Hang on this could take a while. Growing up my mum had 3 husbands and a couple of other partners in between. There were lots of loud arguments and sometimes violence. At 5 years old I walked in on my stepdad trying to strangle my mum, the memory of her necklace dangling over the sink has never left me. Then my mum took an overdose, I was the one at 5 years old who found her and phoned my grandparents for help, whilst also looking after my 2 year old sister.
At 8 years old my brother was born, the apple of my mum’s eye. Before his arrival my sister was always the favourite child. There are happy memories from my childhood but many, many distressing ones too. My sister went off the rails, got addicted to heroine, sent to prison, had a baby that me and my mum raised. My brother came out as gay at 15 and left home to live with someone he met online. My mum was distraught, I was the one who bought him home. When I was 29 I bought a house with my partner. My mum disliked him when I met him and encouraged me to break up with him, she called him fat and ugly. When I told her I was moving out, rather than being happy for me she complained that without my board of £80 a week she wouldn’t be able to manage. I moved out anyway and every weekend my nephew came to stay to give my mum a break. I also looked after my grandma every Saturday as she had dementia. Then my grandad got ill and my grandma had to go into a home. My grandad died and I was the one who helped my mum sort out the funeral, arrange permanent care for my grandma and sort out their house. Not long after this I had a miscarriage. The following year I fell pregnant again, my mum put pressure on me to host Christmas Day for everyone which I did and it was a disaster. Me and my partner argued before the day, my grandma came and was awful, my mum stayed in the kitchen talking loudly about my grandma in a horrible way. Then there was a small disagreement between me and my partner, he moved the table and scraped all of the wall. My mum involved herself and it turned into a huge argument between her and my partner, he told her to get out. They have never spoken again and he is banned from her house, she is banned from our house when he is home. My mum slags him off constantly and does not see that she did anything wrong despite her screaming and swearing at him. When my son was born she made my partner leave the hospital so she could visit then scowled at my baby because he looked like his dad. The day after I was discharged, I had a c section, I was expected at her house for my nephew’s birthday. A week or so later she fell out with me and we didn’t speak for a few weeks, she sent me nasty text messages. A few months later my grandma passed away, I was the one again arranging a funeral and clearing out her room. We were ok for a while after that, she always had a go at me at Christmas that we couldn’t have a family Christmas but she couldn’t be in the same room as my partner without making nasty comments and arguing and I refused to subject my son to that, I did take him to visit her on Christmas Day. As the years passed my daughter was born and things were generally ok. My brother moved away so I was all she had. My stepdad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he didn’t cope well. He was very nasty. My mum turned against him, kicked him out of the house, didn’t look after him, my brother, his son, wasn’t interested. I bore the brunt of it all again. Towards the end my stepdad refused to see any of us, that hurt that he died alone. My mum was glad when he died, she’d already registered on an online dating site whilst he was alive. I arranged the funeral, looked after my mum, who has disabilities, did all the jobs in her house, mowed the grass every week, sorted her PIPs appeal, everything. My brother was useless, if he visited he refused to help as that wasn’t why he was here. He has a dog that lives with my mum, I even ended up having the dog stay with me regularly whilst my mum went away because he refused to help. Last year my mum moved her new partner in, my brother bought a house back in our hometown and my mum had no use for me anymore. No more trips out, played on her phone when we went to visit, started a conversation with someone else whilst I was talking to her, but still I carried on visiting. She started going on lots of holidays and rather than ask me to dog sit, started to tell me when I would be having the dog. This grated on me as my brother was back,it’s his dog, he should look after her, but he refused. I started to feel like a mug, being used. 4 weeks ago they went away again, I was told again I would be having the dog only this time it clashed with my daughter’s birthday party at home so I said she couldn’t come. My brother begrudgingly took her to his house and worked from home for 1 day then dropped her to me until my mum came home. Whilst she was with me she hurt her leg and was limping. I phoned my brother and he didn’t want to know. Then I found out that whilst I was staying at home looking after his dog, he was off out and was entertaining friends when he didn’t have work. I got cross and told him he was taking advantage of me. He called me some very nasty names and blocked me on every available form of contact. Two days later my mum arrived home so we took the dog back to her. My brother was there. She asked me to apologise to him and I said no. My two young children were with me when he flew in from another room, pushed me up against a door and had his hands on my neck, shouting at me that I was selfish and took them for granted. It all went back to the ruined Christmas and the hatred between my mum and my partner. They think I should take my children away from their dad and go and spend all of Christmas Day with them and i’m Selfish for only going for a couple of hours. My mum shouted at my brother to get off me and said he shouldn’t have attacked me, my children were crying, I was crying. She gave us a hug, then my brother started shouting at me again only this time my mum joined in with him, same thing, the Christmas fall out 9 years ago. I told my children to get their shoes and coats on as we were leaving. She was still yelling at me but then shouted at my children ‘your dad is a horrible man’. I told her to stop and that she had no right to say things like that to my children and nobody ever says things like that about her. As we left my brother shouted ‘enjoy your family’ and slammed the door. I calmed my children down at home. My partner and friends wanted me to report my brother to the police but I didn’t as I thought it would make things worse. Bruises appeared and my doctor recorded them and the circumstances in my notes. My mum started sharing quotes on Facebook that were obviously aimed at me and not complimentary, I unfollowed her. I felt angry and upset that she had tAken my brother’s side instead of telling us to sort it ourselves and staying out of it, I felt like she condoned his behaviour towards me and i’m Furious with them both for how they behaved in front of my children. She clearly thinks she has done nothing wrong and I am the bad person for walking out. It’s been 3 weeks now and this week she has blocked me on everything too so it looks like we’re done now. I have been up and down with my emotions but I mostly feel anger. I haven’t missed her and my son says he hated going to her house anyway. I don’t know what i’m Asking really, am I a terrible daughter to even be saying I will be fine, without her in my life? It feels like I am disposable now she has her partner and my brother to call on for help so she doesn’t need to be nice to me anymore. She has these cycles and i’m Not sure I want to get back on that treadmill wondering what will cause her to blow up next. She has already cut many people out of her life, my sister, my nephew, her brother, her niece and nephew, my stepdad when he was alive, so I know she can do it to me too. I feel sorry for my children that she can just cut them off, but then I think they are better off without someone like that in their lives. Sorry for the novel! It’s good to get it off my chest x