How to grow a backbone?

[cheesenpickles]

Right, after having a meltdown of a morning because I'm far too NICE, I need the nest of vipers hive mind.

How on earth do you take less shit from people?

I've got better since having kids but once again I'm finding myself pussy footing around friends, family, employment, terrifies to speak my mind because it could come back badly. It's not doing my mental health any good and I'm winding myself up into an early grave trying to people please.

I'm early 30s and I really, genuinely, thought I'd have at least half of my shit sorted now. I've got a fab husband, great kids and my health but I still end up worrying about people who really shouldn't matter.

As brutal and honest as you can be please.

Can you give us some examples?

I’ve found the “fake it til you make it” works for me. Essentially you just have to be very brave and pretend you’re super calm and confident and say what you want to say. Pretty soon people will think you’re not the pushover you once were (even if inside you are still terrrifed! ) and they’ll stop trying to push the boundaries as much.

What sort of things are you being asked to do?

Start saying no it comes very easily after the first time. They'll soon get the message.

If you feel uncomfortable with an outright no, think of 3/4 excuses to use.

No, I can't family time/unwell/already made plans/busy with (any hobby).

Mmmm, so childminder kept cancelling dates and then asking for early pick ups. The other day she ended up dropping dd with me to take her child to the doctors and nothing was mentioned about reimbursing me. I've given notice to her now and she kept saying how she could do holiday care/reduce her rate etc. I did follow through but nearly started crying on the phone I felt so bad.

I freelance and I'm constantly paid late (and my industry is cut throat and you can't do "deposits" things like that). I love my job but scared to rock the boat in case I get blacklisted etc. This then has a knock on effect with finances. I see other people be assertive and it pays off but the thought of calling people out, even if I know I'm in the right, terrifies me. I feel like I effectively gaslight myself

I see other people be assertive and it pays off

They all had to do it for the first time too before they felt comfortable. Watch what they do, and then do the same. It will start to easier every time.

Well you DID manage the childminder situ really well, so you should definitely take that as a win, and a platform you can use to tackle other things.

Freelancers being paid late is a perennial problem, and one I wish I had an answer to!

Gaslighting yourself is interesting to explore. What do you mean by that?

@Namechangeforthiscancershit thanks. Yes. Definitely felt better for it afterwards though I wish I could have been a bit more honest with her about all the reasons why.

The gaslighting thing is basically second guessing myself constantly, particularly with employment stuff.

I've had some horrendous employers in the past and now, even when I know I'm right, I'll think I'll be wrong and if I call them out they'll come back and prove me wrong sack me etc so financially everything will fall apart. So I often just grit my teeth and bare through it rather than end up calling someone out on things.

Prime example is I had a role in the past, I had a specific date as pay day in my contract, then was told payday was actually last Friday of the month and that would come and to with no pay. I would be too worried to contact them to ask them where my pay was and scared I'd misinterpreted something or I was being stupid etc. Then I'd get paid the following Monday with an apology and then feel like "oh well, I've been paid now so never mind".

I see. Yes some of that is unhelpful isn’t it?

When it comes to being paid it is possible to be assertive without upsetting anyone. It’s really, really not personal so actually it should be loads easier than dealing with the childminder (for example). Are you working for the sort of businesses where there is an accounts team or are the owners responsible for the mechanics of paying you?

It was the owner. Thing is they were actually super approachable but very very busy. Honestly half the time it was because they had simply forgot, but it just felt so skin crawling creepy to ask. There was a lot of wealth with my colleagues as well so they could easily go without/probably wouldn't even notice. By querying it I felt so awkward but felt like the employment equivalent of Oliver Twist with my food bowl.

Ok well that is officially nuts! Everyone needs to be paid and they need to know when. Do you get paid the same amount each month or do you put in a timesheet?

If the latter, would something like this be worth trying?
“I haven’t been receiving my payment on xxx, would it help if I got my hours over to you a few days earlier?”

I know. It's daft. Really daft. Yes. It was the same amount each month with other bits and pieces separately.

It's less of an issue now but I seem to get myself I stupid situations like that and then just end up being too timid to say anything.