Help me deal with DDs behaviour! Please!!

[ImPeppaPig]

DD is aged 5 and a large amount of the time, she is a lovely little girl. She does really well at school and parents evenings have been excellent. There's a behaviour system in the school and if they make a mistake they go on "think" or for something more serious, they go on "time out". Most kids are on think at some point through the week and DD has only been on 3 times since September. This all leads me to believe her behaviour at school is very good.

However, I'm struggling with her at the moment. I've found that in the last few months, she seems to be having issues with sitting still. She's fidgeting constantly. I feel like I can't cuddle up with her to watch a film anymore because she is just rustling around, putting things in her mouth, kicking her legs around. It's like she can't help it but like I say, this is a completely new issue.

I've also noticed that she's not taking care of things all of a sudden. Today she has drawn on the couch. I told her how upset I was and that we shouldn't treat our things in that way. I explained how hard her dad works (he's in the army and I'm a SAHM) so that we can have the nice things we have. I took her up to her room afterwards (in a calm manner) and told her to sit on her bed and think about what she had done and why she had done it. When I went back up to talk to her she was so apologetic and saying that she had been thinking about how to be nice and take care of things and that she was really sorry. Then out of the corner of my eye I spotted her flower fairy lights behind her bed had a flower missing. I asked her what had happened and she told me that she had broken them. She told me that actually 2 were broken. The first one was an accident and the second one was on purpose. I asked her why she did it and she just says she doesn't know. I explained how hurt I was that she had done this but in all honesty I'm just at a loss. What am I doing wrong? She's a really bright girl and knows better 😔

I just feel like she's not listening how she used to and I just feel like I'm failing. Please help.

She's 5

She fidgets

She drew on the sofa

And broke a flower/light on purpose

And you feel as if
you're failing and you are at a loss

Why do you think what she's doing is so bad ?

Do you usually have very high expectations? Do you think your daughter feels the weight of your high expectations?

Why don't you notice how truthful she is being and concentrate on positives as well as negatives?

She's young so please do not get too cross - the think about it is an excellent approach. What I could suggest though is perhaps she would benefit from a bit of extra exercise - maybe something together? At various stages mine did seem to have excess energy

I do understand that when your well behaved child acts out of character it is a bit unnerving. It all sounds pretty normal for her age though. I agree with the suggestion of more exercise, or maybe a crafty type activity to help her expend her creative energy without drawing on the sofa.

Thanks for the replies. I did think about her activity levels but I don't drive so we walk absolutely everywhere. I'd imagine from that alone, she's far more active than most kids her age.

She genuinely loves learning so had asked me to write some words out in her notebook for her to copy on the paper so she was actually doing something when she decided to draw on the couch. It's not as though she was sitting bored with nothing to do.

I know this maybe doesn't seem like much of an issue to most but it's just hard seeing her behaviour deteriorate for no apparent reason.

My DH has been gone for over 6 months so I worry that I'm just not doing a good enough job on my own. Im just feeling exhausted in all honesty 😩

She has to sit still and concentrate for quite long periods at school, so I imagine she's wriggly at home as she's done enough of it for one day.

She'll adjust as time goes on.

She has to sit still and concentrate for quite long periods at school, so I imagine she's wriggly at home as she's done enough of it for one day.

She'll adjust as time goes on

See, I don't think it can be this either because she walks 1.5 miles each way, to school and back home. Reception in her school is all play based learning and they have almost unlimited play time, other than sitting still for a short phonics session or a story. She does activities after school etc.

It's like having a baby in the house again with how many times a day I'm having to tell her to take various things out of her mouth. Literally can be asking her once every few minutes at times 😩

I think it sounds like a cry for attention / feeling insecure. I would say go really easy on her, love bomb her. Ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour. Lighten up on everything, I think she is displaying nervous behaviour. Make her feel safe and reassured and self confident. I'm fairly confident if you stop the time outs or thinking time and just give her a quick hug with a 'I know you didn't mean it, its ok', and move away to do something else, this will soon stop. Try to relax about it and just give her lots of positive reinforcement.

