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Original poster

Does anyone elses dh become moody for no reason?

24 replies

backio · 04/03/2019 07:20

Im really struggling to figure out dh. He is generally quite a quiet person which there's nothing wrong with but it's the other stuff that I can seem to work out whether this is not acceptable or what. .

He sometimes, for no reason is what I would describe as moody. So the whole weekend can pass ( like this weekend) and he hasn't had a conversation with me, he just replies a few words to questions I ask and even then he doesn't make eye contact and speaks to me a bit grumpily. If he's mumbled and I've asked to repeat himself he will repeat it in a louder almost irritated voice.

The whole weekend has gone and he wouldn't have even smiled.just a moody looking face.

His interaction with the children will just be telling them off - don't do this, that etc or commands- go get dressed etc. No conversation or chatting with them This makes me sad.

We went to a family gathering and he just sat in the corner with a face on him and didn't speak to anyone. Tbh I don't think anyone really wanted to speak to him with a face like that. It was very obvious and I was quite embarrassed by it.

If I ask him why he's acting moody he gets angry saying that he isn't. If I explain how him not speaking to me properly upsets me he says that he hasn't done anything wrong or spoken to me horribly and leaves it at that. Tbh I don't bring it up anymore as nothing gets resolved and i just end up making him angry.

When we're together as a family he is very rarely just happy, relaxed and light hearted- chatting, laughing. This is how I think it should be in a home.

Instead I find his behaviour really affects my own mood and I hate it. I end up feeling down and sad. It make me think of just leaving him. I find it all quite emotionally draining. I never know what to expect. Sometimes he can be light-hearted etc but more often than not he isn't and you never know what you're going to get or why he's like this. He won't even acknowledge his behaviour.

I can't help but notice other families when they're together just chatting and joking like normal and it breaks my heart especially for the kids.

Im posting because I don't know if im overreacting for wanting to leave him over this. He's fine in other ways but this really drains me, I don't know why. According to him it shouldn't as he hasn't said or done anything which is right too.

OP posts:

Grumpyoldblonde · 04/03/2019 07:26

I spent years with a man like this, it’s exhausting and it killed my feelings for him.
When I left it was like the sun started shining again. He may be doing it deliberately or it may be his character, either way it’s no way to live.

Teaandcrisps · 04/03/2019 07:37

That's sounds dreadful - how long have you been putting with this crap?

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 07:39

Exactly. I do find it draining but he doesn't take any responsibility for making me feel like that saying that he hasn't done/ said anything to me so it makes me doubt myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 07:40

He was constantly like this at the beginning and I told him I was going to leave. He changed or I thought he had. If he is upset about something and that's triggered it I would be more understanding but it's always out of the blue and he refuses to talk because he point black says that he isn't doing anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 07:43

I don't think he's doing it deliberately. I do think it's his personality but the fact he refuses to acknowledge his behaviour is a problem I can't come to any resolution.

OP posts:

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 07:45

You are describing my dad. His mood dictated the atmosphere in the house and we walked on eggshells to try and keep him from getting annoyed.

I’d say if you have voiced your concern and he refuses to acknowledge or change his shitty behaviour then you should leave him as his behaviour will damage your DCs.

It just horrible living with someone like that, not knowing when they will next decide to go into a mood and take it out on others.

Children deserve to grow up in a happy, relaxed atmosphere. And obviously so do you.

800msprint · 04/03/2019 07:47

Depression does that to people

Alison100199 · 04/03/2019 07:48

I used to be with someone like this. It was a reflection of his innate nature but also the fact that he was deeply unhappy. We separated and he's much better now and recognises more when he's doing it as he realises he lost me over it. Happy people don't act like that OP.

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 07:50

He knows he is doing it.

When you said about him at the family gathering with a face on him and not wanting to interact, and you being embarrassed, it brought back a lot of horrible memories from my childhood.

My dad always did that. Or if my mum invited friends over he would make sure to go into the room, not acknowledge anyone when they said hello, and make things as awkward as possible for my mum. I don’t know whether he enjoyed having the control over the situation or what, but it was awful for my mum. He’s 65 now and still does it.

He’s a dick. I would give him an ultimatum. You don’t have to tolerate living like that.

sandgrown · 04/03/2019 07:53

I live with someone like this ( he has been diagnosed with depression) . He is a real joysucker. I used to make excuses for his behaviour but not any more. I know his behaviour has affected our teenage DS and we have spent years "walking on eggshells" like the PP. I would consider if you should leave if he will not try to change.

Beechview · 04/03/2019 08:01

Is he like this every weekend or are there times when he’s happy?
If you spoke to him today, how would he be?

