Merely tactless? Or trying to rub my face in it a bit?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Didn't want to put this on AIBU as a tad sensitive right now, although prepared to accept that I AM being a bit over sensitive.
DP works in the entertainment sector (behind the scenes). This means he's away a lot. I'm used to it and proud of what he does although it's not always easy saying goodbye for what is sometimes 10 weeks at a time (although this is usually about once a year - most of the time away is a week here, two weeks there, but it adds up to a fair amount - for some periods he's away far more than he's at home..and with me working we can be ships that pass in then night when he is at home... as he does have 'at home' work too and we both work anti social hours; having said that we do make quality time for each other when we can and we do also have at least one long stretch a year where he's home for months)
The man he works for has a wife the same age as me. Last time I saw her she asked me what I did work wise. I told her and asked what she did and she said she's never worked in her life and doesn't intend to start now - looked at me pointedly and said 'of course I can't work now, if I did, I'd never see him, I wouldn't have a marriage would I, so I have no choice'...(they've been married a few years.) Knowing full well that I'm about to see DP off again for several long intervals (he's away right now with them and she's there) and that I can't join him (ie other side of the world)
For the record, I wouldn't want her lifestyle (it's not glam anyway..half the time she chooses not to go away with her partner, or joins him for short intervals as in her words, she gets bored...). I choose to work. We couldn't afford for me to long term be off work, but even if we could, I wouldn't choose that (I did have a few months off last year between jobs and did join him on some travels, which was great, but I'm someone that has always worked and don't want big gaps on my CV, also the time I was at home for I got v bored. But that doesn't make it easy spending so much time apart. We make it work, I need to be here for my job and the pets and our home. It's not ideal but we just get on with it. His work pays well and mine does not right now but I'm trying to start a new career. At times I'm a bit sad and lonely but work helps me keep busy so most of the time I'm fine, summer is good, winter not so (a bit reclusive due to where we live)
I thought I was doing ok until she made that comment.
I read this back and it seems like I'm justifying a lot to myself. I'm trying to make the best of things (when he's away in winter it's particularly tough..I'm totally alone and we live v rural) and it did feel like she was making a bit of a dig (not for the first time either) I wonder if she's trying to make a point of, well they can afford for her to join her DP (if I wasn't working , I wouldn't be able to join mine much if at all, not just money but practical reasons eg DP has different accommodation and travel to her DP for a start which would make it impossible for me to tag along)

When people make digs it’s a reflection on them not you. As everyone else has said, she’s insecure and she needs you to feel as wobbly as she does because there’s safety in numbers. If I was someone’s 4th wife I might be worried I’m part of a pattern too! Don’t let her get to you.

OP you don’t have to justify yourself. She sounds very insecure in herself and her marriage. Take a deep breath and put her out of your mind.

You should read back all your comments and have a chuckle, you said it yourself you thought you were doing ok, and it certainly sounds it to me, till she made that comment , and by your own comment really She, as a person, is not standing up to any sort of scrutiny. certainly not friend material. Honestly she doesn't work and has to have all sorts of excuses to justify it, rather than simply express how lucky she is, she goes along is bored, or doesn't behave well, i'd say there is a strong possibility that she is going just to keep an eye on her hubby, just cos he has no intention to do anything doesn't mean she is worried, the most jealous women I know have absolutely no reason to be, they just are. And the biggest bitches I know have a habit of making barbed comments at other women for no good reason that I can ever see. Clearly it has to be all about her the gushing behaviour, the touchy feely when you are there, letting everyone know how they flew, surrounded by fake friends, the dancing on bars etc, and clearly your life is all about you , your partner and what sounds like an excellent relationship...as a northern friend of mine would say Pity about her.

If it comes up again just agree that yes it is the only option for her and that you fervently hope it's '4th time lucky' for their marriage.

She's his 4th wife? It sounds like she's incredibly insecure that he will find his 5th wife if she ever lets him out of her sight. She doesn't understand that other relationships are different from her relationship, which is why your secure marriage is baffling to her.

