First Mother's Day

[namechangedyetagain]

So coming up will be the first mothers day for my mum without my gorgeous brother, who died 6 months ago, age 42. We are all struggling so much with his passing.

It's going to be a ridiculously tough for my mum. I'm making lunch and have booked a spa day. Obviously I'll send a card from me, and one from the grandchildren (my dc) but I'd also like to send something to acknowledge that she's still my brother's mum IYSWIM.

I wish I could make the situation better for everyone but I can't

Any ideas where I can get a nice card or something i can do for her???

I want to make things better but they never will be. We are all devastated.

How about finding some pictures and making her a photo album...

Are you sure she will want to go on a spa day? I’m not sure I would want to be around people on this particular day in this particular year.

Rather than a spa day why not book a remote-ish holiday cottage, maybe with hot tub, so there can be lots of tears and laughter together?

I do take your point so I've booked the spa day for a month later. The actual day 31st she will be with me and the children (and very close to where my brother is buried)
Everyone is in so much pain I don't know what to do for the best.

Do you have any of your brothers clothes? A favourite shirt? Perhaps one that your mum bought him.

The most prized thing I own is a cushion made from my mums favourite jumper with a little saying on it.

Sorry for your loss

Maybe if you have a think you could remember some things your brother said about his mum, or some particular good times they shared together, and either write them down or just tell her about them. Or frame a photo of them together

I'm so sorry. That's such a lot of pain for you all.

My fear would be that sending an extra card would highlight his absence, rather than being a comforting reminder. To be honest, I'd have the same concern about any other gesture on this date. But I don't know you all.

Without knowing your mum and how she's feeling it's hard to make suggestions. At 6 months it is all so raw, a photo album might be too overwhelming, but a framed photo of them together or you all together might be comforting?

Although, it's possible giving her something like that on such a significant date might be too upsetting and it would be better to be something saved for an "easier" day that isn't already weighed down by such significance... It's an awful lot to process, and if she's putting a lot of emotional energy into getting through Mothers Day it might be one thing too many to be faced with that kind of gift/gesture and have it staring her in the face rather than just be something she's holding in her mind.

(Somebody once gave me a lovely framed photo of a close family member as a Christmas present, and even though it was a few years after their death it was too overwhelming to receive it for Christmas and feel like I had to be "happy" instead of sad they weren't there too... It was a shock to open it and suddenly have their absence emphasised.)

Whatever you do, it's going to be an emotionally difficult day. Maybe all you plan is to be prepared for that and be there to support and comfort in a responsive way (in terms of her needs). That's the part that will count - each other's care.

in case it makes any difference, my perspective is from feeling this dilemma about my grandmother who'd recently lost one of her adult children... I so badly wanted to ease the pain of the huge gaping void on that day. I don't think it's really possible. All you can do is try your best to be there for her.

Take care

Thank you for your thoughts. She already has lots of photos of him around the house. I am worried today that I'll highlight that she's not getting a card from him and so I think I'll just leave it at lunch with wine and then she can cry and have as many hugs as she likes.

I feel so useless in holding it all together for everyone