Don’t want to drip feed-
DS is 18 months old. When he was 2 weeks old MIL pressured me into letting her have DS overnight (long story but she brought an expensive spa break, pre-booked and guilt tripped me into leaving DS after I’d told her she couldn’t have him til he was older). When he was a little older I let him go overnight every 3 weeks as he was ok there with her and I felt more like it was my choice too. Then at about 5 months, DS went through a phase where he was barely sleeping, crying often and just not settled. When I really could’ve done with a ‘night off’ she stopped the 3 weekly arrangement and claimed it was too much. Very fair, no issues. My parents live 60 miles away and own a business so don’t have much spare time but still come over fortnightly, and helped me out loads while he was going through that horrible stage.
MIL only lives 12 miles away, there’s a good bus route that takes 25 minutes to get to our house. It takes roughly the same length in the car (we drive she doesn’t). MIL has only been to our house once, when FIL (seperated) came to visit and she tagged along. We’ve lived here for 3 years.
MIL has not made any effort at all to see DS since she stopped the overnight visits. The only times she has seen him since he was 5 months old has been when I’ve driven us over for dinner on a sunday maybe five times in 13 months. Whenever DS see’s MIL he cries and runs over to me or DP. She tries to cuddle him / play with him and he just screams until she stops and lets him come back to us. She clearly feels upset when this happens. Surely though she would have known her lack of effort would reflect in this way? I can’t force my toddler to like someone who he doesn’t see.
MIL only works 3 days, whereas my partner mostly works 60 hours over 6 days and I work mornings & weekends. I’m also completing an access course at college 2 days a week. We find it very hard to find time to drive over, stay for dinner / board games etc and then drive back. It would be alot easier for MIL to visit us but she never does, so DS basically doesn’t know that she’s his grandma.
Now the problem is she has approached DP asking to ‘take him out’ this weekend. DP asked what she meant and she said she wants to get a bus to our town, take him into the city on the bus and walk round the shops with him, then bring him back on the bus. I’m not sure if IABU (not ready for AIBU forum though) in thinking I should say no. Everything about this ‘outing’ is filling me with dread. She says she wants DS to get to know her which is fair enough but I think that DS should feel comfortable during this and if she wants to spend time with him she can, at our house where he feels safe. When he doesn’t scream and get upset anymore when around her then they could have alone time / outings.
I just feel like if DS did get very upset she would just leave him and not ring me to go pick him up and lie to us about how he’s been. I’ve told DP how I feel and he understands but doesn’t want to upset his mum which I get. He also says it’s not fair to let my DM and DF take DS out if I’m not prepared to let MIL. I feel that’s different as he knows who they are and feels comfortable with them.
Is it fair to allow my DP’s to take my son out and not allow MIL? How would you tell her in a nice way that I don’t want her out alone with DS? Or am I just being PFB about this?
For context DP has an older 7YO son who MIL had every 3rd weekend, went to their house (also a bus ride away)to see him during the week and had him for weeks during the school holidays. She still makes effort to go see her first grandson so I don’t understand why she cut the contact with her second. We had a good relationship too until it became clear all the effort was on our side. Sorry for rambling