Can I ask a question about emotions when you had your 1st baby?

[Knocked]

I am currently exploring the suggestion that my child has emerging BPD and dissociative attachment disorder.

This is usually created in the first 12 months of a child's life - where there is PND, stress, bereavement etc in the mother or the family, or in a neglectful or abusive situation.

None of the above happened in my DC1's 1st year, however, a psych thinks that my underlying anxiety (undiagnosed at the time) and my desire to 'do everything right' caused this.

Ie: I was able to physically care for my child and respond to them with love and kindness but was not able to 'hide' from my child how worried I was (born from love and worry), which didn't soothe their anxieties.

I think they were also born with a predisposition to be anxious but I'm searching for a valid explanation and to see how others behaved.

When DC was born, they didn't cry (long birth but straightforward), I didn't want to hold them because I felt shell-shocked and sick. I held and fed in the hospital for 2 days and was over the moon but they choked on birth fluid twice and had to be suction - I remember being petrified. The love was overwhelming but the responsibility was too.

I set about reading all the books taking the most seemingly sensible stuff from each - constantly researching advice and going to baby groups. Stayed at home for the first 12 years, breastfed for 15 months. Worried constantly but really enjoyed it - I love being a mum.

I never did controlled crying - DC1 was incredibly calm and hardly ever cried. Loved, loved, loved my baby and was very responsive, attentive and soothing but inside was very anxious.

Is this normal though - that's what I want to know and for those who felt and behaved like that - are your kids ok?

OP, in the nicest possible way, what difference would it make to know either way now whether your anxiety in your child’s first year of life ‘caused’ his or her condition? Is this another manifestation of your anxiety?

Hey Op. I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles with your dd. I don't know if you will find what I have to say helpful but I have three DC, they are now 4,8 and 16.
I was an anxious mum, particularly with my eldest as I was a single Mum to him, very young when I had him and didn't have much support. I would be scared to go to sleep in case something happened to him while I was sleeping. This went on for many months. I worried about all sorts of things, constantly worried I wasn't good enough.
I was anxious about various things when all of them were little (and still am to some extent) and I think what you describe is very typical for a lot of Mums (going by my own experience and conversations I've had with friends).
My second two children were born by C Section and I reacted to the spinal by getting profuse shakes after delivery. I was shaking so badly I couldn't hold either of them for a good couple of hours after they were born, my husband had to do the cuddles and hold them next to me to feed.
All 3 of them so far seem to be absolutely fine and largely unaffected by my anxieties and inability to hold them for the first few hours.
Please try not to blame yourself

Thank you for your replies and your kindness.

In answer to the question about why I need to know - I guess I need to understand myself better to help them and to make sure I change things.

DC1 is acutely affected by me (and is very attached to me, almost obsessively), I need to try to work out whether I'm still repeating the same behaviours.

My second son was not held after birth and spent time in the NICU. I was an anxious mother because of it but I’ve just accepted it as the way it was.
He is the only one out of my 4 children who never looked to co-sleep. He is 20 now and sometimes I think he missed out because of his start. I think the formative yrs are important but it’s not always possible to give a child the optimum start.

I think you should direct your focus to your current situation rather than what if’s.

Was your dh a good parent?

When my first child was born I had no emotional or maternal feelings and attachment whatsoever. To me she was just a utter pain in my arse because of the crying, constant feeding and needing changing and it was a drain and I just didn't like anything that involved being a Mum.

Had to grow to love her which of course when that happens is there forever and day but what interested me was the response and lack of things in place to pick up on it.

Health visitior asked me to fill out a questionnaire they had for all new Mum's to assess the risks of PND and I passed it with flying colours but only because it asked things like "Do you worry excessively?" Are you concerned you're not able to care for your child?" and I cared so little that I just answered "no" and my scores gave zero indication or accurate picture.

Sure I even pointed that out when I handed back the form without any emotion at all as in "I coudln't give one to be honest"

One of my oldest and closest friends is now a clinical psychologist and specialist based in Canada and asked me to take part in a research project she is working on.

Would seem there are actually a lot of new Mum's that feel exactly as I did but they don't share any of their true feelings out of fear and worry about what others think. Shame that we still don't let women know during pregnancy and afterwards there is nothing wrong nor any need to hide whatever might be going on upstairs in the brain.

Her research has shown that overall PND is linked heavily to women that suffer a very traumatic birth. I didn't - both mine were born in less than 4hrs without any problem at all but she said a long, traumatic labour and birth seems by far to be a major factor is long term PND.

Interesting.