Struggling with being a single parent

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have two DC - 5 and 2. I work part time and my parents do a lot to help me with the DC, which I am so grateful for, but I feel like it comes with resentment. Their Dad has them every other weekend and will do the occasional extra day in the school holidays but I hate that asking him to be a parent feels like asking him to do me a favour.

I know I'm in a much more fortunate position than a lot of other single parents, but I'm really struggling with being the one who always has to be responsible for everything. This past week I've been really unwell. I asked their Dad if he could have them overnight but he wouldn't. My parents offered to have them but I know they didn't really want to and I would have felt guilty. My lovely DP insisted on coming over to help with dinner and bedtime but he couldn't stay the night as it's difficult for him to get to work from mine. I feel guilty for him coming over two nights running to help me when it's not his responsibility. He said me feeling guilty doesn't come in to it because I'm not well enough to do it on my own. But through the night, both DCs woke and came in to my bed. That's another thing - I thought I had cracked their sleep a month ago, but I've been feeling so drained for a while now that I haven't been as firm when they wake in the night because I just want to sleep, which means it's all gone to shit. But, of course, it all falls to me to try and fix it again. I'm so tired and worn down.

I can feel myself wanting to press the self destruct button. I feel as though I don't want to inflict this life on my DP and I worry that down the line he will resent me like my parents do and like my XH did. I feel like I want to let him go before it gets to that.

I'm trying so hard to stay on top of everything and I'm still failing. So maybe I should stop trying? Maybe I should concede and just let my children sleep in my bed. Maybe I should give up working so I don't have to rely on other people to help me with childcare. Maybe I should end my relationship so that I'm the only one it affects. I don't want to do any of these things but I'm carrying a constant guilt for each of them.

Sorry for the rant. I just don't know what to do.

You seem permanently affected by guilty feelings. Guilty because you think your DPS don't really want to help? If they're offering, just accept and don't worry. Guilty about your dp and how he feels? Some people get pleasure and satisfaction from being able to help other people, and be useful. Let him. Don't worry about what's going to happen in the future. It may never happen.

And as for the dc coming to sleep in your bed, where's the problem? So long as your bed's big enough for 3... We used to play musical beds in my house. Sometimes my bed had dc in it and I just used to sneak off and sleep in one of their's.

Oh OP that sounds so tough for you. It sounds to me like the real issue you've got is guilt. It seems to be weighing you down.

IME, GPS areTHRILLED to be able to help with DGC. They generally love them as they love their own. Think about the love you have for your children - wouldn't you want to help them in the future if they end up in your position when they're older?

And your DP definitely wouldn't be offering to come over to help if he didn't want to. Accept the help. Invest some time on self care. Relax. Enjoy.

You're right, guilt is a constant theme. I have an appointment with my counsellor tonight so I think I'll discuss this with her. I have touched on it before as my XH used to make me feel guilty a lot. I find it really difficult to accept help as I fear that people will think badly of me if I do.

Hope you are feeling better. People wouldn't offer to help if they didn't want to.

I would rule ex out of childcare options. If he isn't reliable. This just adds to your stress.

Have you looked into paid childcare for the days you work. If you get tax credits/uc. They will cover up to 80% of your costs. Then you can ask your parents at other times for support and hopefully you will feel less guilty as it isn't so often.

And what about the paternal grandparents? Aren't you in touch with them? Couldn't they help?

I know my ddil tries to make sure that all dgps get an equal opportunity to get involved.

My eldest DC is at school and my youngest goes to nursery 2 days a week. My mum has her one day (I have offered to put her in to nursery on this day but my Mum says she's happy to have her). It's mostly drop offs and pick ups that my parents help with and they have them overnight one night a week so I can see my counsellor.

I have previously approached their paternal grandparents to ask for help but my XH has always made excuses as to why they can't and tells me I'm wrong to have approached them directly. Today I actually sent him a message to ask if his Mum could look after DC2 for a day when my parents are on holiday and pick up DC1 from school. It's the same thing my mum does every week but he acted as though I was asking far too much. I would love them to help more and see the DC more and it would really ease the burden on my parents too. But it doesn't seem as though it's something that is likely to change.

Ignore what he says about any of it frankly. If he is not prepared to help in any practical way then he has no right to stop you investigating other options. My ex hates that I contact his folks directly. They don't mind except that he then causes drama with them over it. Ask them for help. It's their call to say yes or no and if they do come back with a refusal to deal with you then at least you know where you stand.

On the other stuff, yes it sucks being that person. Mine disrupted my sleep from 5am today in various ways which meant we had a horrible shouty, grouchy morning / school run and it's sickening to know that the ex just goes his merry way doing his thing each day with no need to juggle work / childcare / illness / appointments etc. There's no real answer other than take each day at a time and remind yourself if the good bits when it all goes wrong.. Last night I was feeling very sorted as despite not getting in til 5.30 I made a good dinner from scratch that they ate and we had good stories / bedtime and then I did something productive in the evening. This morning.. See above!! Hang in there and let your DP help if he's willing.

And speak to your ExILs direct. You never know, they might be wondering why they don't get to see the children or asked to help, especially if your Ex isn't keen! They are still family, unless they've actually taken the decision that they don't want contact. You might be surprised!