Can anyone help me understand autism?

[cometinmoominvalley]

My DS, who is six, has recently been diagnosed with high-functioning autism, ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. This has come as quite a relief actually and makes sense of a lot of his quirks and difficulties that I've had with him. I instantly felt like I must be a better parent than I thought if there is this reason I don't find him easy a lot of the time! He's so very lovely, endearing and funny but he's fully on and all the simple things seem to take twice the effort!

Anyway, I feel like I've sort of got my head around ADHD and SPD. I may even have some form of both of these myself and it just makes sense to me on some level. I know I need to find out more and this will be a learning curve, but where I'm really struggling is the ADS.

I've read about it a lot but I feel like there is so much contradictory information out there, and obviously every person with autism is an individual so there is no 'typical' but one thing I keep bumping up against is this idea of lack of empathy. For instance, a good friend of mine who works with SEN children said she read something once that said autistic children view people in the same way as they view objects.

This upsets me. Empathy is so key, isn't it? We describe psychopaths as being primarily people without empathy but autism is such a different condition. How can they have this in common? It's true that DS behaves and responds to things differently. But he can be so kind. He loves feeling that he is 'helping', he hugs and squeezes me all the time, he is generous. He doesn't always reply when I say I love him but then suddenly will announce "Mummy I love you more than ever". When I was stressing about my untidy bombsite of a flat the other day his response was "I don't care about the mess, I care about you." When I was quarrelling with his dad once(something we tried not to do in front of him - we're no longer together), calmly sat next to me and said that if I was having a bad day I could come and talk to him. He must have only been four at the time. He's also very loving with his friends and gives his one best friend at the moment a hug at the end of school. He even asked me if I had a picture of this friend as he wanted to put it up on his wall

So, while there is no doubt in my mind that he is 'different' in lots of ways (and I do agree with the diagnosis, I feel like I really need someone who is knowledgeable about this, maybe someone with ASD or who has a loved one with ASD to help me understand the empathy thing and what it really means. How can my child be so warm and kind on one hand, and yet apparently have a lack of empathy? I will say that he struggles socially because he often doesn't notice and/or isn't bothered about what the appropriate behaviour is but is that empathy as such? I don't understand.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I want to try to understand what ASD really is and how it feels, and how that's different from neurotypical people, especially in terms of relating to others and I guess loving and caring about others. Is my child destined to be cut off emotionally from everyone around him? That makes me sad for him although possibly he wouldn't know any different.

Great post snails

Interesting posts. I have to say that NT people seem to be over empathic with animals, sometimes. Come to that they are over empathic with their DCs and spoil them to their detriment.

Over empathic with animals in an inacvurate way, ime. Almost like they cant bear the rejection of their own 'way of being' if an animal doesnt conform to their anthropomorphism. I think i do so well with animals because i accept them as they are, that their priorities and needs differ wildly from that of humans.

There have been some great responses already.

I don't think it's a total myth that some people with ASD lack theory of mind or empathy - I think it's framed wrong. I would say the key point is is that some people with ASS don't develop these skills as naturally as people without ASD but they can learn them. Of course there is a spectrum so some will feel very little empathy but can at least sympathise with others and understand why they are upset (this is often a learnt skill and will come as they get older). On the other hand some people with ASD over-empathise and take on everyone else's problems and feelings as their own. This can be a problem too as it can make interacting with others almost unbearable and will sometimes lead to self-isolation as protection from such intense feelings. This can also be worked on to help the person regulate emotions and gets better with time.

It's also important to remember that empathy doesn't fully develop in a neurotypical person until early-mid twenties. This is why many teenagers are somewhat selfish and also why many can watch horror films when they are young but can't stomach them as they get older. So a person with ASS would probably be expected to have delayed empathy as a skill anyways - so we should be careful to not expect too much from a young child.

It's not empathy or no-empathy. They are more likely to be able to empathise with a situation they have personal experienced rather than a theoretical one where they have to imagine what the other person is feeling. Not really unlike the rest of us!

Apologies for the misspellings I'd ASD to ASS. I have terrible carpal tunnel and typing is a challenge and I didn't realise.

I would say the key point is is that some people with ASS don't develop these skills as naturally as people without ASD but they can learn them. *

This is so hurtful, People with ASD are not slow learners.

Thank you zzzzz and Eve

The othering in that post is quite something.

It is interesting to consider whether or not empathy is something you can learn.

I think there are also different types of empathy, so it is not just a blanket ability. According to psychologists there are three categories:

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy makes us better communicators, because it helps us relay information in a way that best reaches the other person.

Emotional empathy (also known as affective empathy) is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Some have described it as "your pain in my heart." This type of empathy helps you build emotional connections with others.

Compassionate empathy (also known as empathic concern) goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action, to help however we can.

As ever, these things are not simplistic and I think there is a danger in making blanket assumptions about "ASD people" in the same way there might be about any group of people. We are all unique - every single one of us and that includes those diagnosed with autism too.