Grief just never goes does it?

[crosser62]

At aged 15 I lost a very close family member to suicide.
It was completely out of the blue, a total shock to the whole family and was by far the most traumatic and painful thing that has ever happened to me.

That was over 30 years ago.
I’ve lost more people along the way over the years, I’ve lost several babies too.
Nothing has ever come close the the pain of that event though.

Recently something very tragic, unbelievable and gut wrenchingly horrific happened to a close friend of mine.
It has bought to the surface so much of what was forgotten and buried deep down over the years.

It’s not about me this thing that happened and so I have not allowed it in while supporting and helping my friend.
But I’m finding myself so so sad and almost feeling that unique physical pain that comes with grief all of the time.
What kind of freak am I to be this dramatic after so long?
Why will it not go away?

I don’t think grief goes away really, we just learn to deal with it. The loss you experienced when you were young was horrific as it was so sudden with no time for preparation which is harder to deal with.

Have you had any counselling, either then or in your adult life to talk about what happened?

I listened to a Ted talk by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) and she said some really powerful things about grief that really stuck with me - maybe they will resonate with you.

Grief has its own time frame. It has its own itinerary with you. It has its own power over you, and it will come when it comes.

… It comes when it wants to, and it carves you out. It comes in the middle of the night. It comes in the middle of the day. It comes in the middle of a meeting. It comes in the middle of a meal. It arrives. It’s this tremendously forceful arrival, and it cannot be resisted without you suffering more …

When it comes, I get about 10 seconds of warning, like, Oh, s—t, here it’s coming right now. Then the posture that you take is you hit your knees in absolute humility, and you let it rock you until it’s done with you. It will be done with you eventually, and when it’s done it will leave. But to stiffen, to resist, to fight it is to hurt yourself. It’s almost like being roiled in a wave. You just let it come, and it’s this tremendous psychological and spiritual challenge to relax in the awesome power of it until it’s gone through you …

[Grief] has a tremendous relationship to love, but, first of all, as they say, it’s the price you pay for love. But, secondly, in the moments in my life where I have fallen in love, I have just as little power over it as I do in grief. There are certain things that happen to you as a human being that you cannot control or command, that will come to you at really inconvenient times and where you have to bow in the human humility to the fact that there’s something running through you that’s bigger than you.

I don't think it ever goes away. I lost my mum 16 years ago, and my dad 18 months ago. I still feel that terrible, heavy feeling of grief every day. It feels unfair. I think I need some counselling as both were pretty traumatic, no peace about either of them.

I'm sorry you are feeling this. I have experienced the death of both parents and know that grief can suddenly hit you at unexpected times. I am at the stage when I have the understanding that life goes go on , but in a different way.
Some people can get stuck in something that is known as complicated grief. Have a look online at the symptoms / understanding of this and see if it resonates with you.

Have you seen the ball.in the box post? It summed up grief perfectly for me.

Aw, it doesn’t go, but it does become a part of you that allows in joy and fun and celebration of their life.

And you can use it for good- to make you value people and time and opportunities. That comes very slowly though. Be kind to yourself.