Does he take time out for himself?

My dh can be like that but if he gets some time to himself then he’s ok. He spends a bit of time exercising or doing a bit of gardening alone then he’s fine.

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 08:01

I hadn't thought of depression. I have previously asked him what's up, is anything wrong as then I could be more understanding but im pretty sure if I brought up the subject of depression he would deny that's him. He just says nothing is wrong and he's not doing anything so I need to stop getting upset. I don't even ask him anymore as he just gets angry with me. I don't know how to deal with this.

OP posts:

OrangesNectarines · 04/03/2019 08:02

You are not alone OP. Unfortunately I am going through the same thing with the most recent event being this weekend just gone. He was in a mood for two days! He didn't speak to me - not one single word, for no apparent reason. I asked him several times if he was ok etc but he would just brush me off. Really gets me down.

Contemplating on leaving.

Following this thread !!

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 08:03

You can’t deal with it OP.
He has to acknowledge his behaviour and how it impacts the family, and then make an effort to change.
If refuses to do that, there’s not much you can do.

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 08:05

Beechview he would be moody today I would suspect. He is like this alot lately, it can go on for a few days or weeks at a time and then slowly after a bit things are a bit more "normal" but even then it's not perfect. I find it very difficult to live with . I have kids and a young baby and I don't need this extra shit to deal with too.

OP posts:

Original poster

backio · 04/03/2019 08:06

Can I ask how it has affected your ds if you don't mind. I worry about this too sandgrown

OP posts:

Cherylshaw · 04/03/2019 08:08

Sounds like depression, if he has been like this from the beginning it's not likely to change, if it's depression it's not like he is doing it on purpose and its unfair to want him to pretend to be happy and chatty all the time.

brainache78 · 04/03/2019 08:13

My Dad was also like this when I was growing up.

It took my Mum leaving him when I was 18 for him to look at himself and get help for his depression.

I wish she'd done it earlier. We had no relationship because we used to dread him coming home and he was awful to us all for so long.

In the few years after Mum left, he became more open, had counselling and now we are really close.

Those years living with this big, black cloud damaged me. I suffer from depression myself.

He does need to acknowledge it's a problem. However he is feeling inside, he is not oblivious that he is behaving this way - he just doesn't want to face it.

It is almost gaslighting behaviour to be so off and unpleasant, yet to swear blind he's fine and is doing nothing wrong. You would be able to manage so much better if he said 'I'm feeling really low and I need some time out.' You can't work with a brick wall and you don't need to put up with it.

IveGotAlpen · 04/03/2019 08:14

Definitely sounds like depression.

Confusedfornow · 04/03/2019 08:21

Wow!

If the roles were reversed and. Man had posted what you did in relation to his wife he would be crucified, told he was a misogynistic bastard and that he needed to "man up".

But because he's a man, and this is Mumsnet, it's fine to ignore him and dismiss any real issues.

He is clearly struggling with something. Happy people are happy. Depressed people are depressed. Angry people are angry. You need to find the motivating factors behind his mood. For a lot of men, modern life just sucks the soul from them, the end up feeling like a white good, useful sometimes, functional, but ultimately disposable and just plain boring.

Find out what the issue is, it may be actual depression, in which case, no offence OP, buy you're attitude towards him would just make matters worse. If not depression, then it's simply lifestyle. Or rather his life, the reality verses what he had hoped it would have been.

That might prove to be a very difficult conversation and you may hear things which you don't want to.

But please change your attitude towards him.

NabooThatsWho · 04/03/2019 08:26

But please change your attitude towards him.

OP isn’t the one who needs to change her attitude. He needs to take a bit of responsibility for his behaviour. Even if it is depression, he needs to seek help. OP and her DCs shouldn’t have to live at the mercy of his moods while he gets angry at her when she asks what is wrong.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/03/2019 09:14

He may be depressed, or an arsehole, or both. I'm both. Not in the past tense either. I will always be depressed, I will always be an arsehole.

But I got help. SSRIs to start with and CBT, plenty of exercise, no alcohol AT ALL. Endless vigilance to make sure I don't relapse.

In the OP's case, I would suggest dropping an overnight bag in front of him and telling him to pack when he has his face on. He can come back when he's human.

Confusedfornow · 04/03/2019 09:31

@naboo

You illustrate my point exactly.

800msprint · 04/03/2019 18:30

Yes I'd have a really frank, tough love talk with him. Explain how his behaviour (not him) is affecting you and your family, how you're worried about him and how it's impacting on your relationship. Offer support but say he needs to look at what the issue may be and seek help whether that be anti depressants, life coaching, talking therapy, exercise, meditation, whatever!

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