What punishment would you give?

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

Ds is 15. Year 11. He has a group of 4 close mates, so 5 of them in total who've been friends since primary. We live in a small village.

Ds was severely bullied during yr7 and 8 with lots of police intervention, Ds was hospitalised.he moved schools in year 8 and reinvented himself. Pretends it never happened.

In the new school is one of the friends group. He and ds are close but sometimes this lad uses D's to make himself feel better, is telling people at the new school about the reason that Ds left his former school, telling people that our DD is autistic ( in a way that makes it sound bad). Not letting ds go to sleep on sleepovers by poking him continually etc. I know this all sounds bad but ds wants to be his mate so we try and support the friendship. Most it's great. I'm telling you all of this for background.

Ds works hard at school mostly, he gets detention for messing about, class clown type behaviour, stemming from I'm from his desire to be liked and popular. He's typical teen at home, messy bedroom, spends too long on Xbox but isn't rude or disrespectful.

Fast forward to this weekend, I received a video from one of the groups mum showing ds and the others smoking weed through some plastic bottle contraption.

I'm speechless, I never expected if of him out of all of the kids but then I did because I don't think he's mentally strong enough to say no.

I've taken his phone, Xbox etc away and grounded him, I haven't said for how long. I told him how disappointed in him I was and how he's let himself down. This was Sunday.

Dh hasn't spoken to him about it yet because he hasn't seen him, work etc but when we spoke he said that all he's going to do is to play on his moral side saying how it's ( can be) a slippery slope, how disappointed etc we are. So no actual punishment. I wanted ds to miss a football game next week, he and dh have season tickets as does DD. So just DD go with dh. Dh said " I'm not going to do that"

Am I being too harsh? I accept I may be projecting as I've lived through being married to a drug user.

We have a good relationship with ds but I need to know this won't happen again.

Ant experience would be greatly appreciated.

I can see where you are coming from but haven't you already punished him by grounding him and taking away his Xbox?

Imo not letting him go to the football match would be punishing him again.

He's a people pleaser, easily led and desperate to be liked, which could be from the bullying.

What you've got to do is to build his self worth up.

I agree with your DH, he should go and the tatic to take is how much better he could do with his life.

Do it from the perspective that he has choices and he can achieve what he wants. He won't believe it, but asking him what he wants for the future, when school is over and he doesn't have to see any of them again, is a start.

Don't say you're disappointed, he feels like a disappointment to start with.

Do it out of concern.

You’ve punished him already. Piling more on isn’t really going to help matters.

Let your dh have a proper discussion with him.

Set out consequences for if it happens again.

birdsgottafly that's a good point in him being allowed to go with the 'look, you're lucky, we have season tickets, this is a nice life,' kind of angle.

Fair enough, sometimes I feel like dh opts out of the punishment end of things and I'm always the bad guy so I think I resent that and it can cloud my view. That is not ds's fault.

I know it's "only" weed and he says this was the first time but drugs scare me so much. I feel completely panicked. My worst fear is drugs, I know this is my problem.

Yes he's a people pleaser that's why I worry.

Thanks for the perspective. I hadn't mentioned the football so I won't.

birdsgottafly but I am disappointed so why is it bad to say so? Surely he needs to know how he's made me feel no?

He had a terrible time before
You have punished him
Time with dad and sibling away from potential bad influencers is to be encouraged not discouraged

Work on his self esteem and confidence to say no to people

Keep doing family things with him
Don't alienate
L

And going to match will be ideal time for dad to push the messages about no drugs.

cestlavielife his self esteem is low. We're a close family, I am always accessible to the DC, I'm a sahm so always around and I'm relaxed and open
.
Drugs, I have very strict rules.

What would you have done for punishment?

I d probably have sat and said look once is a mistake.
Teens try things.
But it s not good for these reasons.
You are making bad choices.

What can we do to help.you be able to say no?

If it happens again You will be grounded no going out with mates.

Get the book how to talk so teens will listen it has some good strategies

Have you and he had counselling for the bullying etc ?

I don't see how punishments boost his self esteem.
Sign him up with you for self defence classes.
Get him into a sport.

cestlavielife I do have that book.

He hasn't had counselling, he pretends it never happened or that it wasn't all that bad. I was afraid to open his bedroom door in the mornings because I was scared that one day I would find him dead.

