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Original poster

How do I help my children when their Daddy has died

28 replies

Toadmont1 · 28/02/2019 02:52

My children's father passed very sunddenly last week they are aged 9 and 10 and although i am trying i have no clue how to help them . They want to go and see their daddy and i have no idea if i am right to let them or how to prepare them for a life without him xx

OP posts:
SadieContrary · 28/02/2019 03:01

Toad, I have no decent advice having never dealt with a similar situ but I didn't want to read and run at this hour. Sending love to you all

Smotheroffive · 28/02/2019 03:02

If they want to then please let them.

Prepare them though, that this will likely be a lasting image of him for them. It helps with the making it realreal, that he's gone.

I so sorry Flowers. How are you doing?

I cannot imagine how this is going for you.

I would try to do some things together without pressure to be anything in these first weeks.

We all deal with it differently, but pull together, and listen and talk. I am thinking autopsy, based on suddenness?

Hopefully others will be along with more useful support than I can offer. Take care of you x

villageshop · 28/02/2019 03:02

I am so sorry for your terrible loss, what a tragic thing to have happened. I have no advice I just didn't want you to have no replies at this early hour. Sending loving thoughts your way. Thanks

VimFuego101 · 28/02/2019 03:02

Winston's wish is a bereavement charity that helps children - maybe they can offer advice? So sorry for your loss.

Birdie6 · 28/02/2019 03:25

Sending hugs to you and your children. I'd also recommend Winstons's Wish to help with the children.

www.winstonswish.org/

notsurewhatshappening · 28/02/2019 03:37

Sorry for your loss. I'm a junior school teacher so practical advice: you should be able to access counselling for your children through their school. If there is an ELSA in the school (emotional literacy support assistant) their teachers may refer them for a couple of sessions - usually play based, to allow the children to talk or just have individual time with an adult when they need it and escape from a busy classroom at a difficult time. Flowers

MerryMarigold · 28/02/2019 04:26

I have a 10yo and I can't imagine what I'd do in this situation. A body looks so very different. I lost someone suddenly as an adult and never saw the body, and I'm glad I don't have that memory of him. In other countries, it's very normal. My nephew was in a room with his mum's body and lots of other people (not all who were incredibly close) on and off for several days. That seemed intense but also good. If they really want to see their Daddy, I think you should explain first and then give them the option. Love to all of you.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 28/02/2019 04:31

I saw my grandparents as a child after they died and it is a lasting memory, but not a horrible one. However make sure they talk to someone about what to expect first, it might change their minds. I was very shocked they were cold, nobody had warned me of that. I’m so sorry this has happened.

Daisypie · 28/02/2019 04:34

So sorry for this hard loss. Can your DC draw a special picture or write a letter to go with their Dad? When my friend's DH died their small DC put cards and drawings into his coffin. I

Decormad38 · 28/02/2019 04:35

My DH lost his dad when he was 11 to cancer. His family never let him go and see him it was a mistake as he can’t seem to get over never having done that. Children also need to grieve and go through the stages of grief - kubler ross stuff. If they don’t they will struggle to accept it. Take care op Flowers

Bowerbird5 · 28/02/2019 05:06

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have recently been on Bereavement training( I work in a Primary school) delivered by Child Bereavement UK and this is a fantastic charity. They have lots of information on their website and also have trained workers who will come along to your home or school and offer counselling. They had some great books and workbooks too. Please get in touch and they will guide you. They should be able to speak to your children about what to expect but it is also very child lead so if they want to see their father they may support that. They can also talk about what will happen at a funeral.
As you will need support at anniversary’s so will your children so be prepared for that in the future. Ask the children’s school to support them too. There maybe an ELSA worker or a Nurture Practitioner to help support them.
This will be a very difficult time for you with different emotions and your children will possibly react differently. If one is a boy please don’t allow anyone to say they are now the “Man of the house” they are a child and this is a burden for them to think they have to step up to this. This was one of the things discussed. Please contact the charity or at least look at the website it is full of information.

haudyer · 28/02/2019 05:54

my dad died when I was ten. My mum didn't let me go to the funeral and that still upsets me. I had to go to school immediately, no time off - things were different then but it meant tears at school and tbh a bit of time to grieve would have been good. We never talk about him, she shut it down. I was promised we could visit his grave and we never did, bar once.

so, let them grieve. talk to them, share memories, maybe even make a memory book with them? or one each? give them time and don't try to force an immediate return to reality.

I never saw Dad's family again, so we lost more than him. Make sure you keep up contact.

Tell them you love them. Give them time and space, but involve them. Ask if they want to choose a headstone maybe? funeral clothes? maybe feeling involved will help.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Weenurse · 28/02/2019 06:03

💐to you and your children

SalrycLuxx · 28/02/2019 06:20

I never saw my mother after her death and I really wish that wasn’t the case. If they have expressed the wish, let them.

