Worried about son’s future

[Flowermaid]

Long story which I have name changed for.

I have a 14 year old son who has a diagnosis of ASD - he’s at special provision but it’s not working out and he’s at risk of exclusion. We are in the process of moving him to a different school.

He’s got a history of verbal and physical aggression - he has no respect for hierarchy and has no emotional literacy.

He went out with my DF today and they had a massive falling out. My dad is not well and was struggling with his shopping and my son refused to help. My dad swore at him, son stormed off and walked home. DF reached me before him and for the first time ever I saw my dad cry. Son came home and was super angry but just went upstairs.

DF said he’s finished with my son and will not forgive without an apology. Son said he’s not apologising and he doesn’t care.

I am so worried about son’s future. Has anyone had a child who was an extremely difficult child and teenager but came through?
Also, how do I manage the conflicting needs of them both - my dad needs support and that is only going to progress over time.

Just to add that my dad is in his 70s - he’s not a young grandad and their relationship has always been strained.

What other help are you receiving?

Are you in touch with any charities that specialize with this condition?

We have local teams here who are amazing and o an awful lot to help the individual and the families

Yes everyone who should be involved has been approach however son will not engage with any of them. He is particularly rude to professionals.

My sister had a terrible time with her asd son in his early t mid teens, very aggressive and violent, no care for anyone.

She got a lot of help from Barnardos, with strategies to manage his behaviour and activities and mentoring for him and support for her. He also made some friends among the other asd kids.

At 18 he much, much better, more empathy, more in control of his emotions.

How did she get him to go @TinklyLittleLaugh - I can’t get him to do anything even when I take phone / money away.

I only take him phone alway when I am trying to get him to attend school though he has an alternative timetable now.

Positive reinforcement doesn’t help either - he’s so bloody rude all the time

I think someone came to the house a few times and just chatted and won his trust. They had an activity at the autism youth club that he was really keen on doing. Then when he went everyone was very welcoming and he fitted in really well.

He does a few voluntary job placements of a couple of hours at a time with various charities now and my sister has realistic hopes of him holding a job down one day. I think it’s just going to take time.

My sister learned a lot of stuff about timetabling his time so he knew in advance what was going to happen and giving him a solid timetabled hour to decompress in front of his games console straight after school. It helped a lot.

We don’t have anything like that locally - funding has been cut and cut and cut again - it’s dreadfully poor and he’s being discharged from services left right and centre for not engaging

Try Barnardos Flower you never know. My sister lives in the back of beyond and got absolutely no help from anyone else.

FFS it’s just typical of this county - Barnardos nearest service is over 25miles away

I crossed post with you - we have done structures and routines - he refuses to follow them now but they were very useful when he did follow them

Just heard from DF - he thinks son will end up bad and that it’s more than autism.

He has called him nasty, manipulative and says something has be done - he doesn’t know what though.

I feel like piggy in the middle

Is it worth pointing your dad in the direction of some more information about autism? I’ll be honest with you, I thought my nephew was a pretty horrible kid. But the more I’ve been educated about how his autism affects him and how he can’t really help it, the more sympathetic I am.

Part of your Dad’s anger will also be because he sees how it affects you and he feels helpless about it.

I’m so sorry OP, this must be so tough and exhausting for you. Is it worth trying on the SEN board if someone can suggest a source of help? And give Barnardos a ring, see if they are planning anything in your area.

My son is the same, Flower. TBH, the autism has destroyed our lives and he's a total arsehole 99% of the time. He's aggressive, violent, demanding and rude. I bloody hate this condition. I'm amazed no one's tried to find a cure for it. It's terrible. Like you, we live in a council with NO support and no charities around for it, either. I keep thinking one of these days he's going to mouth off to the wrong person and wind up dead and honestly, it won't surprise me. I feel like running away and have actually planned it.

@TinklyLittleLaugh the SEN boards have not been my friend in the past but I’ll have a little explore.

@FuerzaAreaUruguay - I totally hear you and have had similar thoughtts. How old is your son?

He's 11. Definite PDA tendencies but diagnosis is high-functioning autism.

PDA traits here too but let me guess - your county doesn’t diagnose PDA? Mine doesn’t

No, they don't diagnose it, just HFA or otherwise based on so-called functionality. He was diagnosed at 6 and we have seen the community paed once since then.

We have had a lot of input from professionals but my son refuses to engage with them so they just discharge us after very little.

I’m at the end of my tether - my DF has really worried me today and is the predictor of complete doom....