Struggling with eating disorder and general anxiety and can't find a way out

[SteeeeRuggling]

Name changed for this but I've been on here yonks.

I don't really know where to start. I don't expect anyone to even read this but I just need somewhere to vent.

I have 3DC between 9 years and 20months. My DH died 4 years ago very suddenly. I quickly (and unintentionally) met DP about 6 months after DH died. Intended to take things very slowly but fell pregnant fairly early on in our relationship and now here we are. DP is just bloody lovely and patient and wonderful and all the things I could possibly wish him to be (although notoriously untidy!).

I dabbled with Bulimia in the months leading up to DHs death although quickly snapped out of it after he died. To be honest I think having so much to do in terms of funeral, probate, looking after kids, selling the house just took over and it never crossed my mind.

I've never had bereavement counselling myself. I've made sure the 2 DC were well looked after in that department but i was so focussed on getting them through it, I didn't see it as a priority to speak to someone myself.

Whilst pregnant with my youngest, I felt the bulimic tendencies coming back and i basically starved myself living off 500 cals a day, climbing a mountain everyday while DP was in work, then going running literally up until the day I gave birth.

After she was born it all went down hill and I started binging and purging and now 20 months later I don't know how to stop. I keep thinking "enough is enough" and I will get better but I end up binging on whatever I can and purging and I feel disgusting. I went to the GP a month ago and he said because my BMI is 20, I'm not underweight so I don't have an eating disorder. I'm being sick every single day. I don't know what to do. If this isn't rock bottom, I don't know what can be. Why the fuck can i not just stop?!

I'm so sorry you're stuck in this cycle (and have an incredibly unhelpful GP). I have struggled with anorexia and still am struggling in pregnancy so I totally get where you're coming from. From what I've read, it's almost impossible to get help on the NHS unless you have a very low BMI (which is not only totally missing the point but also doesn't reflect the reality of many people who are suffering). Is private treatment an option? Does your DP know? Take care of yourself, it's a shitty shitty way to live

DP does know and is hugely supportive but he doesn't understand it. He sees (or at least he says he sees) a slim young woman and i see a fat, aging mess.
I'm actually putting on weight. I'm so ashamed of this but I've also developed a chewing and spitting habit so I'll literally buy a load of chocolate or biscuits and chew them and spit them into a bag so I think I'm actually taking in calories that way. I've not told that to a soul. It's so shameful.
Private treatment is an option. We're currently fighting a client in court for a substantial sum so I want to get that over with so I know it's something we can comfortably afford. I don't want this disgusting part of me to financially impact our family more than we can afford.
It's so tiresome living this way. I just can't see a way out at the moment. What I eat and exercise are all I think about at the moment.

You poor thing. Would it be possible to see another gp? The gp saying you don't have an eating disorder purely based on your bmi seems utterly ridiculous and irresponsible. What on earth is binging and purging if not an eating disorder?! Hope you get thehelp you need.

Please don't feel ashamed (I've also chewed and spat before). Eating disorders thrive on shame. It's not disgusting at all; it's an illness (and a very serious one) and should be prioritised as you would any other life threatening illness. A lot of people (including doctors, some psychiatrists/psychologists) really don't 'get' eating disorders so it's worth trying to find someone who specialises in their treatment. It's a bloody hard road but you will get there.

Hi, I would advise you see another GP, and ask for referral to iapt service or eating disorder service depending on what your area has
In meantime check out
Overcoming binge eating by Fairburn and see how far you can get with reducing binges with that, but definitely seek professional help

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. The NHS are not good - my BMI is/was underweight and I was still stuck on a waiting list for over a year. I have had to seek private therapy which is not an option for everyone and it's so frustrating that help isn't there when people need it. I am finding it hard even with therapy to make much progress. I have no useful advice other than I am sorry and understand how trapped and miserable life is. If private treatment becomes an option soon, please take it. I waited 12 miserable years and it doesn't get better and it's not as easy as people to think to just 'stop'. Sending you love and good wishes! I also found the Beat website quite useful and a book called 'Skills based learning for caring for a loved one with an eating disorder' for my DP useful for him.

Thank you for all your kind replies.
I've just moved house so I fall into the catchment area of a different Gp surgery so I'm going to phone and enquire tomorrow.
Today has been one of the better days. I work from home but had a few errands to run so that broke the day up a bit and I got really stuck into my work. Had a few binge urges but just distracted myself and took the dog for a couple of walks and went for a long run.
I ate well and tracked everything that passed my lips so I don't feel too bad about what I've eaten.

Really hoping for another good day tomorrow.

So sorry to hear you're going through this, and cannot believe that GP said you don't have an ED based on BMI! Have you looked on the Beat webpage?

It's such a horrible and isolating thing to deal with. One day at a time, well done for having a good one today.

There's a brilliant counsellor in my area who helps with such things. Which area are you OP?

Well done for being brave enough to come on here and ask for help, also for going to your gp- sorry you got a useless response. There is counselling out there on the NHS but you do have to fight for it.
Good luck.

I personally think your incredible brave , and hope others here will be able to help you, even if it makes you feel less alone.

Hi Stee, I’ve been the same for many years .. I can go for huge big long periods of being completely fine and then it can rear it’s ugly head and takes a lot of work to get out of what becomes a norm . It can be done though . I made a list to my self of pro’s and con’s and would look at it every day especially in the reg times that I would binge . My personal one , obv yours would be different .
Pro’s
A form of stress relief
Can eat whatever I want ( so I thought ) without gaining weight

Cons
That horrible sore stomach of acid in the morning
Feeling more anxious, low and tired
The cost of all the food
The secret buying and hiding
Stripping all the enamel off my teeth
The chance of my potassium levels going so low I would have a heart attack
The shame of my teenage daughters knowing what I was doing
The sneaking about
Trying to be sick quietly in the home or in public toilets
Burst blood vessels on my face
The fact that I don’t actually lose weight , usually maintain
My hair falling out
I don’t actually enjoy the food when I binge , it’s a sort of anxious feeling
I feel terrible about myself
It ends up ruining relationships as people become worried and frustrated with you

I’ve been mostly okay for about two years now ... you can do it 🤞you don’t have to stuck in it . When I was in an every day cycle it helped by giving myself permission to do it 3 times a week and reducing from there rather than completely stopping but that’s obviously just me everyone is different.