SalrycLuxx · 28/02/2019 06:22

And yes - contact Winstons wish about how to handle things, and keep talking about him with them.

Also, before you donate or do similar with his things, see if they have anything they want as a sort of memento. I was devastated when I realised my mother’s brooch (cheap but beautiful) had just been sent to charity.

Meretricious · 28/02/2019 06:23

My experience was very similar to the poster above. I didn’t go to the funeral and we never talked about my dad after.

I’ve been to funerals since where children have been involved to say their goodbyes.

Seeing him. It may help. So hard to say though.

norbert23 · 28/02/2019 06:34

I did see my mum after she died (I was 7) and as much as it was hard, it was also an important part of me accepting that she had died. I chose not to go to the funeral but my siblings did, I think letting them choose what they do and one step at a time is important. Keep talking to them, keep cuddles, let them be quiet when they need to and laugh/cry when they need it. Lots of people have suggested great places for support. Thinking of you all, it's an incredibly hard experience that will always be painful but if they feel safe and loved that's a huge comfort x

lastqueenofscotland · 28/02/2019 06:46

I lost my father at a young age.
If they want to go and see him explain first that’s he mighr look different, morgues aren’t nice places. But I think especially as it was sudden, seeing him cannhelp it sink in

UnperfectLife · 28/02/2019 07:32

My H died when our DSs were 4 and 9. I have every sympathy with you. I echo PPs ideas of looking up Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish for the professionals' advice.
I think as a general rule, be open about what is going on- in an age appropriate way. Yes, if they are asking to see his body. Definitely yes to the funeral. These rites and rituals help them process their grief in the short and long term. I cried in front of them sometimes- to say it's ok to show your emotions. We carried on with our lives/ routines as best as possible after the funeral but were terribly sad for years.... Sometimes I just couldn't play with them or have fun in the evenings. I read to them instead- so that we were still all doing something together..we got through loads of books... including all the Narnia series...
I had some counselling but in retrospect it was actually too soon! My elder son had counselling with a local bereavement charity. After 4 sessions they declared his grief 'normal' and terminated his sessions!!!
Take ALL offers of help- practical, financial and emotional. It's hard but you will get through it,

WitsEnding · 28/02/2019 07:40

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my children's father when they were very young and there was little organised support back then.

Friends bereaved more recently speak very highly of WAY, www.widowedandyoung.org.uk which includes advice on talking to children, and local groups have been very helpful to them personally too.

MrsToddsShortcut · 28/02/2019 07:50

If they want to go, prepare them, talk it through with them, but let them.

My children's Dad died a year ago so 💐to you because it's tough and awful, and also tough finding yourself parenting alone.

My children didn't see their Dad or go to his funeral because his family cut us out of all the arrangements and wouldn't tell us when/where it was taking place. I think they took him overseas (his family don't come from here) and they haven't been in contact since (not for lack of trying on my part).

It's been awful for my kids as they were just cut out of any contact and never got a chance to say goodbye and it made grieving so much harder for them.

The chance to say goodbye properly is so important and such a fundamental part of the process. It's hard but if they really want to see him and they understand that he may not look exactly like the Daddy they remember, perhaps it will help them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 28/02/2019 08:21

@haudyer

That must be so hard for you. Flowers

SciFiScream · 28/02/2019 08:30

My Mum died suddenly when I was 8. Let them see their Dad, especially if they've asked. I saw my Mum. I don't remember that though. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral and I wish I had been. I don't feel like I ever got the chance to say goodbye.
Contact a bereavement charity for your children and yourself.

Keep his memory alive in other ways. Play his favourite music. Save special things (shoes, watch, clothes, fragrance). Have lots of photos of him up.

My Mum disappeared from the house completely as my Dad couldn't cope with having things of hers around.

I barely remember her. I'm still grieving 33 years on.

My heart aches for you and your children. I'm so sorry for your loss.

foxyfemke · 28/02/2019 08:50

So so hard. Much love to you and your family.

I have a book recommendation. It's called Life and I and it's a beautifully illustrated book about death, in a very gentle way. I bought it for my 4 year old son as my mum is terminally ill, but I think he's a bit young for it still, but I think it's suitable for 8 and up. And it's helping me too.

And yes, Winston's Wish has some great resources too.

MrsMozartMkII · 28/02/2019 12:04

I'm so sorry for your's and your children's loss.

Others have made good suggestions regarding what route to take.

I saw my Nana when I was about ten. I remember thinking she didn't look like Nana. I saw my Dad, but that was only three years ago (I'm mid-fifties), and that really helped settle it in my mind.

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