Tips for helping a 12 year old overcome shyness at school

[isabellerossignol]

My 12 year old is in her first year of secondary school. She is doing extremely well academically and seems happy but we have a fairly significant problem. She is so self conscious and nervous that she wont talk to her teachers, therefore if she doesn't understand something she is too scared to ask for help. This was raised at parent teacher interviews. She will only speak when spoken to (which is obviously something that teachers like from a behavioural point of view) and several teachers said that until she sat her exams they had no idea if she was struggling or not.

So far, all is good, her exam results saw her comfortably near the top of most subjects. But as the work gets harder, that might not last.

She is currently worried about a homework where she doesn't understand what she was really being asked to do, but was told scared to ask for clarification. I have tried to explain that the teacher's job is to help her understand so they won't be angry at being asked to explain something. But she doesn't believe me and thinks they will be disappointed in her.

Sorry, posted too soon!

Was just wondering if anyone has any advice?

Is she able to email her teachers? At DS school they can contact their teachers through the online homework portal and also by email. If this is an option she could ask for clarification that way?

Have you spoken to her form tutor? A good form tutor will make an effort to build a relationship with her and will help her going and talk to other teachers if she is struggling to start the conversation.

It is worth speaking to the SENCO to see if there are any confidence building groups that she can be apart of.

Does she do any hobbies outside of school? This is a great way to build confidence by enjoying something she likes.

Unfortunately they don't have the option of emailing the teachers, which is a shame because I think that would really help.

She does do a couple of activities outside school and I think they are very good for her, but it's a pretty similar story there. Eg if she didn't catch what the coach said she just panics instead of asking her to repeat it.

I know children this age are self consciousness and easily embarrassed (I definitely was!) but I feel it is way beyond a normal level of self consciousness. She has been to CAMHs in the past for her anxious but we were basically dismissed with a breezy 'she'll grow out of it'

Would she be interested in group drama/theatre classes outside of school? Might help give her confidence in speaking in a group/having people look at her.

I have suggested that, but drama is a huge problem for her. She has to do it in school as it's compulsory and she is sick with worry about participating on days when they do drama. She spent the whole of last summer weepy and worried about going to secondary school because she knew she would have to do it. At parents evening her teacher said she speaks so quietly that no one can hear her and she is visibly terrified. 'But she'll have to learn to get over it'. But I don't know how to help her get over it, and frankly the teacher didn't seem to know either. Just lots of 'most kids love drama you know'

If emailing would help her, but is not a possibility, with the setup at school, could she write down her concerns, then the teacher can approach her and help her, which takes the pressure off dd having to make the first move?

Does she speak normally to her classmates, can she be heard when answering a question in class? Does she speak audibly to other people outside the home eg shop assistants, waitresses? My daughter had selective mutism in her early teens where she spoke very little outside the home. She did recover from this eventually with help from CAMHS, although is still quiet. It is all part of feeling extremely anxious and becomes a habit over time.

She speaks so so quietly, she has always been like that. Her P1 teacher told me several months after she started school that she didn't know what her voice sounded like because she never spoke. Over time, she improved and whilst she never would have been chosen to eg read at a concert, or have a speaking part in a play, she managed ok. She struggles in shops and restaurants, and if they ask her to repeat what she said (as they usually do, because she says it so quietly) she just panics and looks round to get someone else to speak for her.

The move to secondary school seems to have set her back years in terms of her ability to speak to authority figures. She seems ok with her friends, although all of them will also say that she doesn't talk much, she isn't one of those girls who is always chatting and laughing. She does have a solid group of friends though, and no friendship issues which is a huge positive.

It's really positive that she has good friendships - meeting up with friends out of school might help increase social confidence and keeping on going to out of school groups. I'd talk to school to see if there's anything they can work on small groups to also try to increase confidence - my daughter's school weren't at all helpful, though.

My daughter says she needed a lot of encouragement in shops and restaurants to be able to speak loudly enough and not have me speak for her, but she really only started to get over this after leaving school.

unfortunately the teacher is right, (although unsympathetically expressed) she will 'have to get over it' or life will be very difficult for her as she gets over. I honestly think this is one of those 'no easy fix' issues - the only way to become more confident is frequent practice. The more she avoids doing it the more it becomes ingrained in her mind as something scary to be avoided. Can you make sure she interacts more with adults whenever she is out with you? e.g. in your example where a waiter asks her to repeat herself, refuse to do it for her - she'll have to do it herself and will see that nothing bad happens. Even if it's going with her to the shops and getting her to ask 'excuse me, where is the ....?'
does she speak to adult friends of yours/dps/when they are round your house? can she practice that in a safe environment?

the other thing that helped when I had anxiety was working through it, e.g. if you asked the teacher for help, what's the worst thing that could happen?
'They would shout at me.'
'Do they usually shout at people when they ask for help?'
'No.'
'Then why would they shout at you?'
'Because they think I should have understood.'
'What does the teacher want you to do?'
'The homework.'
'Can you do it if you don't understand it?'
'No'
'So would the teacher want you to ask if you don't understand it?'
'Yes.'
etc.
Sometimes just the act of saying what you're afraid of out loud can help starting to get over it.

Does school offer out of school support sessions? If so, perhaps going to those and asking about the things she's not sure about might be easier than asking in class as the session is actually designed for questions, so DD needn't be so worried about disturbing the class, plus she won't have classmates there to laugh (not saying her classmates would laugh but it might be worry for her that she will make a fool of herself)