PILs - How often should we visit?

[MrsMuffins]

We are not close to DH’s Dad and Stepmum, and consequently we don’t visit that often. They make zero effort to see us, and in fact have visited twice in over 10 years They live a couple of hours away, so within a reasonable distance for a weekend visit. I do feel guilty that we don’t visit more often - we probably get over there once every 3-4 months - is this enough?!

Whenever you want... you don’t have to visit them at all if neither of you want to... couple of times a year sounds pretty standard (my parents are 4 hour drive away).

If you don't enjoy the visits then maybe drop back to once a year

God how do you cope with the guilt trips when you do visit?! It’s bad enough at the moment, but I think if we visited less it would be awful. It’s so hard, as DH tries to have a relationship with his dad, which I want to support, but we just get so little back from them.

3-4 times a year sounds enough to me! They come to you twice, that’s fairly frequent for visits a few hours away when you aren’t close.

@hidinginthenightgarden ah no, they don’t come twice a year - they’ve been twice in the 10 years+ DH and I have been together!!

I think you need to change your question from should to 'how often would I like to visit'.

There's no obligation.

@Brakebackcyclebot well then the answer would be ‘not at all’ But the problem is that this would cause the breakdown of DH’s already shaky relationship with his Dad, and I don’t want that for him.

How does DH feel? It's his relationship with his dad, not yours. You can't fix it or prevent it breaking down. If I were you, I'd be guided by DH.

As for the guilt trips - at you taking on responsibility thst isn't yours? So long as you're putting in effort to the degree you & DH feel comfortable with, tgen that's enough. You aren't responsible for your PILs' lack of visiting. Or for their feelings.

Why is your husband's relationship shaky with his dad? Is it because his dad is a shit dad? Is your husband bashing his head against a wall?

In a way you are lucky. They never visit you so they don't have a leg to stand on.

I think you would be better off exploring your husband's feelings and taking it from there. He may realise that as much as he would like a relationship with his dad, it's never going to be the one he wants. All the visits in the world won't fix that.

Surely it's up to your DH how often he visits.

@Chamomileteaplease yes 100% I’m afraid, he is not a great father - he totally lacks any sort of emotional capacity, no empathy, etc. I think what we both find tough is that they make bugger all effort to have any relationship with our DS

Stop feeling guilty! My PIL are utterly fab. And we probably visit half a dozen times a year and feel no guilt. I don’t even always go. My DM is wonderful too and we go there even less...although she does come here. So on average we probably see each set of parents about 6 times a year. And it’s all delightful. Visiting doesn’t make a relationship.

Yes that's the trouble. So I was thinking that if you gave your husband the opportunity to talk this through he may see for himself that just because he wishes that his dad would become what he probably imagines a "normal dad" to be like, it just is never going to happen.

Which is sad. But the realisation of this does enable you to then act with some freedom. ie never visiting! What is the point really??

You do know you don’t both have to go every time... DH can go on his own

Visit once and invite them to visit you. Every so often, reissue the invitation to visit you. If they complain they haven’t seen you, express your delight at the idea of a visit from them and ask when they’re coming. That way the guilt and the pressure is on them, and it may be clearer to your dh that it isn’t his fault if the relationship breaks down.

Do they communicate with you, or is that all one-sided too? Could your dh just phone every so often (and then wait for the return call).

I love my dad. Actively enjoy seeing him. Haven’t visited since last October ish. He hasn’t visited me in years.

I think you should change your question. Really the question is 'How often does your DH want to visit his Dad?

And then do that. Make sure it also fits in realistically with family life.

If the answer turns out to be exactly what you are doing, great, stop feeling guilty. If it is never, then it is your DH's lookout.

If by some freak chance it is every weekend appreciate this is unlikely then he needs to do the arranging not you and also fit in family time, household jobs, visiting other friends and family.

You need to let your DH take the lead here. It isn't your responsibility to manage this relationship. Personally I think we should all prioritize our relationships with those who treat us well.

I think what we both find tough is that they make bugger all effort to have any relationship with our DS

Sadly though you can't change this. Is it realistic to expect any more than what you're getting from someone who you describe as lacking emotional capacity and empathy, and who hasn't been a great dad himself? You're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Better to accept he is how he is, accept things the way they are, and concentrate on your family and what makes you happy, rather than trying to make someone else into something they can never be.

You’re all absolutely right, I realise it’s not my job to manage this relationship, but it’s hard - they basically don’t feature in our lives, never call etc, so DH just doesn’t think to call that often. And then he feels guilty for not making an effort. All stems from a very messy divorce and a very emotionally repressed childhood I’m afraid - we absolutely do talk about it, but coming to the realisation that your dad is basically shit (esp as DH is now a Dad and therefore realised his own Dad’s failings) is a hard thing to do.

Yes, it is. It sounds as though your DH is breaking the cycle though by being a much better father than his dad. Try to help him focus on that rather than trying to change his dad now (trying to change someone who doesn't want to change, or doesn't see the need to change is a waste of precious time & energy)