7 months pregnant when my husband tried to commit suicide

[klm843]

Hi, I’m 38 +1 weeks and on 3rd December my husband tried to take his own life. I received a call on my way home from work telling me he loved me and our 4 year old son and that he was sorry.... the line went dead and I couldn’t get back through. I called 999 and my family. He was taken via ambulance to hospital where he was almost sectioned. The support from the NHS has been appalling virtually non existent, therefore I have been responsible for him and my son and myself since. I feel so alone. I know it sounds selfish but I feel like this whole pregnancy has been about him and his problems I feel as though he doesn’t care or consider what I feel about this whole situation. I could of lost my husband and given birth within weeks whilst trying to raise our other son alone. How would he of felt knowing what could of happened. I feel as though he doesn’t love me as he was willing to hurt me by doing what he did. I’m nervous to have my new baby knowing I’m putting him at risk of hurting himself again I feel like I can’t open up with worry of how it will effect him. I’m trying to keep everything going as normal for my 4 year old but I’m screaming inside. I don’t what to do

Agree with the others. I’ve had big problems with depression etc and I know it’s affected those i love and have taken steps to mitigate against that. I cannot imagine refusing treatment, not continuing with counselling and letting my OH and children take the consequences. He must be in a dark place and it’s so scary, but he needs to step up and take responsibility for himself. Have you had that sort of a frank conversation?

Does he have any good friends, if not family?

OP there is a support thread for spouses just started in the mental health section. Come and join us there.

I'm also pregnant and my husband has bipolar so I do understand. They can be in very dark places, I know my husband often has suicidal thoughts that he suppressed for a long time before he finally agreed to try medication. He also has thought seriously about acting on his thoughts. I really believed he loved me too much to do that to me, but you have to understand, however hard it is, that when they are in that place, it is so awful they are not thinking about other people's thoughts. They just want it to be over.
My H also was also really reluctant to start taking medication and more recently has told me he wants to stop and try to manage on his own, for various reasons which will be the next battle!

Whoops, didn't mean to post then.

Crap, and again! Sorry.
I wouldn't give up on him yet but encourage him to get help through counselling, but ultimately, I do believe the only way to manage bipolar is medication.

I presume the diagnosis of bipolar is long standing ? This diagnosis would not be made on the basis of one contact with MH services after one suicide attempt which presumably resulted in an A&E visit. As a MH professional I have to say encourage him to engage with a CMHT and try medication, bipolar illness (if this is the diagnosis) generally responds well to medication. I am surprised that there was no face to face follow up by a crisis team, if he was being considered for a MH act assessment in A&E then declining any follow up after a suicide attempt in someone with bipolar should really trigger a new request for a MH act assessment. As the nearest relative legally you can request a MH act assessment by contacting the duty AMPH team (usually social workers), this is unusual but is a way of involving services. You would need to have concerns that your dh is at immediate risk to himself or others.
Having said the above and speaking as a Mum and wife if your dh refuses help then I would consider if you have the emotional energy to devote to 'managing' his MH for many years to come. Mental illness can be exhausting for families as well as sufferers and without treatment will impact on yours and your children's lives.

He needs to go you need help and support not dragging down he needs help but wont get it that's a deal breaker for me

I am so sorry for what you're both going through. Can you tell the midwives? Get the health visitors involved. He's currently living with a life and death diagnosis and that means you are too. If he had cancer you could shout it from the roof tops but this must be so much harder to seek some help for yourself.

Like others I'm afraid to say it would also be a deal breaker for me that he has stopped treatment. You could not live in my home with my vulnerable children and no support. He doesn't just need counselling, he'd have to have the medication AND the drugs.

If you love him, and if he's a good man having a total breakdown is there any way you could pay to get him in a facility (e.g. the Priory), remortgage the house maybe and he can go for some intensive treatment? Only if you want to dig deep and fight for him if he cannot fight for himself. It's totally understandable if instead you need to dig down and protect your children and ask him to leave till he gets treatment.

Have you contacted any charities eg MIND?