It sounds like a dig but isn't that her problem? As if she's not very happy with the way she does things and she's envious of the way you manage. You could smile confidently and say "well it works for us". That would make her feel like shit

Sounds like she feels she had to beat the competition to keep him and is now stressed about ensuring there is no younger wife #5.

People like that can be lovely, especially when they've got their Game On face, but they're not famed for playing nicely with other women (some have been utter bitches to me because I'm crew, not WAG, possibly because of the intimacy and ease you develop - the time I had to delve around in a drummer's shorts to retrieve bits of his radio pack as he continued playing in front of thousands of people wasn't my idea of sexytime, his wife found it hilarious, but another WAG was adamant that I should have my lights punched out for that, for example - God only knows what she'd have made of the ongoing cracks about having his sweaty bollocks in the palm of my hand that I've got ever since from band, crew and his wife). And yes, there are a few who try to carry on the behaviour that got the attention of their husbands in the first place, thinking if they were more like how they used to be, he'd give them the attention he did at the start when they were the new, exciting, younger model.

Ultimately, it's not a reflection upon you and your life (sounds like you're somewhere like Dartmoor, which is lovely/cold, but you have to travel for miles to escape Young Wives and Toddler Groups) - it's because her life is about protecting her position as His Wife.

It all appears so glamorous from the outside, doesn't it? But it really isn't, it's hard work, boredom, tiredness and a LOT of smells - no wonder some of the WAGs are so unhappy when reality strikes.

asks me to send her a FB request and then ignores it.
I'd delete my request and hope she noticed 😂

She sounds like a complete bitch.

She sounds a peach.

alltoo her words definitely seemed designed to position her choice as right and yours as wrong. But I also think they expose her discomfort with the position she's in. It doesn't sound like she has anything she really wants and she's trying to justify her lifestyle, to herself as much as anyone, by insisting it's the only way to be. MitziK has a good take on her. I would pity her but also avoid when possible because she is not going to be a friend to you.

Having a partner away from home a lot is a strain on almost every relationship. It's difficult and there are sacrifices that need to be made, especially by the partner that isn't traveling. You don't sound 100% happy with how things are, but it's not because you are working it's because it's a difficult situation to be in. If you want to change your life do so, but not because of her comment.

If I were you I'd be more interested in why I'm giving this woman this much head-space, given that you're not friends and you don't even like her.

(that sounds snippier than I meant it to - I just mean, she's got to you somehow, but really it shouldn't matter what she thinks about your marriage. It does matter what you and your husband think though)

i think she feels jealous of your career and the fact you clearly ARE making it work (judging by the fact you dont say youre unhappy and you have no gripes with your DH regarding any of this). If she feels the need to follow her DH around the world then thats fine but it sounds like she was just feeling a bit inferior maybe and wanting to make her decision sound better than it was. I would steer clear of her in future - her negative comment has obviously played in your head so don't allow her to do it again.

I thought it sounded like she was trying to justify her own choice. I can’t imagine following your husband around whilst he is working is much fun. She doesn’t have her own life.

She’s his 4th wife. Is he related to henry viii? I don’t think I’d be happy being a 4th wife. I’d say he’s seriously fucked up. Her too. Let me guess they met across a crowded room and instant magnetism. Both not realising why but to outsiders it’s painfully clear - because they’re both just really fucked up.

To me it's one of two things on her part - inferiority complex or superiority complex. OR there's a third random!

1. Either she feels a bit inferior to you because you work, are independent, happy, yours and your DP's relationship works well despite the gaps and time apart. So she needs to big her own situation up (not working) and subtly put yours down to justify her not working.

2. She might be feeling superior to you because you "have" to work whereas she "doesn't, and doesn't intend to" and can't resist rubbing your nose in it.

3. Random outsider - she's not actually commenting on you at all but more the state of her own marriage. Perhaps she feels her DH might have wandering eyes if she wasn't by his side constantly. Even history professors can have groupies and admirers! As you say your partners work in the entertainment industry, there will be some attached glamour to every cog and wheel of that machine (ie your DH's) to the fans/customers/people who buy their entertainment. Perhaps her "I wouldn't have a marriage if I didn't" comment was more to say that she worries if she's not there all the time then they wouldn't be together at all.

