Parenting hard without any family support

[Emwha]

Having a bit of a low day today. I have nobody to really talk about this to in real life so thought would moan on here instead.
I just find parenting can be a very lovely place. This year I am at home full time with my dcs. I am back working part-time next year in a job I love so I now this isn’t helping matters. Basically I have absolutely no practical or emotional support from family. They all live relatively close but never, ever help out. It doesn’t matter what the reason it hasn’t and won’t happen; Bad morning sickness mixed with toddlers, years of sleep deprivation, emergency dental things etc they have never offered to even have the dcs for a minute. We also are never invited over 🤷‍♀️
All this is treated as completely normal and even made out like it’s more about not interfering. Lovely text messages checking in, asking for photos. It really , really isn’t about not wanting to interfere. Any initiation on my part has fallen flat and I’ve long given up tbh.
I just feel a bit empty and weirdly numb. I know I am lucky in so many ways but I spend huge amounts of time alone with the dcs who I adore but obviously are demanding as dcs are. I think these feelings are highlighted by the fact that I seem to be surrounded by people with great support networks . Lots of talk about going to grannies after school, weekends with grandparents, lovely involved aunties and uncles. I have made lots of friends but we don’t do swaps or support like that because they don’t need to. I feel their is a void in my life and I guess not going into huge detail it might be highlighting things I know about my mum but just haven’t faced until recently....
I don’t know why I am even thinking about all this. I had to stay in today waiting on a delivery and my toddler was whining all day long, I’m not feeling great and just felt weird like wtaf if I had an older daughter and I knew she was alone so often with small dcs I wouldn definitely gauge how’d she feel about me calling over (if I were really concerned about inconveniencing someone) spend time with her (I’m not even talking about babysitting) but as it has been for basically all my adult life ...radio silence. Anyone else in a similar situation? Any idea why?

Have you asked them?

I can relate! My LO is only 5 months old but I think this will be how I feel in a few years time. Our situation is a bit different in that family are all really far away. Some of them are lovely but others (mainly my mum) have issues that mean they woukdbt be very involved even if they were just down the road. They love seeing him but the distance makes visits few and far between so he will grow up not really knowing them. I had an amazing relationship with my own granny and it makes me a really sad that he won’t have the same Other people in my antenatal group are always talking about their mums popping over or being on the bed of a phone for a supportive chat and it’s really hard to listen to sometimes.

I have asked them before especially when I was first a parent but there was huge reluctance even in the case of me popping to the shop. It was clear they were uncomfortable being left with the dcs.
I also just don’t have that kind of relationship with my mum, even prior to children she would never initiate a coffee or meet up ever. I honestly tried loads but it’s a massive rejection from your own parent if they don’t want to. It was all very practical growing up. There was no going to do something just to spend time together. It would be totally alien to my mum. When she visits, it’s a quick in and out and I can see she is itching to leave. If we visit which rarely do anymore my mother would clock watch and clearly want us to leave after an hour or before. It’s just not an easy relationship like others have.

Sorry to hear about your story birdy. I think these things tend to blow up a bit once kids arrive. I also can’t relate at all to the “Mum’s popping over” people.

Snap! I'm sorry you're going through this but I know exactly what you mean. Especially the part about wanting photos. All so that they can join in grandchildren chats with their friends.

Oh dear, you poor thing. It is so hard when our parents aren't the parents and grandparents we hoped they'd be. It can be very hard to come to terms with. Unfortunately they are unlikely to change, and that means you need to find other ways to meet those wants and needs.

It's so isolating and suffocating when you're at home all alone with little ones, and you know there is no safe place to fall. And it's really, really hard if everyone else seems to have loads of family that are only too happy to help with the children, be there for you, and generally have everything that you don't have and yearn for in a family!

And some days are very much harder than others. Do you have a good circle of friends?

I have this. I am envious of families that are there for each other.

It is VERY HARD, no doubt, but you will survive. At the end of the day, eventually your DCs get older and easier, and if there's no relationship with the GPs, you don't owe them anything either. You don't have to do hospital visits, etc, if there's no emotional bond. It goes both ways.

I know if I am ever a GP I will be there for my DCs because I care about them...

Thanks for your replies. Really means a lot. Yes, the isolation can be hard and I guess the realization that it’s so different for others. The school gates are a constant reminder.
I think a lot of people can make assumptions also about family and expect that everyone has the same level of support.

It’s so tough, isn’t it? All my family are on the other side of the world and are as involved as they can be, and I know they’d be very hands on if they could.

My in laws are perfectly nice people and grandparents but entirely on their terms. We do the running around, the phone calls, the visits, the Skype. They have visited us twice in eight years. We once asked them for help when we were truly desperate but were told no, they didn’t want to, it seemed like a hassle.

For me, it’s been really important to build my own network of people in a similar boat. We look after each other’s kids, do emergency pick ups, and throw the kids towards the playground together. It’s hard work, but I always put more effort into building a relationship with someone once I find out they don’t have family nearby or very involved, because I have learned the importance of building my own support and ‘family’.

Don’t get me wrong - I don’t ditch people who seem lovely but have family nearby! But I know that I am likely to need people to help from time to time in emergencies, and while I know lots of people who would help, I would feel rubbish asking if I knew I’d probably never be asked to reciprocate.

That said, I had seven unsolicited offers to take care of DS1 when I was pregnant with DS2 - proper, any time day or night offers. I’ve been incredibly lucky with the network I’ve built, but I’ve also worked hard at it.

I do still sometimes wish the in laws were different. But they aren’t.

It's perhaps different when parents and ILs are all in a different country, as are all our relatives, so we never expected to have any family support, -- though, to be honest, our parents are elderly and not all that robust, so certainly would only be there in an emergency, even if we lived close by.

I was always surprised on Mn how many people live quite close to their parents, actually. Then I moved out of London to this village where it's exactly as you say, OP -- there are no babysitting circles or pool of student-age babysitters, as I swear literally everyone apart from us lives within about fifteen miles of their families and there doesn't seem to be any demand.