I wasn’t pregnant when this happened with my OH but I had a toddler and serious physical health problems myself. He woke up one morning and literally before my eyes changed and became psychotic. There had been signs of him being manic leading up but I only recognised that in hindsight.

After the immediate emergency psychiatry appointments and initial diagnosis of bipolar (which did happen within a few weeks of the episode based on past history my partner shared), we contacted social work. I received support as a carer (there are funds available to help you with certain things like extra childcare to go to appointments) and they were great with advice and getting my OH the help he needed faster than nhs alone.
I know it’s hard and you’re feeling sorry for yourself too, which is perfectly natural but it’s nowhere near as bad as your OH has been feeling. He has an illness and he needs your support but he also needs his arse kicked a wee bit about the medication. If he doesn’t treat the condition he is not only at risk of losing you and his kids but ultimately his life. The bipolar meds my OH was given made a massive difference reasonably quickly. He is on medication for life but he only takes small doses of an antidepressant now. He’s managed to get back to a form of normal and retrained in a profession he loves. It can be possible to come back from this but it takes a while and a LOT of understanding. Be sure you get support and care, there are support groups for families and your local mental health team or social worker would be able to help you access them. Don’t be ashamed to get help from social services. That’s what they’re there for!

My DH has a longstanding mental health condition (not bipolar but with some similarities) and has made frequent suicide attempts over the years, it took over 10 years of frequent A&E visits and crisis team involvement before he was actually offered any proffesionals support and a diagnosis, but once he got that it completely changed our lives. Supporting someone with mental illness is incredibly hard work and can take it's toll on your own mental health. Definately speak to your midwife about a referal to perinatal mental health services in your area. In my area you will go to the front of the waiting list for other mental health services (E.g. councelling) if you are pregnant or have a child under 1year old too.

Google mental health carer support in your area. I have found the support available amazing since accessing this. Also self refer to social services for a carers assessment, to look at what support they can offer you as a carer. You don't need your husband's agreement to do this because it's about supporting you not him.

There's also an online toolkit called REACT, for supporting friends/family/carers of people with bipolar and psychosis that I've found very useful.

Also there's a fab book called "My lovely wife" by Mark Lukash which is well worth looking at about his experiences supporting his wife with bipolar (including caring for their new born alongside his wife).

I understand what you are going through. My son made a very serious suidide attempt 10 years ago following a psychotic episode (he is absolutely fine now) and I had no help whatsoever.
He didn't even live with me as he was an adult but the hospital said he would have to come back home as they couldn't do anythng.
I looked after him myself for a couple of years until he recovered and was able to resume his life and it was hard, really hard.
People with bipolar are in one of the highest risk categories for suicide and as such really need an ongoing NHS psychiatrist.
It isn't his or your fault OP it's this awful condition, I have lost a couple of friends to bipolar.
Go to your GP with him and insist on a referral and some help as he clearly needs his medication adjusting.
This condition used to be called manic depression and for a reason.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this while you are pregnant it's awful and you should be supported, do you have any relatives who could help? Do talk to your GP and congratulations on the new baby xxx

"he clearly needs his medication adjusting"
Read the OP's posts. He's not on medication; he refused to take any.

The refusal to engage in treatment would be the deal breaker for me. You can't fight this battle for him. Has he tried medication at all?

How are you doing @klm843? Hope all is good w husband and bump and DS.

You have to look after yourself first. Don't be ashamed of it, whatever it takes, whether it's staying and being prepared to call 999 at the first sign of him acting irrationally/threatening self harm/sending goodbye messages, whether it's saying he has to leave if he doesn't engage with all the recommended treatment, whether it's saying he cannot come back if he's admitted and then discharged or whether it's ending the relationship now.

It's not his fault that he's ill. It might not be 100% his fault that he's refusing medication. But it's 0% your fault or responsibility.

Depressed people don’t see things in the same way. There’s absolutely no point in being angry with him. He thought he was doing the world a favour by leaving it. If you can’t support him then try and ensure he has someone else.