Contact disagreements

[Firsttimemummy891]

Hi all. I’m at the end of my tether with my ex partner regarding contact. Can anyone give me some advice please? My ex and I separated 3 years ago. He was seeing the children in my home due to not having his own place. It became uncomfortable so contact then went to picking kids up taking them to the park. A year later ex found a place. 3 bedrooms. He told me he would never have them weekend nights just Wednesday night and Sunday day. After weeks of back and forth arguing I gave in. Would I be unreasonable to ask for weekend contact every other weekend? He told me if I did do this he would apply for 50/50 The children would love to spend more quality time with him. I don’t know if I can stand the fight if he did take me to court for 50/50. He told me if he had to have children weekends overnight I would ruin his life.

Would he really be able to cope with 50/50? With school runs and work etc?
Does he pay maintenance promptly and the correct amount?
He should be doing the collecting and dropping back.
I would suggest you move this to either relationships or single parents as you will get good advice.

Thank you I will do that. I think he will have to get baby sitters with his work. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday is the beginning of the school week and as much as I want them to have a relationship I don’t think it’s fair denying access around weekends and quality time to suit his life and disrupting their school life

I think that the threat of going for 50/50 is usually just that.
If he won't even have them overnight on a weekend I doubt he will be happy to do 3 or 4 nights every week.
I also doubt a judge would agree to it, given that he has only agreed to limited contact thus far.

I'm a bit confused - he doesn't want them overnight at weekends but if you insist on that (I don't know how you can do that anyway), he'll fight for 50:50? Why? He doesn't want them at weekends, but is prepared to have them half the time, which will presumably include every other weekend and half the week?

That’s exactly my concern. I’m worried for my children and their feelings in all this. I don’t want them to go with someone for half the week who isn’t putting their needs first. I have a solicitors letter from his solicitor asking to agree to the requests. I’ve got an appointment next week. It feels a lifetime away.

Tell him you would love 50/50 so you can have some free time and he can have every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and alternate Thursdays if he can't do weekends.
Remind him about homework, cooking, out of school activities, the need for extra uniforms etc. What about clubs, packed lunches, school pick up etc? I am sure he will have got it all organised.

No he doesn’t want them weekend evenings, meaning Friday or Saturday where he would spend more quality time with them. He said it would ruin his life if it came to that arrangement. He only wants them Sunday day no overnight contact unless it’s Sunday or after school Monday Tuesday

So he doesn't really want 50/50. He is playing mind games.
Call his bluff.

Let him threaten. Even if it ended in court I doubt he would get 50/50 when 1 night is too much for him!!

He knows how to get to me. My children mean the world to me I have been there constant. My eldest has expressed she doesn’t want to go school nights, her words were I’m not encouraged to do my homework or I lose it. She doesn’t like packed lunches and she goes to bed late. Sometimes sleeping in dads bed along with little brother who has always slept in his bed on the Wednesday nights

I really hope so. I had backed down for so long his tantrums stopped when he got what he wanted. I had forgotten how cruel he could really be.

If he doesn't want to have them every other weekend I very much doubt he wants them 50/50. I'd tell the idiot you'll have a serious think about 50/50 and watch him sweat.

I have no doubt he will get babysitters. I think if he does whilst he has them that’s his choice. Which is ridiculous. It messes up the beginning of their school week and he’s got what he wanted! I’m such a worrier. I hate fighting with him. He goes from 1-100 in seconds and always splurting his needs come first.

Why does he not want them at weekends? Is there a legitimate reason like work or does he just want to go out and get pissed?

He has a gf and he said he deserves a life

When we separated 3 years ago and contact was being arranged he said never weekends overnight as I chose to leave him and live like this so I have to get on with it. Never to ask him to have them Friday or Saturdays.

I’ve tried every possible arrangement to suit him and the children. Offering end of week stays Thursday Friday or Friday Saturday or Saturday Sunday including tea on weeknights he won’t see them overnight. He just says that will never happen and if I push for it he will go for shared contact.

He has no interest in making sensible contact arrangements.
His only aim is to control and bully you.

If you haven't been in touch with women's aid with a view to doing the freedom programme, I suggest you do that asap.

I strongly advise you to get this thread moved to relationships and to read some of the advice on there about abusive relationships and coercive control.

Not that you haven't had good advice here, but you will get a lot more over there.

Basically, he is doing this to hurt you OP but at the same time he is hurting the kids. He may also want to pay less maintenance which is frankly a joke because most of the time they are with them they will be at school. He won’t get his way so don’t worry.