Only you can guess really by how the rest of her demeanour is in general towards you/her DH.

Sounds like she's speaking her herself. Different people have different views of marriage.
Maybe she felt like she needed to justify not working? I wouldn't give it much thought

This

Mitzi, it's not Dartmoor but that's my dream place! I can be a bit hermitty. Visiting Dartmoor again next month actually. One of my favourite places in the world
I'm actually not remote in terms of location in miles, it's more an isolated little area off beaten track if that makes sense. Big town ten miles away. It feels far more remote as it's fairly flat and bleak in winter and there's no public transport for 5 miles. No street lights and just a few houses and a long drive to get here, if you drove past on the main road you'd never know people lived down here.. Off the beaten track but actually not too far from anywhere.. it just feels like a million miles when alone in winter

Mitzi what you say is true and I never want to be seen as just someone's girlfriend so last year for eg I put myself in position of runner just so I wouldn't get so bored and could go on errands instead of hanging around... or I might offer to do merch desk etc if they are short.... otherwise bored shitless and I don't want to be seen as someone getting in the way because I'm doing nothing. Lovely people and I don't think they would think that but I'm not someone that can just sit around for hours. The perk is when I can get to explore a new place or stay somewhere nice. But most of the job is of course hanging around and waiting for others to solve problems, gear being late, etc etc...

I thought the same as Mitzi. Her man might have a roving eye.

I think this woman got under your skin so much because her behaviour absolutely is intended (consciously or not) to undermine you. And you, as a nice person - who’s first instinct is to take her gushy warmth at face value (because for you the norm is honesty) - is struck by the dissonance of how she is. Which makes you uncomfortable and stressed. You want to like her, and for everything to be nice and ok, but your instincts are raising your hackles.

Just avoid. And don’t get hooked in. It’s her stuff.

Spot on, Atrocious . Initially I thought we'd be friends. If I go away with them she's the only other woman to hang out with. But when I went to their neck of the woods for a week, suddenly she was staying home every night, didn't come out to socialise or eat once (her DH did), despite all the offers of meeting up or coming to stay, I didn't see her once not even for a drink. But if I see her at a gig, she's all over me, totally OTT, always drawing attention to herself, my friend said a while back she was at a bar and her son was with her and another woman was kissing her boobs (not naked but part hanging out kind of thing) and my friend was so embarrassed for the son as he didn't know where to look. She seems to be a very hot and cold person and I can't handle people like that. It's very much 'oh we're going to be such good friends, you MUST come and stay' and then blows me out at a gig or on FB. I'm too old for this playground shit. I was willing to be friends but I won't be undermined or treated as less because DP is just crew. Her DH couldn't do his job without DP (and I'm glad he's just crew as I have been out with musicians and they were nightmares!) It might mean I can't travel as much as don't have the perks she has in terms of travelling with partner rather than following out later kind of thing, but so be it... I would hate to be married to a muso and have to live following in their shoes and losing my identity. I tried for a short while and hated it. (also being in a DV relationship I did lose myself for some years)
I like to have my own life and join DP when I can (and when I choose, not just because I have nothing else to do) and also to welcome him back home. I have had some great trips out of it, I can't deny. But I want to be working now so we both have careers, like I did before I was in the DV relationship (has taken me a long while to get back on feet, work wise, but I am determined to get there.. at the moment it's very much a case of starting from scratch again, but I'm ok with that..it's actually quite refreshing, as in a second chance at life kind of situation)
I think she is too fair weather / flakey and when I see her next I'll be polite but not pally with her.. I don't actually dislike her as she can be fun but I don't really trust her either and I want friends with a bit more depth

Sounds like a plan alltoomuch. Stay boundaried around her and don’t take it personally at all. She sounds like someone who has a lot of unresolved stuff going on emotionally and it all gets acted out without self-reflection.