Ex won’t let me change DDs surname, can I use a “known by” name instead?

[Sulliess]

DDs “dad” has had no contact or paid any CSA for two years. She is 4.

Around a year ago I text him and asked him to give permission to change DDs surname. NOT to get rid of his name but to double barrel it with my name. The only reason I didn’t do this when she was born was that I was still using my ex husbands name and didn’t want her known as that. I’ve changed my name now and would like it double barrelled for DD.

She’s young enough that it won’t make a difference to her but she’s starting school in Sept and I’d like it changed by then.

I text ex about a year ago and he replied (a miracle in itself). Categorically NO, I do NOT give permission

I can’t legally change it without his permission. Could I get around it by using a “known by” name when she goes to school? So her certificates etc would be her birth name but she would be known by her new name?

I know I can go to court and apply for a specific issue order but I’d rather not have to face that wanker again tbh and it will give him great pleasure to turn up and refuse the order

That's what I did as a child, I was known by my mum's last name, there's usually a space for known as on forms and it went in there. When I got slightly older (still in primary) I decided to use my father's last name even though we had no contact, so do bear in mind she might choose to use his name at some point.

His name will still be included. So instead of just Jones it would be Smith-Jones (not real names)

Thing is, if you did go to court just to change to double barrel, you'd almost certainly get it. And that would give YOU great pleasure, I imagine. It might be rather nice to get to turn a pleasant, expectant face to your Ex when the judge asks him to explain why he is so keen for his DD to have only his surname when he can't be bothered to either see her or contribute to her upbringing. As you're not wanting to get rid of his name, I imagine you would get permission and you'd be the one leaving court with a smirk.

Speak to a solicitor about it?

Yy go to court and get this fixed. Only I'd go further and get his name removed as he doesn't have any involvement.

Your poor daughter, what a waste of space dad she has.

It really would give me great pleasure

Court fees are £200 odd quid...probably worth it!

See a sol!

Taking away his name - they aren't so keen on that. Might say no. You don't want to risk that, he'd love it.

But double barrel is different - you're being eminently reasonable. You'd simply say that given the circumstances it will be beneficial to your DD to have your name too and for many personal reasons it will make life easier, obviously you don't want to remove the link to her dad as who knows, one day he may decide to be bothered to have a relationship with her. He will look an absolute twat in court, as well as an awful parent.

If it sounds like I won’t end up being told no I think I’ll go for it!

The forms for court look quite simple, would I really need a solicitor?

I would definitely ask the opinion of a family solicitor to check the likelihood of a positive outcome JUST IN CASE. Local family court, etc.

I changed my DD name by deedpoll, it cost about 12 pounds I th8nk and I wrote a letter with it stating that her father had no contact.

Never had any issues and when I renewed her passport it came in her new name with no issues.

I spoke with the deed poll people and they said you need to send proof you have tried to contact them at their last known address/last known email etc. Also that the passport office may not accept the deed poll without a court order as they need a higher burden of proof than the deed poll office.

Deed poll documents are produced by loads of different companies, it's not an official, regulated thing, you can make your own. A lot of people think it's an official thing and if a document (bought from some random online) says the child's name is changed then it must be legal. That's why you get organisations accepting a change of name for a child when they shouldn't have done without a court order or consent from everybody with PR.

I was 'known as' a completely different surname all through school and changed it when I was 16 so all of my exam certificates are in my preferred name. It never caused me any trouble.

My daughter is 'known as' and for her 18th birthday present we'll pay for her to change it by deedpoll as her biological father refuses.
It's only really an issue when we forget, the amount of times I make an appointment and give her known as name first! She does get upset when applying for official things but for school books and cadets etc they all accept her known as name

I did DDs 10 8 years ago and never had any problems but I can understand being reluctant given what they said.

Try the court order. Good luck!

My dad did this when I was a kid. Exact same situation. Wouldn’t give my mum a penny and we barely saw him, it was usually
me that phoned him. We’re now NC. Anyway, it was stupid because I was known by my chosen name for years and about a week after my 18th birthday I changed it by deed poll. All a control thing and made me think even less of him.

FWIW I've added my surname to xp's name so that on unofficial documents (school books, activities etc) they're double barelled. Passport and school register are obviously still xp surname only.

It wasn't worth the risk of finding and asking him to double barrel so I've just tagged my name on. At least this way I'm not known as "Mrs XP". Not meant to do it but the dc's schools have been happy to do it. He's been gone a decade so I'll ride it out and the dc's can change by deed poll when they're old enough.

FYI I applied to court to double barrel as father would not grant it and lost. He hired an expensive solicitor who argued that there was no precedence set and I shouldn't be allowed just because I wanted it. Judge agreed.

When my son is old enough to be heard I will ask him and if he chooses I will go back to court and ask again on the fact that he wants it.

Thats what I did as a child, haven't seen my bio dad since I was 5. But he wouldn't let my mum get rid of his bit of my double barrelled surname. She just went to the school and explained and they let me go by her surname for the rest of my school life

@grumpydwarf, that’s really interesting! Was he involved in your DCs life though?

Not regularly until I applied to double barrel the name. Then he stepped up and started seeing him regularly

Well that would be a great outcome tbh!

My DSil got her DDs name double barrelled in court despite the father objecting, he is an involved Dad too. His argument was she might then try and drop his surname altogether. The court ordered her surname to be added. Do it now though, as I understand it the longer you leave it the more likely it is to be refused as it could be confusing to an older child.

Just be very clear and factual no blame and be a grey rock with him if he gets in touch. Both names, don't want to write him out. Gather proof of his lack of involvement. Don't answer the phone to him if he rings and keep all contact to text/email. Don't be scared if he decides that he is going to 'go for custody' they say that and he is still a sack of shit who won't be arsed. Just tell him you would be delighted to get a formal arrangement drawn up in court for the best interests of your DD if he applies.

I use known as x