Teenage/ASD behaviour affecting whole family

[FrangipaneFlower]

17 y o. ASD and I’m unsure what is just typical teenage behaviour and what is the asd and therefore I don’t know how to deal with it and I’m at my wits end.

Just a small selection of the issues are
-refusing to do anything school work or helping at all
-demanding expensive things and getting extremely angry when refused
-eating other people’s food and leaving nothing for everyone else sometimes even eating a few days worth of treats for example at once to stop anyone else having any to enjoy behaviour like that
-refusing to use less electricity when the bill is too high
-asking for money and if we don’t have it constantly having a go at us and seeming to genuinely not understand that we actually dont have any ?
-horrendous messy bedroom
-everything a battle to get her anywhere to appts to school anything and it takes up so much time
-recently unpleasant behaviour towards me when dh goes out (he is less tolerant than me and takes the view that bad behaviour is just that regardless of the cause) so she will wait and literally bully me once he leaves

I’m exhausted of it. I can’t see her getting any qualifications as barely does anything. I can’t see her ever getting a job we can’t even get her to her support sessions half the time. I feel like she will be like this forever and never independent and she demands such a lifestyle and we can’t deliver that and every day is just awful I keep crying.

Is there anything I can do ? We can’t access much support as she refuses to go a lot of the time.

I just don’t know if I need to be harsher but if I do she gets upset and says I can’t as she has autism and then I feel guilty but I feel there is an element of manipulation as well although I can’t separate where that is and asd and general teenage behaviour 😂

😔 not 🤣
It’s not funny at all ...

I have two on the spectrum, and yes, we've always taken the view that they have to fit in to society so we treat bad behaviour as bad behaviour and taken away privileges when it comes up.

It seems though that most of the issues you're describing come from a lack of being able to put herself in another's shoes. Have you tried explaining how it makes you feel when she does these things? She may be a bit old for social stories, but maybe you could try with some cartoon strips (including 'thinking bubbles') so that she can understand. There are resources on the internet to help you make and print them.

We've never let our kids use their ASD as an excuse to be horrible to people or to not do things, although we do explain very carefully why, and give them support if necessary. HOWEVER they're early teens, so who knows what they'd be like at 17!

I think some of it too is normal teenage behaviour - messy bedrooms and answering back are pretty common, it's just with ASD it's x 100!

I have tried to explain about the food but she genuinely and passionately feels she deserves more and better than everyone else I can’t make her realise that if I buy enough for everyone and she eats most or all of it it’s unfair. I have to hide things now it’s awful but fridge stuff I can’t hide I don’t want to live like this

When you are autistic it impacts the way you think and perceive everything, all the time. So it's pointless to try to separate out "autism" vs "teen behaviour". If it's inappropriate, it's inappropriate. Autism doesn't turn on and off. It might explain her behaviour but it's doing her no favours to think that it therefore excuses it.

I don’t know what to do. I feel guilty as I love her but Iam almost at the point I want to avoid her because she is either having a go at me or just being unbearable and then I feel so bad.
I try to arrange nice things that she likes doing but then afterwards evenif we’ve had a nice time she says she didn’t, wants more

I have a 14 yo with asd.

With regards food make it visual. Buy everyone a snack box, show her all the snacks and divy them up. (Lock boxes if needs be). Show her everyone gets equal and let her learn once hers have gone they've gone.
Sounds extreme but I had to physically do this with ds when he was younger. By locked box but daily snack box with his amount as he couldn't forward plan and would want it all because it was there. If it wasn't there he couldn't have cared less either so learning was the tough bit! The lack of seeing the future is poor executive function skills that go with autism.

Write a set of rules and consequences with her. Visual often help those with asd. Stick to it. Alongside this write things she can say or do if she's getting anxious or overwhelmed so she doesn't break a rule.
Look at 5 point scale etc.

If she says she can't help it it's autism then say to her she can help it, the autism certainly makes things harder and you understand that - so she has a choice to talk and let you help or a consequence.

It's not easy I agree. I often wonder with my ds where the autism ends and teenagerdom starts!

OP it sounds just like my daughter who is 11.
It is a nightmare isn't it?
Sending a 🤗
If you want to chat please do.

It would def have to be a locked box but then I can imagine she would scream and shout at me to open it tjisbos why I’ve been just hiding stuff 😔

Rosemartha Thankyou