Thought you were going to say he’d developed something after you got together. That he didn’t tell you from the word go is way out of line.

Singlenotsingle · 09/03/2019 21:01

Sometimes, if a person won't take responsibility for themselves, you have to put yourself first. Otherwise you're risking your own health and sanity and end up being no good to anyone.

TeacupDrama · 09/03/2019 21:38

I misinterpreted the OP when you said stress was our everyday life I thought that implied it was unavoidable hence my advice

reading your second message I feel the relationship is over as he is deliberately doing things ( drinking and staying up late) that make his condition worse and expecting you to handle it, my DH is teetotal but he was told his blood sugar was too high so he dealt with it and now doesn't need medication but he finds it harder to stop drinking fizzy stuff than to not eat chocolate but he tries and I also try not to make it harder for him if he was sabotaging his sugar levels I wouldn't be terribly sympathetic

Driftingthoughlife · 09/03/2019 22:41

As someone with a disability he is being selfish. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

I have worked with people with disabilities all my life and you get those who make the best of it, those who can’t make the best of it because they severely depressed and it has really got the better of them and then there are those who could help themselves but won’t and it’s that group who are by far the hardest to deal with

HelmutFrontbut · 09/03/2019 22:52

Have you posted about this before?

killpop · 09/03/2019 22:54

This is the husband with epilepsy or something isn't it? Caused by drinking binges leaving him incapacitate for days?

kingfisherblue33 · 09/03/2019 22:57

What is his ‘condition’?

GoldenSyrupLion · 09/03/2019 23:01

Yeah, you've posted before havent you?

Knitclubchatter · 09/03/2019 23:15

Have you posted about this before, epilepsy triggered by alcohol consumption?

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