To realise that I am a really nasty *****

[NC00]

Just that really.

I don't know how realisation has hit me, but it has. I am almost 30 and when I was in my teens, I remember being known for my innocence and not saying a bad word about anybody. I wouldn't have dreamt of it. I think it is also because I was badly bullied when I was at school because I had so many imperfections. I was fat, smaller than average and wore glasses and had horrible frizzy hair.

Now, for the last few years, being at work and what have you - I have bitched and been horrible about people behind their backs. I have said some downright nasty things about people's weight, the way they look, how horrible their clothes are, etc.

Only I have came across someone's video on YouTube, and I thought she was a stuck up snob but I carried on watching it and she was saying she found her name on a website where everyone was being horrible about her and making up assumptions about what a shit mother she is, talking about her children and her ugly husband and then she started crying saying that it really, really hurts because she takes time out of her day doing YouTube videos and getting out there, but people are just nasty.

I've just sat there in silence... realising the things I've said can really hurt people and damage their self esteem. If they heard what I've been saying about them, it can really hurt. I've got a massive gob and I never learn when to keep it shut. I'm not perfect myself in all honesty and I should take a look at myself.

This is not me. I am sorry for this random post but I've realised that I've been a horrible person and seeing as I've been a victim of bullying, I should know better.

I don't want to be that person anymore. It stops here and it stops now. If anyone finds out I've said horrible things about them, I will admit it and I will apologise and be the bigger and better person.

Why did you do it in the first place?

Why did you do it? Is it a form of self preservation - get in on them before they get in on you type thing? Doesn't make it right but at least explains it.

Everyone can be like that. There are very few people who are 100% nice and positive all the time. Work changed me into being hard, really hard, it was the environment of stalk prey or be prey. (The saying is something like that)
You cannot change what you have done, you can apologise but going forward be the person you want to be.
I even do it now “what the bloody hell is she wearing?” Then I stop and correct myself, say something positive like “I’d love to have the confidence to get away with that” but I mean it.
In time, for those you may have hurt or come to realise what you have become will see the change in time with continuity

Well it’s good that you’ve had this realisation. You don’t need to turn into a saint, but one thing that did through therapy training was practicing only saying stuff about people that I’d happily say to their face.

Well you appear to recognise you've been a complete twat in the past so see that as a positive thing. You don't need to be that person ever again.

Always be kind to people, you don't know what's going on in their lives and the impact you can have on them.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can’t change what you’ve done, but it sounds like you’ve taken on board what has happened/been happening and have decided you are going to change. No-one is perfect, and we all do things we regret. It’s not as easy as just stopping bitching though...in some places there is a nasty culture of meanness. Not constructive criticism, which is helpful, just proper bitching. Avoiding having to be around these people more than necessary helps stop you getting drawn into it...it can be a bit isolating until you find similar minded people in some places though!

I think I work beside you.

You can change, recognising you have a problem is a big step.

I have bitched and been horrible about people behind their backs. I have said some downright nasty things about people's weight, the way they look, how horrible their clothes are, etc.

Just be kind. It's not that difficult. I have limited sympathy for you as you've inflicted so much hurt on people. Why?

I used to work with a woman who said she had been bullied in a previous job, but she herself was a very nasty, bitchy bully.

Do you think your bullying was a reaction to having been bullied?

Congratulations OP. You are no different to 90% of the population but it is wonderful that you have decided to change. I was horribly bullied at school (and no, it wasn't because of your imperfections, you were just the victim of bullies) and it made me very paranoid for a while. What saved my mental health was meeting a bunch of people who were not only very interesting but never talked about anyone behind their backs.

I'm a great believer that we have to cultivate our character. I was a lot nicer ten years ago than I am now, for example, because I haven't taken care of my character.

I also find I criticise other people more when I don't want to look at something I don't like about myself.

I think it's great that you've realised that about yourself and your actions, and even better that you've made the decision to change it now.

Yes, many other people do what you have done; but not all of them have the perception to realise how hurtful it can be. And not all of them would be willing to change things for the future.

You've made a great decision - hope you manage to not only stick to it but maybe help others to come to the same realisation and decision themselves.

Op it's great that you have recognised this fault and are hoping to change.

Human nature dictates that people are far
from perfect and we've all been guilty of this behaviour surely?
I've been you. It was toxic. I was friends with a group and then two of them fell out massively and still don't speak to this day,
It caused huge friction within the group ( and they are all my neighbours with complicates it further ) so I decided to live by the saying " if you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything " which is great in theory but much harder in practice.

There will be times when you will be negative about someone or something but it's better to be the bigger person and stop it dead in it's tracks.
I also try and think this - would I be able to say this to the person's face? If not then it's clearly wrong, and bitchy/nasty.

My MH was already fragile and the constant dramas that were going on and the bitching etc was making me ill. Much better to stay away from it. Good luck

Sometimes a situation or a place can make you a hard or bitchy person. I work in a toxic place and you can get sucked into behaving in ways that might not normally be your ways. We have been hot desking the last few years and moving away from the main offenders has made me a better person, my hardness has softened, I am no longer sucked in. So if you are regularly socialising or seeing bitchy people, changing your ways will be a struggle. If you have a partner(s) in crime they might turn on you if you no longer join in the bitching and negativity.

Sometimes I make myself go through the day (even mentally rather than out loud) not complaining (quite difficult), or nagging, or being negative. It takes a real effort! Staying away from social media helps.

If you are genuine about changing, just try not to say anything negative. You might still think it, but not saying anything reduces the toxic brew, and who knows, eventually you might no longer think as negatively. Perhaps you need to find a passion for something. Something that absorbs you so you don't lapse into bad ways out of boredom.

Its good that you've had this realisation OP, not many people are honest to themselves or could even be self-reflective to start with.

You may have to put in some effort in making amends though. If you've been bitching at work you are going to be known as a bitch tbh, sorry if that's hash but people will need to trust you to know you have changed.