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Original poster

Do I tell my DP?

20 replies

Hopefulmidwife · 09/03/2019 13:10

I am 28. I had a termination when I was 16. I for obvious reasons don't tell people and keep it to myself. Me and my partner have been together a year and a half, and he is the man il marry and have children with.

The problem is is he doesn't know. Do I tell him? It's starting to get to me as it feels like this big secret. I worry his reaction. But I also worry if we have children it'll be revealed by my medical history. What would you do?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 09/03/2019 13:12

It's your decision and only yours.
It shouldn't be disclosed by medical staff.

chocolateroses · 09/03/2019 13:20

I think this is a difficult one and would be a different answers depending on each couples circumstances and beliefs.

If I had done I would have told my DH, he would have not minded at all but he would have maybe kept it in mind when discussions around that topic or trying for babies came up, so he could be sympathetic and make sure he didn't say anything insensitive. But if I chose not to tell him and kept it to myself I think that would also be ok.

But i guess if you're marrying someone very religious where it's a morally sensitive subject I don't know, I think I would feel like I was keeping something from them for other reasons.

At the end of the day it happened in the past, and if you really don't want to tell him I wouldn't feel obliged to Thanks

HollowTalk · 09/03/2019 13:21

You need to think about whether you should marry someone you can't confide in. What do you think his reaction would be?

boringlyboring · 09/03/2019 13:27

Is there a reason he does need to know though? If it was over a decade ago?

I had one at a 19, I’m still with the same dp now (he knows obv) but if I was with someone new, it wouldn’t cross my mind to tell him just so he knows.

Unless you mean you’re struggling with having had one and need to talk it through with someone?

Original poster
Hopefulmidwife · 09/03/2019 13:33

Hollow that's not it at all. It's the fact I feel I'm keeping secrets; and I worry if we have children and he finds out in a way that isn't through me and he'll feel betrayed, maybe?

He doesn't need to know. I just don't like the idea I'm keeping secrets

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 09/03/2019 13:42

I don’t think it’s anything to do with him really though OP, unless you want him to know. It’s not so much a secret, it’s just something that isn’t relevant to him. There’s no betrayal.

If you’d have been together or knew each other at the time or something then maybe.

I’m trying hard to thinking of an ‘other way round’ example but there isn’t one that compares!

Even if he did find out later on, which is unlikely unless coming from you, it’s not really something that affects him in any way.

chocolateroses · 09/03/2019 13:43

@Hopefulmidwife if that is how you feel I would tell him. If he is a nice man he should hopefully be compassionate and caring in his reaction. I wouldn't like the idea of marrying someone if I felt like I had a big secret I was keeping from him, equally I wouldn't want to marry someone who I thought would judge me for something as difficult as this at such a young and difficult time in my life x

Original poster
Hopefulmidwife · 09/03/2019 13:47

That's true boring. For me, I don't want him to know because it was a long time ago, im a different person. I don't know why it's niggling me. I guess because we know everything else about eachother and I almost feel I'm not telling him everything. He doesn't need to know. It's irrelevant. But I think I worry the day we have babies and my medical history is told which it shouldn't be but still

OP posts:
MrsPear · 09/03/2019 13:48

It may well come up when you are pregnant again. It was written on a computer print out I had which detailed my history but I went via the nhs.

Mumsymumphy · 09/03/2019 14:00

They do ask at your first antenatal if you've been pregnant before and it will be somewhere in your notes, possibly even printed on your antenatal notes that you take with you to appointments (though not in big letters, it will be a code). If they ask you in front of your partner just say no (I don't think they would, but just in case). You can always 'fess up at a later appointment on your own if needs be. I agree that you don't have to tell him if you don't want to. It's in your past.

MaMaMaMySharona · 09/03/2019 14:02

I had a termination when I was 20 and it’s not something I’ve told my partner, nor do I plan on it. I don’t see it as a secret, it’s part of my personal medical history and was 7 years before we met. It doesn’t affect him and to be honest it was a horrible experience that I don’t speak about with anyone, I don’t want to go over it.

I would actually be furious if this was revealed to anyone against my wishes!

chocolateroses · 09/03/2019 14:33

I asked DH, he said it'd be none of his business xx

Original poster
Hopefulmidwife · 09/03/2019 14:36

That's interesting chocolate. The minute I think right I won't tell him it's my medical history etc etc, I then start thinking about secrets. It's a nightmare! I'm going to leave it for now I think

OP posts:
ThunderR0ad78 · 09/03/2019 14:37

I wouldn't tell - it's your past, your history! You are entitled to keep personal things to yourself and not disclose everything! This doesn't mean you are being disloyal in anyway.

Perhaps if he was your partner when you were 16 I would advise to tell but assuming he wasn't I would keep it private.

InsertFunnyUsername · 09/03/2019 14:38

If you feel like its something you need to tell them so there are "no secrets" then i would, but obviously you do not need to.

Not the same, but i have been with my partner 8 years and 1 child together, and the conversation has never came up nor would he think it was any of his business. Its a very personal thing IMO and you shouldn't feel guilty.

twattymctwatterson · 09/03/2019 15:48

It's none of his business and he'll never have any need to find out. It wasn't in my medical notes either when I had DD. Let go of any shame you feel about this. You did the right thing for yourself (and the foetus) at the time

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 09/03/2019 15:55

OH knows about mine. It wasn't a big reveal, I have this secret major thing, it just came up in the conversation and we'd been together for a while.

PH03b3 · 09/03/2019 17:38

If your worried about not telling him and it coming up in the future just tell him - its a test if that can end it for him he isn't the man you thought he was.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2019 17:56

It's your past. I put it in the same category as "how many sexual partners have you had?". It's none of his business.

As far as future pregnancies go, my friend was told after an uncomplicated 'early' abortion that she need never mention it as it wouldn't affect future pregnancies. And it hasn't, she has two healthy children. So unless your abortion was complicated or late term you don't even need to mention it.

Here in the US it's not even a part of your maternity intake. IIRC they ask about a history of miscarriage, but nothing about abortion. This may not apply to UK privacy law, but if a woman listed an abortion in her medical records and it was revealed to her partner, that facility would be in deep deep shit!

Original poster
Hopefulmidwife · 09/03/2019 18:08

Thank you all, you've been very helpful. Il ponder some more but I will probably leave it.
I have no emotional attachment to it; as awful as it sounds, to me right now it was just a medical procedure and it's in the past. A long time ago. The only reason I would have possibly told him is because of future children and the possibility it would be mentioned. But as a few posters have said, they can't disclose that information without my knowledge or permission

OP posts:
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