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Original poster

Are you a Scary Mummy?

25 replies

ScaremCarem · 07/03/2019 18:35

I’m a scary mummy and I am feeling a bit sad about it. I tell my DC often that I love them and there’s nothing they could do to make that change. But still, I think they are a bit scared of me.

I work full time, quite long hours and my job involves a lot of arguing (and winning) and I have been trained to be level, measured and calm. Definitely no fireworks or spite or anything like that.

But I know I am a bit scary (not to DC, just in general, DH tells me I am). It gets things done but I am feeling a bit sad that my DC might view me like that.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaremCarem · 07/03/2019 18:50

No one?

OP posts:

OrigamiZoo · 07/03/2019 18:52

More info needed, why do you think your kids are scared of you? How do they react to you? talk us through a scenario.

Seekingwellness · 07/03/2019 18:54

Yes I'm the same. I was always scared if my mum and sadly i can see it's gone that way with my children in many respects. I try and battle it, then end up torturing myself that it's even worse that I'm Unpredictable Mum! Not sure what the answer is

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Seekingwellness · 07/03/2019 18:54

*of my mum

Hughes12345 · 07/03/2019 18:56

Growing up,my mum was wonderful-kind, caring,just fantastic. She never shouted, barely ever raised her voice but I was a little bit scared of her. My dad could shout at me and I’d just laugh at him but if my mum gave me the look I knew to take it seriously. DH says the same about his mum and dad.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 07/03/2019 18:56

I wish mine were a bit more scared of me! Unfortunately my 19 month old and my 4 year old fine my scary mummy act hilarious!

TrainSong · 07/03/2019 18:56

No. I was for a short time when they were tiny and suddenly realised they reacted to me the way I reacted to my dad, who was horrible. fter that I changed how I behaved and turned into a very gentle, cuddly mum. I can turn the Scary on in a heartbeat though if they do anything genuinely bad, which is handy when you have teens. And they've seen me be Quietly Terrifying Mum to kids who bully, so they know it's in me.

flamingnoravera · 07/03/2019 18:57

I was brought up by a terrifying mother. All my friends were scared of her and so was I. As a result I concealed my pregnancy at 16 from her until I was 7.5 months gone (also concealed it from everyone). I was terrified of her contempt and threats (although they were rarely carried out).

I know I can be a bit scary too. But I've worked hard on softening how I come across because there is no way I would want my son or others to perceive me like this.

Tavannach · 07/03/2019 19:00

Something like 80% of what we communicate is communicated by our tone of voice. Can you keep your "scary" voice for work and concentrate on using a gentle tone when you're talking to your DC?

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2019 19:01

My dc aren’t scared of me at all but they say I can be absolutely terrifying when people (not them) piss me off.
Although I’m not shouty I am apparently “quietly menacing” and absolutely fearless about confrontation when necessary. I am known as pretty formidable by everyone who knows me
I make absolutely sure that my dc know that I love them lots and will always be on their side even if I’m a bit grumpy sometimes and I most certainly rein in my instinct to verbally destroy them if they do something wrong
Now they are older I think they are quite proud of me and how I’m willing to go in to bat for them when necessary(and if they aren’t in the wrong) and I’m glad to show DD that as a woman I don’t need to defer to men all the time
If your dc are scared of you though OP you need to change things

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2019 19:03

My three dses (aged 21, 23 and 25) still say I am the Scary Parent. I think it was because I was the SAHP whilst their dad worked, so I handed out more tellings-off, and was the one who did more of the discipline.

It hasn’t damaged our relationships at all - they know I love the very bones of them, and I know they love me too, and know they can trust me to help them if they need it.

Chocmallows · 07/03/2019 19:06

Sometimes when they are not listening and pushing their luck, but then I calm down and explain why I am angry. Usually walk away, DCs have thinking time and generally apologise and we cuddle.

Afterwards if they start the same behaviour I remind them that I was really angry before as I asked them not to, and usually that helps. I don't think showing anger is wrong if DCs understand it's their negative behaviour causing it and they have opportunity to think and talk too.

Are you worried that you may be more on a controlling scary level than can be angry explaining level?

Theweathermansaid · 07/03/2019 19:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

jellymaker · 07/03/2019 19:24

I think it's called being a parent and not trying to be their best friend. There is plenty of time for friendship when they are adults. They will thank-you for it when they are older.

Singlenotsingle · 07/03/2019 19:31

Scary can be quite useful sometimes. Dgs6 was in bed and worried about monsters. I told him not to worry, Big Fierce Nanny would deal with them! He smiled 😍 and went to sleep.

Original poster

ScaremCarem · 07/03/2019 19:33

I am worried that they are not completely themselves. It’s hard to explain but I wonder if it is my tone. DH yells at them but I don’t, but they do what I say, generally.

It’s not that I want them to answer back. It’s that I worry that they want my approval (which I give) in a slightly uneasy way. I don’t know. I think their friends don’t find me that easy either - I try to be warm and welcoming!

DC have heard me deal with work stuff and they know that people will defer to me over certain things to do with my job.

OP posts:

Decormad38 · 07/03/2019 19:36

Yes my dds (19) and (13) say Im a bit scary. We laugh together and have lots of fun and hugs but they know not to mess with me.

BlueMerchant · 07/03/2019 19:43

I would like to be a bit more like you- I worry my children see me as a bit of a walk-over.

mbosnz · 07/03/2019 19:50

Yes, I'm definitely the one that the girls know not to push too far, and yes, I'm trained in a field that involves dispute, confrontation, and measured argument.

I am glad that their Dad counteracts me, he is definitely more of a joker/cuddler/pushover.

Our girls get what they need from both of us.

I'm still the one they come to if they have a miserable period, or a sad break up. They know they can come for a cuddle, a cry, a hot chocolate, a bath run with salts and candles, to wangle a comfort meal out of.

Just try to mitigate your scariness!

Original poster

ScaremCarem · 07/03/2019 19:58

Yes, they would definitely still come to me if they were ill. And I am softer on some things than DH. And I know that they have seen me fight their corner hard.

They definitely know not to mess, at all, and they moderate their behaviour for me.

OP posts:

fleshmarketclose · 07/03/2019 20:34

Yes and I have no idea why either. My dcs are 16 to 32 and they all say I only ever needed to give them "the look" to stop them in their tracks and yet all acknowledge I never hit them, never shouted and rarely punished. I am very calm and reasoned but I don't take any nonsense and suspect it's that that made me scary.

Hoppinggreen · 08/03/2019 09:14

flesh I also have “the look”, it’s very effective and no need to shout

m0therofdragons · 08/03/2019 09:18

I don't think my kids are scared of me but their head teacher is. I don't yell but I speak clearly and apparently with an authoritative tone.

TrainSong · 08/03/2019 09:25

Scarem - it could also just be their personalities. I remember friends having huge fights with their parents, telling them they hated them, threatening to leave home etc. It astonished me. I knew if I ever said anything like that there'd be no coming back from it.
DC have a much sopfter, stabler, more child-centred upbringing than I had, but I can tell they also sense they just couldn't get away with something like that. They just wouldn't overstep that mark. Some families are more resilient to children's misbehaviour and others aren't.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/03/2019 09:49

Sometimes im "angry mummy" dd doesn't like it and neither do I for that matter, I am sometimes just a bit pissed off to have been ignored for the 32nd time today!!!
We are very vocal about emotions in our house though, myself and dd are both autistic and we both struggle to understand where others are coming from, I just tell her to go to her room while I calm down. It isn't nice to feel like your kids are scared of you. Maybe if you all talked about how you feel they could tell you when they are scared and you could apologise for that but explain what has made you cross?

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