Thanks whatisheupto you're post has really resonated with me. I've been feeling really at a loss but there good be some truth in her feeling insecure. I will try what you have suggested. It sounds like a good way to proceed ☺️

If dh is away for 6 months at a time that might be impacting ...on both of you
What contact does she have with him eg Skype? Is she in school with other forces families?
Maybe there is some family support available ? Thru the army ? Play therapy where she can express her feelings ?
And don't make a big deal of it....

I mean dont make a big deal of broken things.
But do explore her insecurities as pp said
Must be hard for both of you with dh away for so long.
The book how to talk so kids will listen has sone good ideas. But ask for support.

Is she experimental? Could the broken light rather than being "deliberate" be a "what happens if I do this..."Oh Dear! Rather than an actual attempt to break it.

My dsis decided to see what would happen if she stuck a pair of scissors into her hot water bottle. Unsurprisingly it leaked and had to be thrown away. She was at least 10yo at the time. Wasn't a deliberate "let's break this" but was somewhat lacking in common sense.

At that age, my DS2 had..climbed onto the toilet cistern to get a razor from where it was tucked on top of the cabinet and reacted chainsaw massacre on his own hand...to see what it felt like. On another occasion he snipped the skin between his thumb and fingers... again to see what happened.
He carved a Z (his initial) into my sideboard... (claimed it was his sister!)
And many other ridiculous things.. he drew all over his bedroom wall regularly. Other than hiding all sharp instruments, I didn't make a fuss and he grew out of it
Guess what... he's 25 and perfectly decent now!

My DH was away (also Forces) for various periods but I honestly don't think it was really anything to do with that... he was just a bit of a pickle at times and also experimental!
He still loves drawing, is always up for a mad challenge, but he is a lovely respectable member of society in most ways :)

5 is a tiring age..school is full on and she may just need babying for a bit.It's tough being a Forces wife and on your own (I had 4 aged 5 and under!) but it will pass :)

I thought I would update. I had a chat to DD to ask again about why she broke the lights immediately after me telling her off for drawing on the couch and she said it's because she felt bored and lonely. It may only be a small thing but it felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Today has been a slightly better day so here's hoping 🙏🏼

One of mine went through a phase like this at the same age (the breaking/damaging stuff). He also was a model child apart from this. It is odd when they start doing something that they're a bit 'old' for iyswim...he never damaged anything as a toddler/preschooler he hit five and was destroying stuff constantly. I don't think we ever really solved it - he just grew out of it. It stopped as suddenly as it started.

I don't think it was indicative of any emotional trauma. I think that he honestly didn't know why he did it. I think it was partly experimental (he used to break stuff open to see what was in it, the one thing that did work was giving him old appliances and a screwdriver and letting him go to town!).

My DDs went through this stage too. I started giving them little responsibilities round the house. They quite like having jobs to do, like dusting etc. Also we got a couple of white boards and marker pens to scribble on which really helped! It will pass...eventually!

Op it seems as though she may be missing her dad?

Even if she's used to him being away she's still very young.

Also walkings great but what about swimming? Does she do any clubs, dancing, gymnastics?

Thanks all. Glad in a way that others have experienced this and I'm hoping it's just a phase.

NuffSaid sounds very similar to your situation. She's never done this kind of thing. Was such an obedient toddler so she seems way to old to be going through this now.

NameChange yes, she does swimming, dancing & judo. On top of waking 3 miles for getting to & from school. Her weeks are very active. At the weekend we normally have one active day and one quiet day because she can end up exhausted. I don't think it can be down to her needing to be more active.

It could be because she's missing her dad. I know she really does miss him. I really feel as though the kids benefit so much from having the other parent present and, although he's on the end of a phone, it's not the same. I just worry that I can't fill that gap for her, much though I try.