I am intimidating

[Anhuj]

I have been in my current role for 5 years. I know it well and am confident in my ability to carry out the role. I am assertive.

But... recently I've been told by a manager this sort of presentation/attitude can be intimidating to subordinate staff.

Do you think this is accurate?

Would your manager gatd said that if you were a man?

Ah this is exactly what I said to a friend when discussing it yesterday. What is that all about? I honestly don't think he would have.

Also, it's interesting that you immediately knew I am female and he is male.

And, is the manager male?

This has always been said about me.

Tough.

I am in a female dominated role, but management tends to be males. How do I handle this? He also told me I am too rigid with processes.

Yes, I’ve been labelled as intimidating where my male colleagues would have been described as assertive. I once had a complaint at work that I had intimidated a 6’9 “ drug dealer ( I’m 5’2”). It’s not aggression but I will not tolerate unlawful behaviour.

It's funny you say that op, because this has been a response to me alleging he hasn't done his job properly in terms of supporting me with a bully.

Pp, not op

There can be a fine line between being assertive and being intimidating and/ or rude. We don't see you at work so don't know which category you fall into.

I wouldn't take anything by the assumption of a PP that you are female. 90% of the posters on this site are, so it's generally the default assumption.

Are you a woman?

Has there been a complaint made against you?

It seems an odd thing to say out of the blue. But as long as you are professional, not bullying people and your boss hasn’t told you to change, then let them say what they like. It’s only someone’s opinion.

It would be relevant to know if any of the staff 'under' you have reported you being intimidating or only the one man in a senior position.

I get this a lot at work I asked for clarification and was told very kindly that it's because I'm efficient and effective so that makes other people feel bad. At that point I decided to not care if the others were intimidated by me!

Ask him for concrete examples of when youve been too rigid. And I would start keeping a diary of stuff like this with times dates what was said etc. This might be one instance of twattery but it might be the start of something else so be prepared.

One thing you could do is try to find out: do subordinate staff feel this way? What makes the manager raise this concern? Have junior staff said something/has this emerged in 360 feedback for example?

It is possible that he feels intimidated by you, and this is an awkward or subconscious way of expressing this.

I am not sure about your use of the term "subordinate staff" tbh

This comes from someone who is very assertive at work but I would never use those words to describe my colleagues

Don't know op but don't discount it. .I can be intimidating as well...I have never noticed it and no one's told me but I've realised it

Chrysanthemum5 same here. I also decided that I don't care if other people are intimidated by me. That's their problem; I am polite, helpful and cheery so there can't be any issues there.

Maybe work should drop the term subordinate, they are colleagues and all part of the same team. Sometimes confident and assertive people can come across as being a bit intimidating, do all the staff get an opportunity to to get involved in meetings, discussions and decision making.

"Subordinate staff" does sound awful, I have to admit.

It's hard to say whether it's accurate because I've worked with many assertive people who are absolutely lovely and very well respected.

However, I've also worked with a few whose idea of 'assertive' is little more than wankerish to be fair.

Then again, some people are very easily intimidated anyway and there's not much you can do about that.

I've had this across my career. I see many men at my level behave in a similar/more aggressive and not be judged in the same way. It's definitely had an impact on my progression. When I pull it back, I achieve less and am regarded better! It's a pissy choice to have to make.

Read the Heidi & Howard study for some perspective . It's pretty proven but that doesn't invalidate the consequences.

He also told me I am too rigid with processes.

I got told that when I worked in an extremely dangerous environment. I told him I'd be happy to review process if it wasn't fit for purpose but if it was, I'd be sticking to it.

He was an incompetent misogynist though.

Ha. Yes. This is so familiar. I am a female paramedic. I am experienced and competent. Apparently, this scares the male apprentices shitless, according to the male managers. Fucking tough.

I’ve been told this. Bloody hell, I’m 4’11 so smaller than your average twelve year old, middle aged and actually pretty understanding. I’ve been mostly told this when pointing out to men that they haven’t done what they’re being paid for.

OP, is it because you are consistently the woman in the first of each of these cartoons? 🤔
www.good.is/articles/non-threatening-leadership-strategies-for-women