Why is being a carer so lonely ?

[123newname]

I feel totally isolated . I’m caring for my mum . I took a nervous breakdown in December , suicidal, got sent home from uni and had to move back in here .

Mum has a lot of mental health issues - a huge amount. She has just started seeing a psychiatrist again for assessment but never had a clear diagnosis of anything . Her mood swings rapidly from relatively anxious and sad to irritable - I can’t do anything right a lot of the time . She has short term memory issues as well . She won’t accept much help from me at all without getting upset/angry but then on the other hand is heavily dependent - wants me to phone everyone for her, she can’t use Facebook or text without help etc . Wants to go out shopping but she has seizures (NEAD) and we usually end up in A&E. I can’t afford to drive so have to use the bus or taxis and it gets expensive . Previously have had her in A&E, had her admitted and then had to go back next day and get her . It’s very difficult .. but if I mention to anyone I’m the one who’s in the wrong and I should just carry on and smile whilst doing so . My mums cousin helps by driving her to appointments - psychiatrist and that - but day to day it’s just mum and me .

I am genuinely at the end of my tether a lot of the time and no clue who to turn to . I can’t see a GP, only a nurse practictioner . No access to counselling up here , unless I went through a church group and I’m not keen on that idea . No social support at all except for texts from an aunty who doesn’t really know my mum (dad’s side).

Can’t even talk to my dad really as that upsets my mum too - they had a messy divorce 20 + years ago with both citing violence and all sorts . Not my story to tell or to enquire about but mum isn’t happy at all that he contacts me on my mobile , if I want to talk to him she’d rather I leave the house etc .

I genuinely love my mum to bits don’t get me wrong but I’m shattered and so lonely , desperate just to speak to someone in real life who would listen and make me their priority . I don’t want to sound ungrateful either as I know I’d have ended up homeless if my mum hadn’t let me move home for a bit . Just don’t know what to do to make things easier or who to turn to .

That's a really hard situation to deal with at any age, never mind in your early 20's (I'm guessing, if you've just come home from Uni). Why can you not see a GP? Have you discussed the situation with the nurse? Where I live we have a Carers Association, could you contact someone like www.carers.org/ to see if they can help you in any way.

Yes in my twenties ... Just can’t seem to get an appointment . It’s a branch surgery and half the appointments are at the main building four miles away ... £20 in a taxi . The nurse I did say I was really struggling but she just said , take the sertraline we’ve prescribed (I am) and you’ll feel much better in a couple of days . Not made much difference yet . I have got access to a carers group but it’s 90% much older adults and stuff that’s irrelevant eg first aid training (I used to work for front line nhs), literacy workshops . There isn’t anything that seems at all applicable to my age . Even if I could just have someone support me to go for a coffee once in a while I’d love that .

Have you had any contact with Carers Trust? They run some programmes for young adult carers (up to 25 I think) and student carers so you might be able to get some peer support that way.

Being a carer is immensely rewarding but also shit at times, draining, and isolating. I hope you find some support for yourself too.

Also, ask at the doctors if they know of a car scheme - we have community cars which is available to anyone who has no other means of transport (any age). It's run by volunteers and they charge 45p per mile.

Poor you...it sounds so incredibly hard.

How old are you? I'm imagining fairly young if you were at uni.

I might get flamed for this comment and I'm sure you love your mum, but it's a big sacrifice for you to be doing this. You should be enjoying your life, socialising, studying or working and prioritising your own mental health. Hopefully someone with more knowledge than me will be able to offer you some practical advice but I just wanted to say that there's no shame in stepping back from these caring duties and focusing on your own life.