If none of you have addressed and talked about what happened with a professional it s a potential time bomb.... delayed ptsd....book some family therapy

We tried to get him into football, he's not a footballer, he doesn't enjoy it. Both dh and older D's ( 21) love football, older D's played for years. They all have season tickets. Ds doesn't love football, I know he only goes because dh enjoys it and it's something they can do together. He enjoys the dressing up ( they have a box), the eating out, all of that. The actual football, I know he can take it or leave it. DD loves it more.

Ds used to dance, hip hop, breaking but after the bullying he gave it up. No-one at his new school even knew, he wouldn't tell people until that other lad told people.

We tried to get him into boxing, get went a few weeks then gave it up. He's not really sporty. He doesn't really have any hobbies.

I think you've done enough punishment, and you're now wanting to be overly punitive. You need to be able to take a balanced view and make a balanced judge,ent as your husband has.

He's had his punishment, he gets the message, let it drop now.

That is sad....So you maybe need to try find a hobby...kerp trying.... ..so he doesnt fall into alternative unacceptable hobbies...what subjects does he like at school ?

I really think you need to find him a good therapist. If he has self esteem issues he will make one stupid mistake after another. The alternative is to try to force him only ever keep good company but at this point you could only achieve that by being controlling.

He likes re. Having said that I've literally just had a text from school that he's got an after school detention for not doing his homework. 😠

I think you tell your story about why you've wanted to be so harsh with his punishments and how its driven by fear due to your ex marriage.

That is far more powerful than punishments.

I was a really, really strict mum when mine were small but in the teenage years I don't punish. We talk. I did the groundwork when they were little though.

Do you think your punishments will be effective? ie make him not try weed again? I don't think so.
Perhaps it was not even about him having the mental strength to say No - maybe like many teens, he is actually curious about drugs and a bit of a risk taker, and wanted to try them. I really don't know.
I am so anti drugs!!! I make my kids watch heroin addicts on Jeremy Kyle and ask them - is that fun/ daring/ glamorous??? I say drugs are for losers (!) and always read stuff out of the paper about drugs messing up people's mental health. I point out the spice heads in town...But my son told me he has tried weed.
I agree some punishment is necessary to show him he has broken rules (never mind laws??) but the football is taking it too far. Try some education/ persuasion/ discussion as well. This might make him not do drugs because he himself thinks it's a bad idea, not because he might be caught and punished. He sounds like a good kid who has been through a lot. And you sound like good parents.

unperfectlife I don't know if the punishment will be effective. It takes away his ability to contact mates, socialise online etc so I imagine that will be frustrating for him.

He has been through a lot but I said to sh yesterday do you think we've lapsed a bit because of what he's been through. For instance older ds had a 2 hour gaming limit on school nights, ds doesn't really have this. His bedtime has kind of morphed into him going to his room around 10 and watching a film on his phone. We let him stay home on hi Xbox if we go out on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon for something to eat or shopping or for a coffee or something.

Watching film on p home ftom 10 pm isn't good...
His "punishment" is to be with you when you go out on the weekends....

It's important that kids have ambitions & aspirations & social bonds.

When they have ambitions & relationships worth protecting, then they don't want to screw up their plans or relationships (by doing something stupid like illegal drugs).

They also need role models: seeing people succeed without being dragged down by inner demons. Plus they need bonding time with parents so they have sounding boards about all the difficult decisions they have to make.

So on balance, as well as 'you punished enough already' reasons: I wouldn't want to remove an activity that means he may talk to his dad & find support in being seen as a person of value & have a chance to talk thru with an adult the things that could instead turn into his inner demons (if he doesn't talk them out).

Thanks all. I've chatted with ds this evening and asked him if he can reassure me that this won't happen again. He says he can. We talked about how to react if the other lads want to and they call him names or make him feel that he has to. I suggested he could always discreetly text or something and I'd find a reason that I had to collect him or something.

He said it wasn't peer pressure, one of the lads got the weed from someone who works at the chippy ( where the lad works washing dishes) and he brought it along.

I've told him that after the punishment I'm not going to bang on or throw it in his face so long as he earns back some trust.

We watched Escape to the chateau 😂

Dh then pissed me off by saying he hasn't spoken to ds yet ( obviously I know this) but he's going to and he's changed his mind about what he's going to say but he's not going to tell me because he doesn't like the way I disapprove of things he says, but I can be there when he talks to ds.

I'm pissed off because I thought carefully about what dh said to me and considered and reevaluated my stance.